Friday, March 23, 2007

Return of Ponygirl

About a month and a half has gone by since my last post and I can see now that I don't post in this journal thing when I'm feeling particularly happy or particularly sad. It's easier to write when there isn't a whole lot going on.

In the last six weeks I've been up and down: happily the ups have been great and the downs haven't been all that bad. I am lucky not to have the roller coaster of emotions that I've known my whole life. I'm much healthier, mentally, and I credit the John Bradshaw family systems group that I attend.

Not surprisingly, the ups and downs have been related to my relationship with Patrick. He suddenly broke up with me a month ago. After declaring how much he loves me, he said we are just too different and it will never work out.

I'll save the entire long story, which involved a couple of reconciliations and subsequent breakups, lots of sex, some tears on both sides, the return of personal belongings, some furtive phone calls and text messages, and lately nothing. Big sigh. Patrick is a great guy but apparently I'm too much woman for him.

You know what? I'm constantly doing something ... I'm not much of a couch potato and I am spontaneous as hell. I work a lot, and my career is important to me. I've got a pretty solid group of friends who are as spontaneous as I am and I spend time with them. I travel between San Francisco and Lake Tahoe on an almost weekly basis, and while I made time for him I wasn't always available to him.

I believe Patrick's issue comes from the fact that I'm out here moving and shaking and he's not doing much of that. He's a fascinating person, fun-loving, intellectual, humble, strong and healthy, spiritual. But he doesn't seem to appreciate the power I have in terms of earnings, friends and sociability, and mobility. He definitely doesn't appreciate my approach to religion. I think being six years older than him was also part of his hesitancy.

He seems to want a traditional relationship and I can't give him that. I'm always going to make more money than him. I'll always be jumping from one project to the next. I'll always be older than him. In other words, I'll always BE ME.

So the relationship has to end. And I feel pretty fine about it. I believed in our relationship, and I thought that we could both adapt to each others' strengths and weaknesses. Patrick's not perfect for me either. There are lots of things -- little things but a few big things -- that don't align with my "perfect man" idea but I found so much to appreciate in Patrick that I felt we could make it. He didn't. He bailed on the relationship. I just have to accept it, and I have. It's been a few weeks and I'm proud to say I am not obsessed. That feels great.

You know what else feels great? I met a couple of guys last weekend at the bar at Heavenly and one of them invited me to play beach volleyball on Muir Beach last night. I had a blast (and it was a great workout). His friends are extremely cool. His name's Hannes, he's from Estonia, he's got tattoos covering both arms and one leg (?), those earrings that make your earlobes into saucers, and it looks like he may be my rebound guy. Not age appropriate, but I'm not in a place to actually try again. At a time when I'm feeling rejected and maybe a little too old, here's a sign that "the old girl's still got it." That's right, I'm 39 and I'm hot.

Oh, and did I mention I'm thinking about buying another house this weekend?
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