Monday, November 27, 2006

Come on in, take what you want

Oh man, one thing I neglected to mention is that when I went to my brother's house for Thanksgiving I had a ton of things to load up in the car -- food, borrowed items, a huge stack of presents, just call me Aunt Therese. I made several trips to the car and I was ready to go at around 11.

After a great day at my brother's place I arrived home at around 9:30pm to find my front door standing open.

Wide open.

I must have just not locked it when I breezed off to San Jose. In fact, I must not have closed it.

Since it was dark I was kind of afraid to go in but I was on the phone with Andrew* who would send the police if I was attacked, so I went in. Nothing was gone. The place was 100% undisturbed. After ten hours of wide-openness.

This is incredible. I am lucky. And. Yes. I am stupid.

*Andrew lives in this house

somewhere in Barleigh Shore or something that sounds like that in the Gold Coast. I don't remember the name but I can tell you it's probably more than two thousand miles from California and I miss the idea of seeing him quite soon. Here is the room where I will stay when I visit.


and all I can say is which way to the hot hub, Andrew? Want to go to the beach tomorrow? I miss you tons!!
PARTY! It's m'birthday today. And I'm happy, happy, happy about it. I have long been a believer that every one deserves dinner and sex on his/her birthday and I've got dinner reservations at 6pm. Patrick took care of the other part yesterday (merely a downpayment). So yeay! And thanks everyone for the phone calls and emails. I'm feeling very loved today!!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

In my years of therapy I have learned that when things go off the rails in one area of life, the balance I've struck with other areas helps me weather the ups and downs. It's a bad idea to over-invest in one area of life. I met someone on the phone this morning who talked about "not working to the same level" over the Thanksgiving holiday. Whoa...please seriously try to find some balance, work guy. I'm totally supportive of working hard and achieving your goals, but take a day off.

This weekend I hooked up with Patrick, a Tahoe guy I met some months ago. He invited me to the Divided Sky (the only bar in Meyers) for some band on Friday night and I went. Patrick's very cute, and he's also very fun to spend time with. In fact, I spent the whole weekend with him. So much for taking time to get to know someone before sleeping with them...there is no proof one way or the other that not sleeping with someone is better.

I'm going to Don and Dianna's for the bird tomorrow, and I'm excited. I have big presents for Nicole and Erika...Nicole's birthday was Oct 19 and I haven't seen her since then so the present thing is something to look forward to. I got a nice present for Erika too because I may have gone overboard with presents for Nicole. I love to spoil them and I might as well.

I'm bringing the casserole makings for green bean casserole and a homemade mac and cheese casserole. Must haves for T-giving if you ask me. Happy holidays everyone. Enjoy your families. Enjoy the food. Enjoy the peace of our lives.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Another Battle with the Neighbor

The neighbor Greg has begun to say hello to me again. This, after months of coordinated blindness when we pretend we don't actually see each other out on the sidewalk. It annoys the crap out of me that he has started to say hello to me in the morning because the last thing he said to me was, "Ponygirl, the last thing I want to do first thing in the morning is talk to you." And here he is talking to me first thing in the morning.

So yesterday morning I was leaving my apt. to get some milk from the corner store and he said hello and I was not in a mood. My brain was still itching from all the sugared sweets and gallons of coffee I had drunk the day before and I probably shouldn't have said anything but:

GREG: Hello Ponygal
ME: ...
GREG: How are you today?
ME: ...
ME: Hey Greg, it's nice that you are saying hello to me now, I guess that's your way of letting me know that you want to get past the whole thing with the shoes.
GREG: Well, actually, I have no intention of moving my shoes.

Let me just point out that I've been living with the shoe thing for over a year and I did not just ask him to move his motherfucking shoes. But whatever.

ME: Yeah, well I just decided to live with that. But this no-talking thing has been going on for a long time, and I wanted to tell you that I was really offended by the way I tried to work this thing out with you but in response you said something that really wasn't helpful to the situation and I felt kind of insulted. But I'm willing to just let it blow over if you are.
GREG: Well I don't think what I said was insulting. I have a lot of other things to do besides deal with problems around here and I was just letting you know that. If you were insulted that's your problem.
ME: Wow, ok. I have a problem with the insulting way you talk to me.

All I can say is that the conversation spiraled into Dante's 7th circle of hell from there. It got to this point:

ME: Well while we are on the subject of problems around the house, let me just tell you that someone upstairs has some seriously squeaky bedsprings. The kind that wake me up in the middle of the night and allow me to time the act.

And then it got to this point:

GREG: I would appreciate it if you would make an appointment with us whenever you have something to talk about.
ME: Nah, I'll just go back to not talking to you.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Office Life

This week has been devoted to three full days of meetings. Sitting in the same crowded, windowless room packed with people and trays of food. Today my brain itches and aches a little, and I think I need a little mental holiday.

Seriously, why do they deliver food that represents about 10,000 calories per person every day? I can't not eat the meals and the snacks because it's the only reason I have to get up out of my chair during the day.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Sometimes I wish I had a digital camera. Not terribly often, but I can tell that this tickling of a wish for one is going to grow. Kind of like the itch to get a cell phone...I resisted for a very long time and when I finally got one I realized I didn't want to live without one.

The camera would have come in handy today so that I could show you the little family of baby mice I uncovered as I rolled out a carpet pad that was their home. I take pride in being quite capable in most situations. I can read a map, change a tire, jump a dead battery, nail things, drill things, change electrical plugs and switches. But mice? Fuck that.

When I unrolled the pad enough to see telltale signs of a mouse (a cache of dog food and some fluffy nest-y stuff and mouse poop, eeeewwwwww), I jumped back, pulled up the cuffs of my jeans (so it didn't run up my legs!), jumped on the couch but then jumped down to open the sliding door to the deck (in case it would maybe just run outside and I could then safely close the door!) and then jumped up on the couch again looking for signs of life from the nest-y part. I thought I could see slight movement but the sick thing is that I could hear chirping. These were baby mice.

I did the only logical thing in this situation -- I ran next door and got my neighbor Joey. He was clearly watching football but he clearly had no way out of this. He came over and took a look, sort of jiggled the nest a little bit and a wee little mousey came stumbling out. Too young to run, poor little guy. I'll save you the play-by-play...they got cleaned up into a garbage bag and Joey took them away.

The mama is definitely in my house somewhere, and next weekend I'll set traps (I had no bait other than Cap'n Crunch cereal, soup, cheezits, and broccoli). I just hope Joey won't mind coming over again if I catch one.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Squeegee = Great Income

Oi kvetch. I woke up to a bit of a snowstorm (I'm in Tahoe, natch) and that meant today's window washing plan was iffy. Adding insult to injury, I have no squeegee. I went on a special squeegee buying trip earlier this week and call me what you will, but I was quite excited about using the squeegee to clean the windows over here.

Are you surprised that I have just come indoors from washing windows in freezing rain without a squeegee, with only a bucket and sponge and some paper towels? No? You shouldn't be. I can not be thwarted (put your mind around that word). What should surprise you is that I washed the windows etc., etc. and I am not even high. I'm pushing 39 and I can not find a source for the weed anywhere. It is having a negative effect on my productivity here in Tahoe. Will the weed smoking go the way of cigarette smoking*? Don't count on it but sheesh.
*I have not smoked for 348 days. Let's say I averaged a half a pack a day or 10 cigarettes -- that means I have not smoked 3,480 cigarettes that I would have ordinarily. I estimate I have smoked more than 70,000 cigarettes in my life.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Oh the Buddhists. How much I love them. I love them for gently helping me realize that people do change, me included. How silly of me to forget and feel hopeless. In hindsight I needed to ask Josh if he wasn't over-reacting thinking that I was so frustrated by him that we needed to break up. But seriously, the boy did go on and on about things and I was really trying. Maybe trying too hard.

I did hug a tree today but I forgot it was going to be dark at 6:00! I got up from my desk after a full day of corporate communications and dog gone it, there was a nearly-full moon out there. I enjoyed my walk a LOT and feel grateful for so many things today. Here are a few of them (I love a list!):
  1. I ate healthy food all day today except quite a few low fat potato chips with dip which made me want to barf but tasted great. I also exercised for more than an hour.
  2. the Deer Beside the River painting came in the mail today and it is a masterpiece. Words cannot express. Lo, the googly eyes!
  3. I have three more paintings coming very soon. Maybe tomorrow!
  4. working from home tomorrow, alarm rings at 6:30
  5. going to the chiropractor first thing in the AM and she's at the end of my block
  6. getting new brakes on the Subaru. Responsible car ownership turns me on. I love me.
  7. I got busy on the ski share and am working things out...have already cashed a check for $2100 and expect another $10,500. Bank!
  8. going to Tahoe on Friday...on the agenda for the weekend: washing windows and making curtains. Who wants to come with me? I'll cook!
  9. I have made a decision that because I have never been any good at returning ANYTHING in my life (seriously I think I have returned less than five things in my entire life) -- I am DONATING the porch swing and lanterns that I bought for the house and didn't use. Habitat for Humanity will eat them up (you know, I have the good taste). Probably paid $1K for them but they were going to charge me 25% restocking and all the shipping anyway and I get the 8 damn boxes that have been sitting there since July out of my cube and I feel good about giving something nice to H for H. ROCK!
  10. time for bed -- I made my bed today. I'm such an adult sometimes.

Hiking in the city

Wow, yesterday was a negative post day. But life's not always sunny skies, is it? Today is brighter and I'm working at home, planning to get outside at the end of the day and hug a tree in Golden Gate Park.

It's also Zen Center night and I'll walk there too. I love San Francisco because it's such a walking city. The bus on my corner will take me to the park and from there I can spend 45 minutes strolling past the Conservatory of Flowers

and Stow Lake

grab a cup of coffee at the de Young Museum cafe, and then hike across town to the Zen Center at Page and Laguna which should take about 15 minutes.

Yes, living in the city comes with some challenges like difficulty parking and no back yard, but they are almost insignificant compared to the joy of taking off on foot and seeing such natural beauty, interesting architecture, and the city's rich mix of people.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

There was a but after all

I'd like to think that I played this one by the book. I met Josh, offered him friendship, didn't sleep with him, talked to him about my thoughts and feelings, compromised on the things that aren't too important, listened to him with compassion and understanding, and in the end there was still a but.

He cancelled on me at 6:15 on Thursday night, said he didn't feel up to going out. That's the second time he's cancelled at the last possible minute -- he let the whole day go by and then stood me up. On the phone with me he was off on a diatribe about traffic and people in his lane and he wasn't going to be able to find a parking place and he wasn't letting me say much of anything. I did tell him I was frustrated because I had left work early to be home at 6:30 for him but I could tell he wasn't listening to me. I decided to talk to him about it when he was in another frame of mind.

So I tried talking to him on Friday, but he was out shopping and was not really focused on our conversation. Same thing happened Saturday morning...he was out walking and doing errands and wasn't focused on our conversation, kept interrupting me, and I didn't feel right trying to bring up anything of weight. I asked him if he would call me back when he got home and he said he didn't know when he'd have time. I told him I was frustrated because he seemed distracted lately and I just wanted to have his full attention. He said he would call back around 5.

He called when he said he would and he told me that he didn't think this whole thing between us would work out, that he thinks I want more than he can give, and that he didn't want to feel like he had frustrated and disappointed me. I could go on but it's all along the same theme. He said he has to take care of himself and that means being selfish. He also said he's still got feelings around the break-up of his marriage and that is leading him to keep me at arm's length. (Karuna)

You know what? That's all I need to hear. I want more than he can give, if giving means being open to a relationship, present for a conversation, and doing your best to work through a problem. We talked yesterday and again today and we both got a chance to say how we feel and we even worked out the frustrating conversation issue but it didn't matter. He said he likes me and felt a connection but this fight happened too early in the relationship and it's not going to work. I agree.

I'm angry with myself today. (Maitra) I picked Josh out of 16 other men and damned if he didn't end up being available only on his terms. All I can do is try again. And again. And again. I feel like I try things different each time but I end up in the same place. I thought I was trying something new with Josh -- I believed he's not like other men I've dated, but that's not really true. He's a lot like other men I've dated who are not available for one reason or another.


Speaking of unavailable men, Keith left a message on my phone last night. What's that, about 7 weeks later? That's unfortunately pretty much what I expected from him.

In other news, I wrenched my back trying to lift something heavy and am wearing a brace for a week or so. Sucks.

In more other news, Kevin's in jail again and asking me for money and some kind of support when he gets out so that he doesn't have to go back on the street.
John got his mentally ill, drug-addicted girlfriend pregnant (this will be her fifth child...where are the other four??) and he wants me to welcome her into the family. He also totaled his uninsured car...I'm pretty sure he's wrapped up in crystal meth again. I hate this part of my life, and I want my life to change. It's a no-win situation...cutting off my family doesn't work and continually hearing about their bad choices makes me angry. I'm not willing to continue to support them so that they can continue to make bad choices. Telling them "I'm sorry things are so hard for you" is about all I will do after twenty years of this. There is a difference between helping and enabling, and I can't help either one of them.

They have both had years to change course and yet end up in the same place over and over. So in the spirit of Carrie Bradshaw I ask, do people change? Really? Despite the work I've done on relationships I don't believe my outcomes have changed. Do people change? I'm awfully skeptical.


Dry Landscape Design and the Zen Aesthetic

My place in Tahoe is at an altitude of 6300 feet and not much grows without irrigation installed. I don't want to install irrigation for several reasons: a) it's a waste of precious water, b) the run-off from watering fertilized lawns and flower beds is directly adding to the algae bloom in Lake Tahoe and the destruction of its famous clarity, c) green lawns and non-native flowers are totally unnatural to the Sierra landscape, and finally d) everyone with an irrigation system spends large amounts of time and money maintaining the system each year and cutting the grass and I would like to avoid that.

Since I renovated the house in the tradition of Greene and Greene (architects whose work embodied the aesthetic of the Arts and Crafts movement with a subtle Japanese influence), I believe a Zen garden ideal which repeats the natural materials I used (red cedar, stone, brick) will complement the house and its natural surroundings.

It might be a bit pretentious though, given the fact that the house is in the mountains among mountain people. I've been reading the Western Garden Book and matching it to web sites to understand how the Zen garden aesthetic can be applied in native plants in Tahoe.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

The Four Arms of Buddhist Love

It's no secret. I love the Buddhists. I think of the four arms of Buddhist love often and I have them listed in a PowerPoint file on my desktop. I open it every once in a while to remind myself how I can spread happiness by loving people.
  • Maitra -- A boundless feeling of friendliness and wishing well for others. It implies friendliness: befriending and accepting yourself, your body and mind, and the world.
  • Karuna -- Compassion, empathy, being moved by feeling what others feel.
  • Upeksha -- Equanimity, recognizing the equality of all that lives.
  • Mudita -- Spiritual joy and satisfaction. This includes rejoicing in the virtue and success of others. The antidote to envy and jealousy.

Let's all offer Andrew some karuna today -- pray he finds the precious thing he lost.

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