I have realized that I have not met one person [guy] with a name that has more than 5 letters. I have 7 letters in my name. And I have been considering 8 my lucky number lately. That's all I'm saying.

Oh the horror. That was my date tonight. I really question my judgment given the second date with a madman. He was so weird. He was really weird at first when I met him the first time, gesticulating wildly and pulling his hair. In hindsight that was extremely weird. Tonight I realized how NOT attracted to him I am. Question of Judgment, the 2nd date with Bill. Bill is a solid 4, bless him. Yuh.

Six weeks have gone by since I broke up with Tad, and in that time I have been Internet dating like mad. My friend Stacie said it's her theory that you have to meet eleven or twelve people before you meet someone that you really like. So with typical gusto I have taken up the challenge. BRING ON THE PARADE!

I have already met eight men...eight in six weeks. And I'm here to tell you about them.

No. 1 -- Max, 39
I met Max for sushi at Country Station in the Mission. Three things disqualified Max: 1) missing tooth and no mention of why said tooth is missing, 2) profile describes him as a "film-maker" but he is really one of the AV guys at City College, 3) not as tall as his purported 5'10"

No. 2 -- Cliff, 38
I met Cliff for a drink at Cha Cha Cha in the Mission. Cliff smokes, unfortunately, and being a new non-smoker I couldn't go there. Cliff is actually a fairly nice guy, seemed to be flailing in a career but was more interested in music so no big surprise.

No. 3 -- Mark, 52
I was supposed to meet Mark for a drink at Cozmo's in the Marina, but it wasn't open so I went down the street to Izzy's Steakhouse -- he met me there. Mark is an earnest, erstwhile Canadian and he doesn't look 52, but he is 52. After thinking about it for a couple of days I turned him down for date #2.

No. 4 -- Zack, 38
I met Zack for Thai food somewhere in the Upper Haight. Zack is from Boston, spent years trying to be a rock star, took a 5-week computer course and came out of it with a job as a systems analyst. He's come out of a horrible childhood with a good sense of humor and a positive outlook on life. I went out with Zack 3x but neither of us seems very interested in a relationship.

No. 5 -- Dan, 46
I met Dan for a glass of wine at Andalu on 16th Street. Dan creeped me out by looking at me with smoldering glances and touching my arm several times with intent. He was salivating. A wolf. Ew. Ick. I cried after the date with Dan because I missed Tad so much and if guys like Dan were who I would have to go out with I should just admit I'm hopeless.

No. 6 -- Bill, 39
I met Bill for a glass of wine at the Slow Club in Potrero Hill. Bill was so nervous he was gesticulating wildly and sort of pulling on his hair, making it stand up straight and stick out in lots of places. He is a scientist (ontology...the science of information) and he's new in town. I forget where he's from but most recently it's Austin. He's now known as the "mad scientist" and I am seeing him tomorrow night for sushi. On the 1 to 10 scale, Bill is a solid 7.

No. 7 -- Another Dan, 37
I met Dan outside his apartment bldg down the hill from mine. I picked him up on the way to Hotel Biron in Hayes Valley. He's from Champaign, IL, and went to school at U of I at the same time I was there. He is friends with my friends Randy and Steve, and we had a lot of fun things to talk about. Dan is investigating generating cap-and-trade credits through plankton farming to stop global warming. He's now known as the "plankton farmer" and I am seeing him Saturday night for dinner and a horror movie. On the 1 to 10 scale, Dan is an 8, but he could go much higher. I really liked his style.

No. 8 -- Bryce, 30
I met Bryce at the Village Tavern down the hill in Noe Valley. Bryce develops policy for sex education for teens through a non-profit. He seemed like a nice guy but I wasn't feeling it. He's too young anyway. I had been secretly hoping that he would be young and totally hot and in principle I could just hang out and have great sex with him but in fact the idea didn't appeal.

Coming soon, No. 9 -- Mateo, 35
I haven't met Mateo but his profile says he's tall. I am meeting him on Saturday afternoon for coffee (and frisbee :). I love his name and he's got that Latin thing going on. Depending on how the Latin thing is done, I could be into it. He's a huge skier and that wins points.

So it's an all-date weekend. Bill Friday night, Mateo Saturday afternoon, and Dan Saturday night. I'm very much hoping that I will find a new relationship that will help me finally get over Tad completely. I am still obsessing over Tad.

My therapist gave me a new weapon against the constant reminders of him. ACTION: Putting pepper on my eggs in the morning. THOUGHT: It was cute how Tad was embarrassed by the amount of pepper he put on his eggs. NEW STRATEGY: Oh, that was another thought about Tad. I don't want to think about him right now. How about some grated cheddar cheese on those eggs? ACTION: Sitting in my living room working, hear a motorcycle drive by: THOUGHT: Man I loved riding on the back of Tad's motorcycle, holding on to him. NEW STRATEGY: Oh, that was another thought about Tad. I don't want to think about him right now. I had better get back to work on blah blah blah.

Get it? It's zen. It's the power of now. Someone borrowed that book from me and I should just go buy a new one because the power of now keeps tapping me on the shoulder and I could use a refresher course.

Yesterday I went to dinner with Zack for the third time, and folks I think this is over. He's quite nice and kind of funny. But his chubbiness is threatening to become fatness if his eating behavior is any indication. He kept eating and eating, long past the point when my mind was screaming STOP EATING. So yes, that's one thing. The other thing is that each time we have hung out he has said something like "If I would have been there I would have knocked that guy out." Or something along the lines of beating someone up. And that, folks, is enough to turn me off.

I am so tired of this bad feeling. Sad feeling. Whatever it is, I am tired of it and it's with me at least half of my awake time. I am going to kick it out!

Last night I went to the SF Zen Center for the buddhist discussion group for people in recovery. This is something I came upon accidentally about five years ago and I haven't been there for a few years. I went back last night because I need the time with people who are hurting as much as me. It was worthwhile even if the topic wasn't 100% apropos to my situation. And there was a guy who was pretty cute. He had both his ears pierced and I realized I think that is gorgeous. Really sexy. I told Andrew that when I got home and he said maybe he would pierce both ears but I am not sure how it would go with his haircut.

Andrew helped me put up the new rice paper shades for the living room windows -- thanks IKEA for the 4 hour project! -- we only got 2 shades complete and hung, so there are still more to do. Again, thanks IKEA for making something look easy when it's painful and complicated! But they look great so I'm pretty pleased.

My back is killing me. I hyper-extended it while skiing on March 3rd and yeah, it hurt when I did it. But I pulled a muscle while rolling out of bed in the middle of the night on March 29 and that puppy STILL hurts. I've been going to the chiropractor and I should have gotten an x-ray 10 days ago but I still haven't. The pain has prompted me to schedule an x-ray tomorrow. I went skiing on the weekend and it hurt a lot! I am definitely not going skiing this weekend. :(

Priceless

Test results are completely normal. I am still A-OK and that makes me happy.

I'm in Tahoe and there are 14 people in my house. It's so cool except for the fact that I -- me -- I spilled bong water on the rug in the living room. Any pretense of maturity has been erased.

Ha!

Doing Some Really Good Work

Tuesday. Group therapy night. Third time and I am hearing things like "you did some really good work" and am noticing how close to the surface these people's feelings are. The snap of a finger, the drop of a hat, and people can cry. Me included. Tonight I tried to say something and couldn't and I started crying. I was just trying to say that I couldn't breathe all day. I kept having to take deep breaths and even a walk at lunchtime couldn't clear whatever was making me feel so off. Why couldn't I breathe? What was I afraid of? I think it had something to do with the horrible pervy wolfish Internet date I had last night. He made me feel unclean by the way he looked at me. He was disgusting and he made me feel hopeless because if that's what I have to look forward to, I should just get out of the game. I think that's why I couldn't breathe today. I am missing him, my guy, and how I felt about him, even though I know he's not available to me.

Daniel, therapist no. 2, asked me if I wanted to know why I keep choosing the wrong guy. Yeah, I want to know. But I said it would take a long time to figure that out. I've been trying to figure that out for about 10 years now and I haven't made much progress, but ole Daniel had it out in about 20 minutes. I swear to God. And it blew me away.

He asked me to think about the last guy and what it was about him that was a problem. With him it was the girls. Daniel asked me to remember what hurt me and how that felt. I told Daniel about how he had woken up with me the first time I spent the night and how he went out with another girl after he dropped me off at home.

Then Daniel asked me to think about another guy and what it was that hurt me. I told him about K and how he kept pulling away from me. Daniel asked me how that made me feel and I was able to say that it scared me, thinking that it would always be that way. That it frustrated me to give him the comfort he needed without getting what I needed. What I realized was that I can ask the men I am with for something and they will never tell me no, but they will not give me what I ask for either.

Then Daniel asked me to remember the feeling of not getting what I needed, but leave those men behind and go back to when I was a little girl. My eyes were closed and he took me back to my teenage years and back beyond that to when I was a little girl and then he asked me what came up when I felt that feeling. I wanted to see my dad somehow but the feelings it brought up were all about my mom, and that shocked me.

My mom was the best thing I had going as a little girl. But Daniel helped me realize that I really didn't get what I needed from her. She was busy with 5 kids and her volunteer stuff and the church and work and she was not always available to me. I grew up unsupervised while my parents were away at work, and when things went wrong there was no one there for me. I didn't get the help I needed. No one was paying attention to what I needed.

Daniel helped me realize that the men I have had relationships with are just like that. They give me what I think is love and attention when I don't ask for anything difficult, but when I need them they aren't there for me. They are not available to me. That's the one thing they all have in common. They are pre-occupied with something else and I take a back seat to their preoccupation.

It makes perfect sense once Daniel helped connect it for me. I don't know how this will change things but I hope it will relieve some of this brooding I have been doing over him. I have been praying that he will come back to me. In between times of praying for strength just to get through the pain.

I do pray that he will come back to me. Not because I would welcome and accept him back, but because I want him to know my truth. And that is that feeling the pain of losing him made me look for a way to change what I do in my relationships. And that has led me to Daniel and to a lot of progress in a few short weeks.

I also want him to know that I still believe in him, and that I think he will get to where he wants to be eventually. And I hope he believes in me and my ability to change too. I have a lot of compassion for him, because if he feels even half as bad as I do right now, and I am sure that he does, he deserves my compassion much more than my anger. I want to wish him godspeed in his journey and thank him for being part of this new knowledge I have gotten as a result of losing the relationship with him.

I'm glad something good has come from the pain and the pity of breaking up two people who were having such a wonderful time with each other. I hope more will come from this work I am doing with Daniel and the group. I feel exhausted from so much crying and from the Ambien I stole out of A's bedside table. It's 11:30 and I am going to bed.