trotting along

Homie Rolls Over and Other News

2008-11-30T19:42:00.000-08:00

We spent this week in Tahoe, our last hurrah before our house is fully rented for the ski season. Given the difficult economy and some credit card debt left over from the summer when we couldn't actually afford to be paying two mortgages (we sold house #2 thank god), we decided to use the house for a ski share again. Only this time we won't be members of the ski share since we have Colin (aka Homie) and the ski share is not an environment for kids. Ironically we spent time this weekend searching for a vacation rental that we can split with our friends Jen and Graham, who have an 8 month old baby girl.

Happily we found a 3br, 2ba condo with Heavenly Ski Resort in its back yard. We can ski out at the end of the day, isn't that fun? We rented it for nine weekends through April, basically 2 weekends a month, and that's probably as much as we can get to Tahoe anyway. The difference in what we will make on our house and what we will pay for the rental is astounding, enough to pay off the debt and then some. I have felt some sorrow over losing our own house for the winter but as soon as I remember how sound this decision is, it doesn't feel as bad.

I went back to work on Oct 8 and it's been very hard, not surprisingly. We announced our earnings in early November, bad news to Wall Street, and ever since then I have had too much stress on the job. Because I work in internal communications, there has been a lot to do -- explaining lots of changes to employees, and everything has been urgent. Getting a couple of days off at Thanksgiving has been really wonderful. I bet everyone at work has felt this same relief.

Michael and Colin and I were afraid we would be in Tahoe by ourselves for the holiday but Uncle Kevdogg came for a couple of days. It was a lot of fun to have him here. He showed us how to play poker online, he crushed some breadcrumbs and made the Stove Top stuffing for our feast, and he got the latest Indiana Jones movie for us to watch that night. It would have been great to have him here all week but he had to drive his taxi on the weekend so we had to let him go. Our meal was fantastic and our whole day was totally relaxed. Hate to say it, but it was nice not to spend the day doing the big family thing. A lot less to fuss about. It's wonderful spending time with Michael again. We spent every day together during the summer and then bam, we hardly see each other during the daylight because he's back in school and I'm back at work. I've got two weeks off at Christmas and I'm looking forward to them.

Yesterday Colin rolled from his tummy to his back -- his first time! He's been working on his rolling technique with our manny Keith but he hasn't succeeded until yesterday. We were surprised he didn't go from his back to his tummy, thought that was the usual thing, but what do we know? He's also cutting his bottom two teeth and it makes him such a sad baby these last two days. He sure appreciates me for cuddling him though, and it's nice.

Aunt Maureen sent him some Christmas pajamas that are adorable. He's got some red velour pants. Let me say that again. Red. Velour. Pants. And a couple of onesies with secular Christmas messages. I put them on him this evening and we did a photo shoot but the poor kid just wanted a bottle and bed, so there were no smiles. We will try again tomorrow morning and I am sure we will have better luck.

Now for some updated photos of Homie. First his Halloween costume. Can you guess? He's the Travelocity Elf. Don't you want to just pinch those cheeks?

Then there's the one of Homie cold-kickin it in his hipster jeans, bouncin in the kitchen. He's got one pants leg rolled up for his lo-jac.

And finally, some from the afore-mentioned photo shoot. It apparently went on a little too long. Enjoy until I write again!

The Family Goes to Hawaii

2008-08-18T13:44:00.000-07:00

Here is Colin in Hawaii. It was his first trip on a plane...he's six weeks old. We checked with our pediatrician before making plans, and he gave the thumbs up. We were concerned that Colin might catch something, and the dr. recommended we bring some Clorox wipes with us and wipe down everything around our seats. He also recommended we put Colin in a window seat where no one would sneeze on him or try to touch him. We didn't buy a seat for Colin but we were lucky to get a seat between M and me on both the trip out and the return.

We had a great time at the beach. We had a vacation rental on the north shore of Oahu at Sunset Point, and we just relaxed for 10 days. The Olympics were on TV, so M and I just kicked back in the evenings and watched. Colin slept like a champ at night and on the beach during the day, and he barely seemed to notice the change in scenery.

This is the cutest picture of Colin. It's the moment before he melts.

Three Weeks Old

2008-07-26T13:56:00.000-07:00

Elizabeth gave Colin this outfit and I think he looks adorable. Michael thinks he looks like a Castro sailor in it. That may be an inside joke for people who live in SF.

He's sleeping in his bouncy chair.

First Trip to Tahoe

2008-07-22T13:35:00.000-07:00

Papa posing with Colin in the sling that Michael and Kimberly gave us. Colin is around 3 weeks old now and fitting right in with us. We drove from our house to Emerald Bay and walked the mile or so down to Vikingsholm, a small stone house at the water's edge. We've enjoyed getting out of the house nearly every day.

Colin's First Bottle

2008-07-21T13:30:00.000-07:00

He's such a good baby.

Colin's First Bath

2008-07-11T13:06:00.000-07:00

Aunt Maureen

2008-07-06T13:07:00.000-07:00

My sister, Maureen, and me at the beach at Pacifica, four days after Colin was born.

Maureen arrived from Bloomington, IL, the day Colin was born and stayed for a week. I had Colin by C-section, so I was supposed to stay in the hospital for four days after his birth, but since Maureen and Michael were at home I left after 2 days. We are going to IL at the end of January so we'll swing by Bloomington to visit. Everyone's looking forward to it.

Here's Colin, 4 days old at the beach.

2008-07-02T12:30:00.000-07:00

Colin Michael Pakes
born July 2, 2008
3:41AM

9 lbs. 15 oz.
21-3/4 inches

One Month Left -- Due Date June 26

2008-05-28T17:11:00.000-07:00

Michael and I did a small photo shoot in my friend Beryn's garden last weekend and behold the love! the belly! the many angles!:

2008-02-12T15:40:00.000-08:00

Ha. Last post I said it was sick that I hadn't posted in a month. That was a little under three months ago.

Re-reading my last post, it seems I lied. I quit all nefarious substances because I have a baby in my belly. Looking back, it was kind of fun to make up excuses for why I wasn't drinking. Excuses such as I have an alcohol allergy. It makes my feet swell. I'm doing a cleanse. I only drink biodynamic wine. I was so wasted last night there is no way I can drink tonight. Now I just point to the bump. It's due June 26 and we're not planning to find out the sex until we say hello to the little bugger.

I'm also engaged. Michael popped the question on Christmas Day. I wasn't expecting it, to say the least. When he asked me to walk with him to the beach so he could give me a special present I had an inkling, so I took a look to see if he was nervous or sweating but he was so totally cool. We were at the beach at the Marina with San Francisco Bay and the Golden Gate Bridge as background and he said a bunch of really wonderful and true things and then he whipped out the Tiffany blue box. I unwrapped it and inside was a sapphire-and-diamond ring (Michael likes blue and although he once said he was opposed to diamonds because the trade oppresses the poor and the weak he got them because he knew I wanted them. He made sure these were mined legitimately.). He told me he wants to be with me for the rest of our lives and he asked me to marry him. I said yes because I want to be with him for the rest of our lives too. So we went home and told our families and we don't have a date yet but later we decided June 2009. It was a surprise because M had asked me if I could see myself pregnant in a wedding dress and I said no thank you, that's not my style. Let's wait until after the baby is born. And there he was, shopping for a ring and planning his proposal, and I didn't know.

What a difference a year makes. I'm knocked up, shacked up, and engaged.

We want to get married in the back yard at the house in Tahoe and have all our friends and family come. It will be a big barbecue kind of thing but nicer than that. There are vacation homes all over the place and we can envision our friends sharing houses, reconnecting, enjoying the beach and the weather and the mountains with their friends and their kids, just hanging out for a wonderful weekend. There's also no end of hotel rooms if you want a pool and HBO. There's plenty of time to save for the trip too. Hope you're planning to come.

The baby is growing well and causing no trouble. Except for regular cravings for chocolate milk (and chocolate everything else), some extremely weird dreams and a little insomnia now and then, I've been completely normal. The bump is big. While I'm driving in my car I see other pregnant women walking and I want to shout How far along are you? so that I can compare bump size. It seems like it pooched out in the space of 2 weeks and I had this dream of a somewhat petite, perfectly round little basketball bump that is already out of the question. I will be large. And I'm ok with that. Mostly. The lucky trade-off is huge, enormous breasts heading to size C. As an Almost A for my entire life I am in serious awe of the wealth of boobage I now possess. I want to keep them forever.

Guess what? I just did the pencil test. You know, where your boob is supposed to trap a pencil under it? I failed the pencil test. Maybe I am exaggerating the size C. But these babies are so fine.

A Short List

2007-11-20T08:11:00.000-08:00

It's sick. It's over a month since my last post.

Sounds like confession. "Bless me father for I have sinned. It has been five weeks since my last post and these are my sins."

Spending as much FREE time with Michael as I can. In the time that's passed since my last post, he and I experienced the ultimate outrageousness in terms of nose-to-the-grindstone kind of work weekend in Tahoe. 36 hours in one weekend. True story. We went over there to build the concrete countertops, worked 10 hours Saturday, 14 hours Sunday, and had to stay over on Monday to finish. Monday finally ended at 10pm (and we still had a 3+ hour drive back to San Francisco). But ah, the satisfaction. Those beauties! We mixed and poured 8 batches of concrete and made 7 different pieces to cover the entire kitchen, bar area, hearth, and bathroom vanity.
Saw "Lust, Caution" and "No Country for Old Men" as well as a few ba-a-a-d movie rentals. Michael and I have agreed to write down the recommended titles before going to the movie store and aimlessly cruising the shelves. Maybe we will work out the Netflix when we move in together.
Did I just say that?! Yeah, we are working out the details of where and when. Michael has Henry, a sweet pussy cat who lives in the back yard at his place and needs some nature to run around in. Henry can't move to my place or he would be splat on Castro Street in no time. I can't move to Michael's because it's a small one bedroom and I am not capable of taking laundry out of the house to wash it. So we are weighing other alternatives. I have never lived with a man but I am certain Michael and I will smooth over the rough spots with alacrity.
Taking the week off to furnish the Tahoe house. I have a massive list on the back of an envelope and I have had help running around getting this and that. I am meeting Kevin for breakfast in 35 minutes (so I had better get in the shower pretty fast!). I am so thankful that Kevin is still steady and that I get to spend time with him.
Stopped drinking alcohol and smoking pot more than two weeks ago. Do you have any idea how many people demand an explanation for this? They want to know if you have started going to AA, or if you are grossly overweight and needing to go to desperate measures. I just wanted to stop, and I feel a lot more even keeled because of it. The anxiety is less, I think. And I'm sleeping really well (not that I ever had trouble with that).

So this will have to do for a post -- I have to run out the door to meet Kevin! Will try to do more later...

2007-10-11T21:46:00.001-07:00

Rambling, but hey, two days in a row. I started to say "this is just to say blah blah" and then I remembered Langston Hughes who I really like but someone close to me doesn't but here's what he said:

This is just to say

that I 've eaten the plums in the icebox

(but no, not me, if you knew me you would realize that I do not eat plums. it would be simply crazy. I do not like fruit and plums are some of the worst offenders. slimy texture that mushes and dissolves. plus skin that gets in your teeth. no plums, thank you.)

So here's mine:

This is just to say

that I appreciate all the help the universe has given me.

I am really lucky and I know it. I hope that doesn't sound smug because I'm feeling that way a little bit right now. Jeez. Life could be so much worse (and it could be not much better, frankly). Lucky, lucky sagittarius. Makes me want to smoke a cigarette to be honest. But see? I'm lucky. I don't smoke any more, because it smelled like shit and it was going to kill me.

This is just to say

that I keep thinking about Jessica and knowing how sad she is.

Jess, I'm so sorry that we lost your granny. I'm sorry. It makes me cry.

This is just to say

that I feel the luck of the universe close by.

October Update

2007-10-10T20:51:00.000-07:00

I have never been so busy in my entire life, and it's exciting but scary and exhausting.

Work is crazy crazy. I am not sure if I posted the fact that I got promoted in June or July, but now there is much more expected of me and I am trying to build a team. New employees suck up a lot of my time. And on top of that, I got a new boss in August, and he has been giving me new responsibilities hand over fist. It's 9pm and I just got off a conference call with India. I'm so tired.

The new house in Tahoe is almost done but the renovation is a second full-time job. I've spent 10 weeks and $50K on the first-floor renovation, and next year I'll probably spend another $30K to renovate the second floor and convert the enclosed garage space to living space. The year after that I will sell this puppy and hopefully collect a $90K. The plan calls for me to become a licensed real estate broker, so I need to go to school for that at some point. I feel like a real business woman with this project, and it's definitely filling my desire to do a little home decorating.

Right now I'm trying to fill my ski leases (two ski leases now that I have two houses...it means finding 22 people). I have listings on Craigslist and am receiving a lot of email that I honestly don't have time to answer. So last night I talked to my roommate Eric and he agreed to manage the process for me in exchange for a spot in one of the houses. A spot is worth a little over $1000, so I'm definitely paying for this but it's worth it just in insurance against blowing the opportunity to fill both leases. In case you're interested in what the ski lease is all about you can visit the craigslist post for the Meyers house. Choosing the right people is the most important thing, and I'm giving up control over that, but I totally trust Eric.

And so I saved the best for last. Words can not describe how wonderful, how enjoyable, and how different my relationship with Michael is. We are totally in love and we're both so excited about it. I don't even know what to say about it -- there is too much to describe. I'm so very lucky.

2007-08-02T00:40:00.000-07:00

I don't know how long it's been since I posted but it feels like a long time. Here's a list of what's up.

Michael is cooler than cool. We've been seeing each other for four months now, and we are continuing to take it slow, not freak out, and enjoy spending time together. We had our first fight about two weeks ago and it was traumatic but at the height of the confusion and turmoil we were able to laugh together about what was happening between us and it all felt better again.
The new house in Tahoe is officially under construction. John (my brother who helped with the other house and then went off on crystal but is off the speed now) is leading this project with me and he knocked down a bunch of walls on Sunday. The plumber is coming tomorrow, the drywall/painter has given his estimate, and Kevin (my other brother the sober heroin addict) is doing the electrical work. Michael and I are doing the concrete counter tops in the kitchen, the vanity top in the bathroom, and the hearth for the fireplace. We're taking a how-to workshop on Aug 18th. This is a huge group effort with so many of the people I love. I'm pretty nervous because it's moving forward and I don't have an actual budget, plus I have SO MUCH shopping to do. Aaaargh!
I got promoted at work. To the horrible women who tried to railroad me out of the company last summer, this is my revenge. It's the living well. It's the top 10% performance review and the promotion to senior manager that is my revenge against those horrible women. Is it wrong that so much of my person wants to say 'eat me' to those horrible women? But let me take a fresh breath of air, expel the anger at the horrible women, and just stop to appreciate the people I currently work with. I appreciate them very much. I admire their abilities, their intellect, their self-awareness, and their integrity. Om. I am in a better place. But (vengeful if only for another moment) I know that what goes around comes around. So those horrible women better change their ways. Sorry. Om. Mutherfuckers.
Part of my job now is driving Web 2.0 technology adoption, so this blog thing must be tax deductible somehow, right?
Last weekend I went white water rafting on the South Fork of the American River and it was fun. This weekend I am hiking and climbing (with ropes and harnesses...please comment on my badass-ness) in Yosemite, supposedly a 14-hour ordeal. I am nature girl.

I am tired girl so even if there were a number 6 it would have to wait. So good night. May the road rise to meet you and all that.

2007-07-10T16:41:00.000-07:00

Wasn't the 4th-of-July Wednesday fun, and then wasn't the go-back-to-work Thursday the most awful and horrible kind of torture?

I spent the 4th at Michael's house at a BBQ that his mom pulled together at the last minute. In preparation I tried to make a berry cobbler but it turned out to be a congealed berry pudding because I couldn't find a simple recipe, I was running out of time that morning, and I improvised. Everyone ate it because they are polite and it was covered in delicious vanilla bean ice cream but c'mon -- MIDWEST REPRESENT! If you're from central Illinois and you can't make deviled eggs or a cobbler they shun you at community events. Where is my mom's cobbler recipe? It was so easy.

Real Gratitude...Tahoe Will Recover

2007-07-02T11:33:00.000-07:00

Michael and I spent the weekend in Lake Tahoe, mostly relaxing but also doing a little clean-up around the house. What a huge relief it was to take a walk around first thing Saturday morning and see the river, forest, and sky that I love so much. My demons had convinced me that everything in eyesight beyond my back yard was burned, but in fact my little part of Tahoe is not changed at all. The news reporters had got it all wrong. I read in one report that the fire had burned all the way up Echo Summit and that was simply not true.

The roads are closed around the burned areas, but from the highway you can see the ridge where the fire started. From that distance, the purple and indigo colors above the treeline are hardly different from the charred ridge below, which is dark grey and black. All weekend I kept saying, "I can't believe it's not as bad as I thought it would be," and then I felt huge guilt because there are so many locals whose homes burned and they must think the fire is pretty god-awful. I still think the fire is a huge blow to all of us, but the community will recover. It certainly made us wake up to the need for better forest management.

The irony was right next door to my house when we arrived. There is forest land beside my house and at least five or six huge trees had been cut down in an effort to thin the trees. My neighbor had pointed to them last year and said they were a danger, and it seems the NFS must have agreed with him. Land management practices will probably change, and it's my great hope that there will be a call for volunteers to plant more fire-resistant pines in place of the firs that burned so fiercely. I'm game to volunteer.

On Saturday night we walked to the local bar together with my friends Danielle and Soufi. There was a fantastic band playing and plenty of room to sit. Heaven.

Patrick was sitting at the top of the stairs when we arrived at the bar. He said hello to Danielle and Soufi by name, and then I introduced him to Michael. Patrick handled the greeting with alacrity, and when I talked to him briefly a little later he said he was doing just fine. I hadn't seen Patrick since we split up so I was a little nervous about intruding on him in his element, especially with a new boyfriend. But it's my element too, so I'm glad there was no static. Michael was completely calm throughout, and he even said that Patrick had good energy about him, which was nice.

All in all, the weekend in Tahoe was pretty wonderful. All my fear about the fire was overblown and I'm so very glad. We brought some donations for the humane society and gave money to the fire victims through the IDP, and both agencies said the support has been overwhelming. I'm glad people are doing what they can to help out. I'm really glad that the fire hasn't substantially harmed Tahoe's beauty. We are camping in the Santa Cruz mountains this weekend in celebration of the 4th of July but we'll be back in Tahoe the following weekend.

Note to self, I really need to get the renovation on the other house started if it's going to be ready for ski season. How is it that I keep losing time? I'm kind of worried.

Destruction in Tahoe

2007-06-26T09:47:00.000-07:00

More than 2700 acres of forest and meadow have burned in Lake Tahoe, and the fire is still raging. My heart is aching for all the destruction -- over 200 families have lost their homes and many of my neighbors in Meyers are homeless. The animals who lived in the forest and meadows are dead or scattered, homeless as well.

I am lucky. Though the fire raged within blocks of my home, I believe it is unharmed. I'm going Friday to see the damage.

The dry winter left the Sierra snowpack at only 29% of normal when it was measured last month, and the land stewards knew there was a huge chance of fire. Any time you arrive in Meyers you are first greeted with a huge fire warning sign telling of the danger. That sign has been red since temperatures melted our snow in early May.

Though the actual cause of the fire has yet to be identified, it is known to have been caused by human action. It began within a few hundred feet of the Angora Creek campground. Illegal fireworks perhaps, a hastily abandoned campfire, or even a casually tossed cigarette could be the cause of this heartbreaking destruction.

A fire back in 2002 (started by a cigarette butt) burned a massive swath across the Heavenly ski resort. I often ski that area (the North Bowl) and I am amazed that five years later there is no sign that the dead soldiers -- all the pine trees which were killed in the fire -- are being crowded out by new growth. Although homes will be rebuilt a short time after this tragedy, it will take years before the blight of the massacred forest and meadows is erased. I will be reminded of it every time I step into my back yard. That beautiful mountain is burned to the tree line.

Yes, it is part of nature for our forests to regenerate from fire. Lightning strikes, a tree ignites, and forests burn. But casual disregard for the magnitude of a human mistake in the forest is something we see quite often, and it makes me angry and sad.

Nerd. iPod. and Other 4-letter Words

2007-06-21T23:17:00.000-07:00

I've joined the legions of people with iPods. I'm a late technology adopter in so many ways (I got a cell phone in 1999. Whatever that means.)

We were driving back from Tahoe one weekend last winter and Eric said, "I've got an extra iPod. I bought a Nano and now I'm giving away my old one. Which one of you wants it?" "Me!" I said. Coming from a family of five, I immediately beat out Nicole, the unwitting only child in the car. You have to be fast and paying attention in a big family or you don't get shit. So sometimes the pain pays off and this time it paid off with an iPod.

I got the iPod thing but I had to buy the accessories -- which cost an obscene amount of money, by the way -- and now I have a full music library courtesy of Eric's friend Ellen. Stuff I've never heard of but I like. And it's got Led Zepplin.

It's a great break from NPR, but I find myself thinking I need to get an iTunes account so I can listen to nerdy podcasts on my way to and from San Jose. Please liberally recommend the podcast subscriptions...

Even When There's Not a Problem

2007-06-17T17:31:00.000-07:00

This is just to say that I'm alive, and in a very happy time -- which is why I'm not blogging. It's got everything to do with feeling like I've got it all worked out for a time, at least enough of it to be cocky. Knock on wood.

Nine months ago, when I took the current job I hold, I was invited to take an Instinctive Drives test (along the lines of a Meyers-Briggs), and it revealed something pretty surprising (and true!) about me...namely that I am constantly, vigilantly, consciously and unconsciously looking for problems.

The report says I'm part of 2% of the population that is driven solely to identify and solve problems. No other drive in me, so says the report. The drive to build harmony among people? -- I do not possess it unless chaos is presenting a problem. The drive to complete a task? -- only if not completing it is a problem. You get what I mean.

Apparently a lot of people like me (all 2%) who can't immediately identify a problem in whatever they are dealing with will just create a problem to work on, as an exercise. Oh, the ring of truth.

George, my therapist at the time, God love him, helped me understand some of this information and I've been chewing on it ever since. It's been a huge insight for me in the area of relationships.

Here's the truth. At virtually no time have I ever been totally relaxed in a relationship. I am constantly weighing issues to determine whether they may be a problem now, in the near future, or in the ultimate future.

This is why some men get rejected immediately. I have rejected totally hot guys for having stubby fingers (not artistic, probably a small penis), for falling asleep in a cab with his mouth open (self-centered, slack-jaw), for calling me shortly before our second date to postpone since he had to work (probably a player). You name it. I think I've pushed more men away for flimsy reasons than all the men in Greenland. It's irresponsible, looking back, since I've always wanted a companion in my life.

But here's what I believe about that. Looking back on growing up, I have this feeling that the unspoken message from BOTH my parents was to please leave them alone, they've been at work, they're tired, and somebody already gave them a problem today, namely one or the other of my brothers.

Back then, I needed things to just kind of work out. I learned to be extremely resourceful, but moreover, I learned to be hyper-vigilant. Constantly on the lookout for the possibility of fuckupedness. Careful to proceed when I have calculated the chance of success and I know the gamble's worth it. This explains why I ski, but I would never bungee jump or sky dive. I like to have some control.

But this hyper-vigilance makes it tough to get a relationship off the ground. This problem-minding never stops.

Being constantly on the lookout for the possibility that a little fledgling relationship might end up being extremely fucked up means a lot of relationships don't even get a chance to play out. It only gets worse when, six months into a relationship, something happens, and the stakes are so much higher. There comes a point that I can't manage the risk. This need to identify problems has got anxiety all over it, so said George, my therapist, and it explains why I battle so hard with intimacy.

All along I have been thinking, "Getting into a relationship is not safe! There are so many problems that could happen, there's no possible way to be vigilant enough!" And all seemingly so very threatening to my very survival.

But then. Deep breath.

Somebody told me that relationships are inherently not safe. Just like that. As if everybody knew that, but nobody told me, and I didn't know. People you love can hurt you. But problems (and how we deal with them) are critically important to the development of intimacy.

Here I've been going along my ENTIRE LIFE trying to quietly avoid and fix problems in my relationships, before they are noticed by my lover. And when I couldn't avoid or fix problems, I tried to cover them up. When my lover mentioned a problem in the relationship, I faked to the left and then ran for the hills. And when I had some pesky problem that wouldn't stay under wraps, no matter how hard I tried, and I had to tell it to my lover, it was accompanied by near hysterics on my part, and he would recoil in horror. All of this problem avoidance made it really hard to keep something going.

Sorry, let me rephrase. All of this made it impossible to keep something going.

But then. Awareness. A personality test at work reveals this interesting fact, and it is a door to change.

OK, I get it that relationships are not safe. I'm willing to take a chance. I'm even practicing that kind of mindfulness they showed me at the Zen Center, so that when I'm with Michael, and I hear my mind running away with all of those potential problems, I realize what I'm doing. And if I truly have a problem at that moment, I let him know about it, and nothing's actually ever been a real problem once we talked about it.

What's honestly more shocking is that since my anxiety has loosened its hold on me, I'm actually more relaxed (duh, I know!), and things that might have been huge problems at one time don't matter in the least.

I think of all the time I spent agonizing over the cartoon noises that Brian made, or the fact that I was broke trying to pay my student loans and I couldn't afford to pick up the check with what's-his-name (the stubby fingers guy), or that Alan came from a rich old Southern family and I was ashamed of mine. There are literally hundreds of problems I have come across, large and small, that have contributed to the demise of my relationships. Things I wouldn't, or couldn't talk about.

Michael makes cartoon noises sometimes, and I told him about the thing I had back then, because it really was a problem for me. I couldn't stand those cartoon noises. Now it's a joke between us and a cartoon noise executed at the right time can be freaking hilarious.

More importantly, lately I had the courage in the moment to tell him he hurt my feelings when I really could have skipped it.

I was even able to tell him again, hours later, and even after his apology, when my feelings were still hurt. I was lying there beside him, trying to fall asleep, having turned away from him without making love. He had brought up the incident, and I couldn't talk about it, so I changed the subject and said I was tired and turned away. I was hurt, and scared, and wretched. Hot tears rolled, and I felt so utterly alone trying to solve this problem. But the awareness kicked in, and I got the courage to turn back to him and tell him I was still feeling hurt. (What a novel idea!) He held me, and said again he was sorry. I told him how hard it was, to tell him. And he understood that too. And then I got some good lovin'. The end.

2007-05-22T14:44:00.000-07:00

Today's my dad's birthday. He died last year on July 26th, the victim of a freak accident in the hot desert on the shoulder of I-5. He would have been 79.

He was a Gemini, and definitely there were two sides to Merle. One side jovial and teasing, a hard worker, earnest and patient, full of wisdom gained from the school of hard knocks. The other side wavered between sneering and critical, and apathetic and uninterested.

Everyone has their good and bad qualities. Everyone learns lessons as they journey through life. Nearly everyone tries their best every day. I know my dad did, even if things didn't work out all that well every time.

I didn't always give my dad credit for trying his best. I spent years and years baffled by my father's abandonment of me and my family. Early in my life he abandoned our family for work and drink, and later he simply refused to be a part of our lives and hung up the phone when I called.

Today I understand that my father fought the same demons I've run into in my life. Lacking self-esteem, making up for it with intimidation and superiority, feeling fear of opening up with people about feelings and doubts, avoiding people instead. Trying to be perfect. Failing. Hiding. Working hard to become convinced I didn't care anyway.

When I put myself into my father's shoes, I can understand his mistakes, and I can forgive him. For some reason I couldn't do that as well when he was alive. Happy birthday, dad. I miss you.

What Goes Around

2007-05-19T20:47:00.000-07:00

What a wonderful weekend. Here it is Saturday night, and I'm a little sunburned from lying in the grass in Dolores Park with Michael this afternoon. We are really enjoying spending time together.

On Monday this week we had the event I've been working for three months to deliver. Thank GOD it's over and thank god it went well. Scored a 4.65 out of 5 overall, and that's really good for the career, my friends. After too much champagne on Monday night I took Tuesday off, went to the Metreon cineplex and wandered from movie to movie just enjoying the dark and the entertainment. The best one I saw was Fracture. Anthony Hopkins is despicable and Ryan Gosling is cu-uute in a very young, very moral man way.

The deal on the house will close next week, thanks entirely to Bank of America. I went Wednesday to sign the papers for the loan drawn by unethical lying cheaters from American Home Mortgage, and those unethical cheaters tried to cheat me by sticking some private mortgage insurance in the deal to the tune of more than 7% of the monthly payment. I pointed out the fact that the truth-in-lending disclosure they were asking me to sign didn't match the truth-in-lending disclosure that I was mailed two weeks ago, and do you know what the cheating, unethical mortgage broker told me? That I should just go ahead and sign the papers and we'll work it out tomorrow.

Which I seriously considered.

Seriously. Considered. Because it's really scary buying a house and the unethical mortgage broker told me that if I didn't sign today we wouldn't have time to record the transaction and I would fall out of contract and possibly lose the house.

(Which is not true.)

I finally came to the conclusion that I would take the chance of losing the house, that there wasn't a chance in hell that I was going to sign for some loan that I didn't agree with. I walked out of the title company and went straight to Bank of America, where I have several accounts and I know one of their "personal bankers." Do you know that they have moved heaven and earth in order to get a deal together for me in a few days? It looks like the house is going to close on time. And it's a fair deal.

All of this pressure on the mortgage industry is proving some people to be unethical, lying cheaters. If you know anyone buying a house right now, I suggest you warn them to be ready to walk out on a deal before signing something you didn't agree to. Take it from Ponygirl, who has become quite the businesswoman lately.

Meditation on Faith and Religion

2007-05-09T06:56:00.000-07:00

Simple statement. I believe the four noble truths are true:

Life is suffering.
The origin of suffering is craving.
It is possible to end suffering.
The way to end suffering is through the eight-fold path, which is about living within the right view, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration.

I believe these truths and yet I am suffering this week as work sucks every bit of energy from me and I find myself lonely despite having friends and family not only calling to support me, but spending time with me in the evenings and on the weekends.

My sense that I am suffering points me to going back to the Zen Center, and soon! I haven't been to the Zen discussion group since I met Patrick and started extending my weekends in Tahoe into Monday. Now that I'm home again on Monday nights I just haven't resumed the habit of walking to Haight and Laguna for a reminder of what is important to me. I think Saturday morning will find me sitting zazen at the Zen Center.

Faith is elusive to many and yet I'm pretty sure I have always had it in one form or another. I think it's faith that has sustained me through every setback in life, and there have been many. It's religion that I have found and lost and found again.

I used to think of my faith in Catholic terms, but the stories of the bible did not offer the insight that I craved, the self-righteousness of Christian leaders turned me off, the exclusivity of heaven and hell seemed like something greedy people devised, and the misogyny inherent in bible stories all led to my rejection of Christian faith.

I stopped supporting Christian ideals in my 20's and eventually questioned whether there is a god at all. It was a slow emergency, a crisis of faith that played out over ten years.

My usual habit of saying prayers at night became troublesome. The guilt I felt at rejecting Christianity threatened my personal relationship with a higher power. I couldn't separate God from Jesus, Mary, and Judas. Though I had been taught to pray as a child, in my 20's I stopped. It meant I no longer reflected with intent on what was in my mind and heart. I did not take time out to consciously practice compassion for myself and others through prayer.

I spent years in a state of confusion about spirituality. I was taught that there is a black-and-white choice between Christianity and -- well, hell. Given that absolute choice, at the time I was choosing hell because I rejected Christianity. I was trying to rationalize that choice in my mind and I began to entirely reject God.

Meanwhile, I believed I invented my own religion and I called it the Church of Kindness. Or the Church of Nature. I found energy in a daily appreciation of the beauty of acts of kindness, those I performed or observed. I was always conscious of the beauty of nature: the shape or the fragrance of a tree, the song or quick movements of a bird, the color of a flower, the sense of a breeze or cool water.

These observations touched that spirituality inside me and brought me joy over the beauty, the intricacy, the rightness of life. But I can't say that faith sustained me.

I love the saying from AA that I had a god-sized hole in my heart, because for me it's true. I think losing my religion was a damn shame. It could have gone another way, one where I studied and found the insight that I know exists in the bible, where I found a community of Christians who acknowledged hypocrisy and self-righteousness, where I transcended the words of the parables that slander women. Nah, probably not. For me, Catholicism and Christianity was too tied up in the shame of my youth, and I believe I wanted to find my own way.

My interest in Eastern religions began when I was 23 or 24 but it was only ten years later that I began to learn the tolerance, the tenets of Buddhism. All beings are connected by energy...this I knew because it was also one of my tenets of the Church of Kindness and the Church of Nature. When I learned about the four noble truths and the eight-fold path I rejoiced in a way of living and a way of believing that brought me insight, compassion, and understanding. Hypocrisy and self-righteousness are still dangers but I understand them more from a place of compassion and imperfect-ness so they lose their power.

While my spiritual practice is all but unrecognizable to Buddhists, it is a practice that sustains me. For that I am very grateful. I have no ill feelings toward Christianity. I just chose another path, one that works for me. Sort of like the choice between a Chevy and a Ford. Hard to say whether one's better than the other but whatever works.

I just took forty-five minutes to write this despite so many unfinished tasks for work and PEOPLE! I feel so much better about starting my day. It is good to stop and remember that the way out of suffering is meditation. I love the way life works. I absolutely love it.

2007-05-07T16:06:00.000-07:00

I'm back and I'm here to talk about my hair. After sticking with the same stylist for more than five (yawn) years, I got sick of limp locks, having had half of my hair razored off in one session or another. I decided I needed to break up with David the stylist. We didn't even have anything to talk about any more when I came to visit him.

So I started slutting around with different stylists, always preferring a male stylist since that one time in Little Five Points, Atlanta, when I let a butch lesbian cut my hair and I ended up with a shlong (a short-long, simply another word for a mullet). Since then, no women have won my heart enough for me to want them to cut my hair on a regular basis.

Until I met Susan.

From the first session, I loved my hair. I told her I needed something a little more edgy but I have to factor in the whole multinational corporation breeding expectations of conservatism. Not an easy task. Corporate on the outside, funky on the inside.

She nailed it.

I've been going to see her for over a year and my hair has grown about ten inches. She keeps asking me if we are still growing it and I keep saying Yes, if it will keep growing and not look bad. Last time I went she said we can keep growing it another six inches until it's even with my nipples. She calls it titty hair.

The only titty hair I have ever had is that embarrassing long outgrowth around the nipples which I pluck when I realize it has grown to about three-quarters of an inch. I'm beyond excited at the idea of growing such long hair that it dusts my nipples. Oh the glee. It should only take another year.

2007-04-29T15:45:00.000-07:00

Long sigh. I'm supposed to be working, but it's Sunday afternoon and I don't want to work. I just have crushing anxiety about going to work tomorrow, so working now might help all that, but no amount of soul-crushing worry seems to be enough to make me address my responsibilities right now.

I am going to go for a run along the Embarcadero, and that might help. I am also going to eat a burrito.

Couple of happy things to catch up on -- vegetarianism and a new manfriend. I have outgrown the term boyfriend. I am nearly 40.

The vegetarianism has come from reading about and then acting upon the 7-day Detox Diet in The Purification Plan. The book offers seven days of directions on how to cleanse naturally, and the recipes inside are fantastic. Don't trust the grocery list, though, because it will have you buying things you don't need and not buying things you do need. Having said that, I think the week of eating nothing but vegetables has changed me for life. I wouldn't have believed it possible, but I now look forward to eating a heaping plate of vegetables, and the thought of a chicken sandwich with bacon and ranch dressing may still sound good but I don't think I could actually take a bite of it. Today marks two weeks of mostly vegetarianism (I ate a shrimp on Friday night) and I've not only lost nine pounds, I'm feeling great. I have even kicked caffeine more or less.

And the new manfriend. I had a date with Michael after work on Friday and he just left (Sunday afternoon). We met a month ago and had gone out four or five times before this weekend of sin and enjoyment. How to describe him? Ummm, open, artistic, worldy, softspoken, great sense of humor, fit, confident, sexy, thoughtful, all kinds of good. So I like hanging around with him. I get the feeling there's not a lot of drama in his life, and we seem to be on the same level. I get the feeling there's not a lot of judging going on with either of us. I just like what I see and I know he likes me too. I also feel safe being completely open and honest with him. I like the fact that he's a public transportation kind of guy, a surfer, with a masters degree and a plan to get an MFA this fall at the College of the Arts in creative writing. He reminds me of a young Michael Stipe but I just google-imaged Michael Stipe and Michael doesn't look that much like him but he has the curly hair, the pouty lips, and the dance moves. He also loves my cooking and pulls more than his own weight in the kitchen. So yeah, hurrah for internet dating. Date #1 is a keeper.

Currently Clueless About Tagging

2007-04-11T17:46:00.000-07:00

I really want to know how to tag my posts with categories. Can anyone point me in the right direction?

Muse: Invincible

2007-04-10T09:25:00.000-07:00

Went to see Muse last night and I am in love with their music. These guys rocked the Radiohead type of moaning song, the pure pop of Duran Duran, Kiss-inspired heavy metal, and punk rock a la the Clash. All of that at the hands of a multi-talented singer-guitarist-pianist-dancer guy Matthew Bellamy. I loved his Willie Wonka-in-white outfit complete with a fringey scarf and some bling near his waist and on his shoes. He really had it going on.

Were there other guys in the band? Yeah, there was a hard-working bassist and an imaginative drummer, also a keyboard player from time to time. But Bellamy was the show. I pulled out my signature dance moves from the 80's and got down for the entire ~2 hour concert.

Muse. Go see them.

2007-04-08T21:04:00.000-07:00

I just want to give Mimi Smartypants a shout for being so damn funny. Nose candy doesn't mean the same thing to a four-year-old.

chicka bowm bowm

2007-04-08T19:48:00.000-07:00

Hannes the Estonian, no. Hello Michael.

Oh yummy. I had a fun date #2 yesterday. Ever dated a Pisces? Not me, I never have. But one thing I know about this pisces is that there is a sexual tension that is wow-wow mm -- ok tension is not even describing it. My actual words were "I want to take things slow, spend time getting to know each other and talking," but the thought that kept going through my head is "I am going to fuck you so well." I am pretty sure my body was saying the same thing.

Sorry! TMI. But yeah, he's a cutie. And we made out to Elliott Smith after watching Parker Posey in "The OH in Ohio." Guess what the Oh in Ohio is ... did you guess the big "O"? Well, that's what it is. This movie, unbeknownst to me, is about Parker achieving an orgasm despite her history of sexual dysfunction (which according to the movie afflicts 30 million women, assumedly in the US). It's kind of funny that I invited Michael back to my place and opened up my room mate's NetFlix and that was the movie. Seriously, no idea.

She gets it on with Danny Devito, and sticks with him because he gives her the big O. (I'm not buying that, personally. He had a hella hairy back.)

If I'm not buying Danny DeV, what am I buying? -- Fiber One bars. With 140 calories and 9 grams of dietary fiber (35% DV), and delicious oats and nuts, the Fiber One bars are making me happy.

I can't believe I've gone on and on about my (not really happening yet) sex life when the big news is that I got that house. $333K. Numerology went into that proposal, let me tell you. I'm going to have some work to do. I've been doubling up on my diet of HGTV "fix this house" programming. I'm pretty excited, glad to have the opportuntiy to do another fixer upper. Who knows if I'll make any money on the effort but right now I feel very, very rich.

Moo! Manchanima! Sa-weet!

Oh man, I can't believe I didn't mention it first! I got the house at $333K. Looks like I'd better get my Martha on.

2007-04-06T09:33:00.000-07:00

After a lot of hemming and hawing (what the hell does that mean, really?), I submitted a counter offer on the house of $333K. It's a pretty low offer but it's fair. We'll see what the sellers do from here.

Patrick and I talked yesterday for the first time in a month and he made me angry. He was crying on the phone because he misses me and I don't know what the hell to do with that. He just wanted me to talk to him. If I'm such a good girlfriend, why did he break up with me exactly? I told him I couldn't help him with his pain. Was that mean?

Pony-what?

2007-04-05T18:47:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention that Andrew came to visit! We talked about my blog and he asked me where ponygirl came from (it's a play on Ponyboy Curtis from S.E.Hinton's book The Outsiders). Andrew kindly informed me that "ponygirl" has another meaning. I had no idea.

Another Gigantic Project...Perhaps

2007-04-05T18:05:00.000-07:00

Most of the time these days I don't feel like writing anything in this journal thing. Today is no exception, but as I've said before I owe it to my fans. ha

So today here are five things I'm thankful for:

as a surprise, my roommate hid twenty-four easter eggs around the apartment for me to find, and then he left for Pasadena. I could only find sixteen so this weekend I'll be looking for the remaining eight.
I got a parking spot right in front of my apt. and I don't have to move until Tuesday
I got an unexpected 5% raise today as well as thirty full minutes of praise for my phenomenal work on the job. heh heh.
I realized the new scale in the bathroom says I weigh four pounds more than the old scale does so I'm not as fat as I thought (don't try to follow my logic)
I hucked two bags of clothes down to the dry cleaner this morning so come Monday I'll have a whole new wardrobe

This weekend I plan to stay in SF versus going to Tahoe. I think this is maybe the third weekend of this entire ski season that I haven't driven over there. The snow is all but gone and I'm not up for the drive.

So the deal on buying another house -- I have a contract on another fixer upper over there and it's my turn to counter-offer. I'm in a quandary about whether to really go for it or not. I'm negotiating for around 85% of the original asking price of $399K which is great, but the question is this: do I really want the responsibility of fixing up another house? I think I do, but I need to know that I do. I've got the end-of-ski-season Tahoe fatigue that hits me every year, and that's making me question whether I can handle being tied to another big project. Guess I'll have to decide by tomorrow. I keep looking for signs around me and the big one today is that Patrick called and warned and warned and warned me not to do it. Which makes me want to do it. He reminds me of my dad in that respect, telling me I'm making a mistake. Had I listened to my dad all these years I wouldn't have done most of the top ten things I've gotten the most enjoyment from in my life. No disrespect to Merle, but sometimes you gotta say WTF. Here's the new Tahoe house...I'll let you know if I buy it.

Return of Ponygirl

2007-03-23T17:01:00.000-07:00

About a month and a half has gone by since my last post and I can see now that I don't post in this journal thing when I'm feeling particularly happy or particularly sad. It's easier to write when there isn't a whole lot going on.

In the last six weeks I've been up and down: happily the ups have been great and the downs haven't been all that bad. I am lucky not to have the roller coaster of emotions that I've known my whole life. I'm much healthier, mentally, and I credit the John Bradshaw family systems group that I attend.

Not surprisingly, the ups and downs have been related to my relationship with Patrick. He suddenly broke up with me a month ago. After declaring how much he loves me, he said we are just too different and it will never work out.

I'll save the entire long story, which involved a couple of reconciliations and subsequent breakups, lots of sex, some tears on both sides, the return of personal belongings, some furtive phone calls and text messages, and lately nothing. Big sigh. Patrick is a great guy but apparently I'm too much woman for him.

You know what? I'm constantly doing something ... I'm not much of a couch potato and I am spontaneous as hell. I work a lot, and my career is important to me. I've got a pretty solid group of friends who are as spontaneous as I am and I spend time with them. I travel between San Francisco and Lake Tahoe on an almost weekly basis, and while I made time for him I wasn't always available to him.

I believe Patrick's issue comes from the fact that I'm out here moving and shaking and he's not doing much of that. He's a fascinating person, fun-loving, intellectual, humble, strong and healthy, spiritual. But he doesn't seem to appreciate the power I have in terms of earnings, friends and sociability, and mobility. He definitely doesn't appreciate my approach to religion. I think being six years older than him was also part of his hesitancy.

He seems to want a traditional relationship and I can't give him that. I'm always going to make more money than him. I'll always be jumping from one project to the next. I'll always be older than him. In other words, I'll always BE ME.

So the relationship has to end. And I feel pretty fine about it. I believed in our relationship, and I thought that we could both adapt to each others' strengths and weaknesses. Patrick's not perfect for me either. There are lots of things -- little things but a few big things -- that don't align with my "perfect man" idea but I found so much to appreciate in Patrick that I felt we could make it. He didn't. He bailed on the relationship. I just have to accept it, and I have. It's been a few weeks and I'm proud to say I am not obsessed. That feels great.

You know what else feels great? I met a couple of guys last weekend at the bar at Heavenly and one of them invited me to play beach volleyball on Muir Beach last night. I had a blast (and it was a great workout). His friends are extremely cool. His name's Hannes, he's from Estonia, he's got tattoos covering both arms and one leg (?), those earrings that make your earlobes into saucers, and it looks like he may be my rebound guy. Not age appropriate, but I'm not in a place to actually try again. At a time when I'm feeling rejected and maybe a little too old, here's a sign that "the old girl's still got it." That's right, I'm 39 and I'm hot.

Oh, and did I mention I'm thinking about buying another house this weekend?

Monday

2007-02-12T13:48:00.000-08:00

Just a list of the things I want to say today:

I got a new roommate. My friend Eric moved in on Friday night. This will thankfully add more than $1K to my monthly budget, and when you balance that with the fact that I truly love Eric, I clearly come out way ahead.
I had some new storage shelves built in my laundry room and it's as if I suddenly have plenty of room to hoard pointless material things. Not that I will, but I can.
Andrew is coming to visit in one month.
I may be buying another house in Tahoe as an investment together with my friend Nicole.
I am taking my niece Renee and our family friend Erin to Tahoe this weekend. They are both 16. I've been taking Renee snowboarding since she was 11 and we always have a fun (but challenging) time together. This tradition has been the one thing that keeps us close since Renee lives in Phoenix. It's wonderful watching her grow up. I'm really proud of her. However, I am also watching for signs that the neglect she suffered for years under drug-addicted parents have affected her self-esteem.
I was one of 3 chaperones for my niece Erika's 13th birthday slumber party at a local hotel on Saturday night. It was grueling. My one chaperone moment was when I heard one girl say: I weigh too god-damn much. I said "you need to watch your language, young lady." She said "Oh." Aren't I tough? Oh yeah, I also prank-called the girls, told them I was hotel security and that they were being too loud...totally fooled them...they were pretty well-behaved overall.
Yesterday I cooked some healthy food so that I would have it to eat all week. I'm totally eating vegetables these days: broccoli, snow peas, asparagus, red peppers, carrots, and onions all went into the three recipes I made.
I want to make note of the fact that there is a number 8 but I can't talk about it yet. Too fresh.

INDIA?

2007-01-31T13:23:00.000-08:00

Right now I'm discussing an opportunity to take a rotational assignment in Bangalore, India, for three months to support our most senior executive.

It would mean getting on a plane in about two weeks.

Working 12-15 hours a day, seven days a week.

Living in a hotel or corporate apartment for three months.

Trying to survive in India, which I tried before. I can't muster much enthusiasm, except that the experience will be much different with a per diem and expense account.

Missing the rest of ski season.

But the number one thing it would mean is leaving not only family and friends, but Patrick. My boss says take him with me. And you know what? It's possible. He says it sounds interesting, and his job is so amazingly flexible that he would be able to get away. Crazy....

I haven't been officially offered the position and there are a lot of unknowns, but one thing is certain and that is we need someone experienced in Bangalore, who knows the company and the way we work, right away. Finding someone like that who will agree to be away from home for three months must be next to impossible. But I think I would enjoy it. It would be very good for my career.

It also sounds romantic. But complicated. I'll know more on Tuesday.

Progress

2007-01-29T21:06:00.000-08:00

Another Monday. Today began with a flame email to me with a copy to everyone up and down the chain of command. That set off a flurry of phone calls and ass-kissing in between my seventeen meetings today because someone felt like her authority was being questioned and decided to try to take me down a peg over email instead of doing the normal thing and, you know, CALLING ME!

Yeah, I was yelling there. Mainly because I don't think I'm guilty of what I was accused and because I could actually see this situation brewing on Friday but I made a mistake by letting it ride over the weekend. I should have called the woman before it turned into a problem.

I'm actually pretty good at managing relationships at work. I can sense what people need and I can usually anticipate problems. I'm also genuinely interested in having fun and people respond to that. I don't let people get me down, and when they do (see above) I can keep things in perspective. It's extremely rare for me to feel like things are out of control.

When you compare my romantic relationships to my work relationships, things aren't as good. In romantic relationships I am usually trying to sense what my guy needs and anticipate problems but for some reason, I rarely get it right. I am constantly surprised by problems. Lots of things get me down. I have trouble getting the big picture, and I often feel like things are out of control.

I believe it's because business meetings always end with a summary of the proceedings and a discussion of next steps. It's also because people don't act flipping crazy in a business setting since word gets around pretty fast that so-and-so is volatile or lazy or vindictive or whatever. And most of all, no matter what's happening / good or bad / people stay in there and try to fix problems and try to successfully get to the end of a project.

I like business. There are rules that we all generally understand and follow.

The rules are different in every romantic relationship. We rarely summarize our dates for each other, we don't always agree to next steps, sometimes people act flipping crazy, and one person or the other can call it off at any time. With this complete lack of structure, how do we ever get it right?

Patrick's distant behavior came to an end last Tuesday morning at 8:40 when he called in response to a series of phone messages I left Monday night, each increasingly expressing more worry and distress.* Truthfully I didn't know whether he was alive or dead after skiing on Sunday, and while I honestly thought he was simply avoiding me, both outcomes had me worried and distressed.

*I read somewhere that university researchers conducted a test involving the silent treatment: what they found is that a person with low self-esteem tends to react passively to rejection, while the person with a high self esteem is like a boxer coming out of his corner ready to take on a fight to convince the rejecter that they shouldn't be ignored.

He apologized for worrying me, but then he explained why he had been distant. He said that he gets the feeling I don't always tell him the "full story," that I'm often holding something back. He said he feels like I might be keeping him in the dark about some things, and describing other things with a possible spin. He said he thought maybe I could do with being kept in the dark for a little while myself, hence his distance.

With my new relationship conversation skills honed in Tuesday group nights, here's what I had to say:

I asked him for an example that makes him believe I'm not telling him the whole story and dammit! he had one. I explained what was going on in my mind when I stopped and kept something to myself. It had to do with death and dying, and I was going to say what would probably kill me, but I stopped myself because my mother died from cancer when she was only 53. I was afraid Patrick would think I had weak genes. True story. In hindsight I should have told him what I was afraid of.
I am always honest with him. I will always be honest.
I'm still getting to know him and I don't always want to reveal everything to him, but I'll be more and more open over time. I pointed out he doesn't tell me everything (I gave examples).
The "tit for tat" approach is not a good one and talking about things is the only way to go. His silence hurt me and also made me angry. Silence won't work for me in our relationship. My dad gave me the silent treatment for nearly three years.
I would like him to ask me questions if and when he feels like I'm holding back. And he can call me on it if he feels like I'm spinning something. I promised not to be offended.

The main thing to know is that in all the time we were talking I didn't stutter or cry at all. I also didn't attack him. This is good progress. I feel safe talking to Patrick. We worked through the problem and both of us said we were sorry and everything was OK again, back on solid ground. Amazing progress. Normally I would be writing about how we broke up, boo hoo.

And you know what? Once we worked everything out, our phone calls fell back into that honeymoon stage of "can't wait to see you." We had a fantastic weekend together. I really love him. He loves me too. How cool is that?

2007-01-22T10:41:00.000-08:00

Ugh! Mondays are hard. I haven't had to wake up with an alarm for ten days and this morning I got jarred back into life in the city at 6am. Much too early. I'm wearing my uncomfortable grown-up clothes (including some adorable new black high-heel mary janes that make things slightly better...cashmere sweater doesn't hurt either...in fact, what am I complaining about? Besides the scowl on my face, I look pretty cute!).

My schedule is crammed with meetings which started at 8:30 and go straight through to 5. Tomorrow begins a 3-day meeting that I am dreading (I'm too busy to sit still for a total of 24 hours and eat calorie-laden food).

I just want to complain about Patrick for a minute too. After I wrote that rosy-glow post on Thursday he dropped off the face of the earth. We connected briefly on the phone yesterday and made plans to get together late in the afternoon but he didn't call. I feel like I got stood up. I am happy to give him all the space he needs. All I expect is a phone call letting me know what's going on. I am not happy about that this morning.

This week is not getting off to a good start and it's busy busy busy. Grrrrrr!

Let's Catch Up, Huh?

2007-01-19T15:56:00.000-08:00

Uh oh, it's another Friday that finds me looking for anything -- anything -- to do besides working. So let's see, what kind of story can I tell?

How about more on Patrick? Yes! Last night we were at his house hanging out. That's rare. We are usually at my house because it's more comfortable but Patrick has a cold and it would have been cruel to do anything other than bring him some delicious vegetarian Thai food and snuggle with him on his own couch.

First, did you notice I said vegetarian food?

If you know me at all you would scoff at the thought of me combining the word "delicious" with the words "vegetarian food" but Patrick only eats organic range-fed meat or vegetarian food. You can't get the organic from a take-out place so we eat vegetarian unless I cook something and I'm really OK with that. I'm pretty sure I'm losing weight again. I've been running during the day.

Did I mention the fact that I have been in Lake Tahoe for almost two weeks now?

Second, Patrick has a solar oven. So sexy.

I found that out last night when he left me with reading material while he took a shower. For my reading pleasure he brought me a solar oven newspaper thingy, a copy of Love Shadows: An Intimate Interlude with the Holy Ghost (a novel that an author friend of his at church gave him), and some literature about the heart-breaking defeat of the Modoc Indian Tribe at Tule Lake.

Tule...too-lee...isn't that a pretty name for a baby? Patrick explained that tule grass grows in marshes all over California and that tule fog, low-lying fog in the central valley, is named for it. I like the way it sounds but it's not terribly pretty or inspirational given that its name means a marshland grass and fog that causes auto accidents. I just love that Patrick teaches me things about nature. He can look at the sky and tell what time it is within 5 minutes (it's true, we play that game all the time). He looks at the mountains and points out things about the tree line, the slope, the camber, the reason there are forests and bald spots. He reads the atlas in his spare time.

Patrick is planning a trip to Lava Beds National Monument and he is taking his solar oven along (he is going to make chili as his first dish) and among his other gear is a propane heater for his tent. He has a checklist he is methodically following to make sure his truck is properly maintained so there will be no surprises. He has been reading about the history of the area and making incredibly neat handwritten notes about things to see while he's there. I love this man.

But back to the novel. And church. I think the second time we went out, maybe the third time, Patrick was on the phone with me planning where we would go and he asked if I would go to church with him and I said no thanks. We went out for breakfast and when we were finished we got in his truck and it was literally 4 minutes before 11 (when church was due to start). Rather than make him late for church by having him drive me home, I said I would go to church with him.

It wasn't too bad. It was actually kind of nice, even if people raised their hands and waved to Jesus during the last hymn. They did a slide show and the high school kids rocked the hymns with a full band. Patrick introduced me to his friend Penny and her husband after church and they were nice people.

But since then Patrick and I have had a talk about religion and he's not happy about the fact that I'm not Christian. He said something like "I have always thought the woman I would end up with would have the same faith I do." Oh dear.

But once again, back to the novel. The synopsis on the back refers to the way one man convinces a non-believing woman to "join him in an unbelievable God-ordered destiny." Patrick hasn't read this book [yet? I don't know if he plans to read it] and I didn't ask him whether he was trying to give a subtle hint about my heathen soul. Thanks to an earlier post you know my views about religion and that I'm not opposed to attending church with him, but I can't cop to the Jesus-loving, Satan-fearing, Christian party line.

Changing topics. This just in -- I have just had a lovely long chat with Fergus who is as wonderful as ever and I'm so blessed that he stays in touch. He says he is coming to visit from England in November. I'm sceptical because he's been saying he's coming to visit for at least three years but maybe 2007 will be his year. Has it really been twelve years since I met Fergus? And how much did I love him? I still have his picture on my bureau in SF. I still love Fergus and likely always will but we've simply become such good friends. What a wonderful person.

And now, for the start of another phenomenal weekend...

2007-01-08T12:49:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm back. And I'm feeling pretty good again.

I've been a little unfair to the blogosphere by delaying a new post until now considering I've been feeling pretty good for at least 10 days. But life hasn't been "back to normal" until today, January 8th, the first full week back at work. Getting back to normal feels pretty good.

I have suffered from depression for most of my life, and I've been treated for it since I was 24. The first time I sought treatment I was dealing with a painful break-up when I was arrested for DUI. I reached a point where I didn't know how to shake off the feelings of shame and sadness that were literally incapacitating me and it scared me.

I found a counselor somehow and I visited her through the back door of her stately Atlanta home. The waiting room outside her office had a wing-back chair covered in little lilacs next to the window and sitting in it made me think of wonderful places I had read about in books when I was young. She was middle aged, Catholic, quite pretty, and strong. She reminded me so much of my mother, and she explained depression to me. She talked about how I had become overwhelmed by sadness.

She connected my feelings of loss for my relationship with great unexpressed grief over my mother's death. She connected the shame I felt for my behavior with the shame I feel for my family's misdeeds.

She helped me find a positive way to talk to myself about who I had become, and she helped me see how I had created a new family for myself with the friends I had -- people who were respectable role models for me. I honestly think she is the first person who ever suggested that my graduating from college was a real personal accomplishment. She helped me regain pride in myself.

There have been other episodes of depression that have led me to find a counselor, and every counselor seizes on the same themes of sadness and shame about my family. It's rather reassuring, knowing that I can be consistently diagnosed, and it's also kind of neat that they have all recommended roughly the same thing: change my inner dialogue, learn to put good boundaries in place, manage the anxiety. Easier said than done.

It's been fifteen years since I met my first counselor. I've come a long way toward understanding myself and giving myself a break for not being perfect. But goddamn, I still hurt when shame and sadness pack a one-two punch and knock me out for a week or two. I'm so tired of these depressions that I hesitate to tell friends when I have the blues any more. Aren't they tired of hearing about my latest failed relationship and my drug addict brothers who have hit me up for money and a ride home from jail? I'm tired of telling them.

Those things are sad, and I really want to change my story. I want to tell a story about my wonderful partner, my impish children, and the celebrations we plan for the holidays. Thinking about what I don't have makes me really. fucking. sad.

So isn't the antidote obvious? Don't dwell on that sad stuff. Change the inner dialogue to focus on what's right and good in my life, things I can take pride in knowing and doing. Live in the moment. Help someone less fortunate. Believe.

I rang in 2007 with great anticipation This will be a year of truth, honesty, patience, and consideration. These are the values I will be trying to cultivate and grow. These are the questions I will ask:

Am I being honest with myself? with my friends and family? I want to be able to recognize my feelings, especially my fears.

Could I be more patient in this situation? [without taking an Ativan?]

Finally, am I being considerate? Lately I have come to realize how many ways I tell myself that it's ok to be selfish. It's time to swing the pendulum back.

So the first week of 2007 is complete and so far, so good. My apartment is spotless and I have groceries. All I need are some fresh flowers and I'm good for a while. I guess I'll keep writing in this journal and look back on this depression to see how much time passes until the next one. I'll read this post and maybe it'll snap me out of it a little bit faster. We'll see.

2006-12-23T17:20:00.000-08:00

Let's let this blog follow me into depression, shall we? It has been coming on for two weeks and right now I feel like I am in the middle of it.

It would be nice if we knew whether ex-boyfriend Keith was a chicken or an egg but I think there was birthday-related depression swirling near me and sleeping with him scooted me over the edge and into the vortex. There was also a fear (irrational?) that a relationship with Patrick can't work out because I don't always like the way he smells.

Work being what it is -- demanding, unrelenting, and with rewards that come intermittently -- sucked me further in. Work has not been much fun since mid-November.

I stopped socializing, stopped listening to voice mail, stopped opening my mail at home, stopped putting dirty dishes into the dishwasher, stopped writing in this diary, stopped showering and wearing clean clothes. This went on for a week.

Then my period arrived! The day before I was going back to Tahoe for the weekend. I believe as I have gotten older my period has begun to coincide with serious anxiety, deep frustration, a short temper, and a desire to hide somewhere. Sprinkle in some existential questions of whether I should have ever been born. Add some fear of dying alone, and now the swirling vortex is really got a hold on me.

Which leads to the acting out. Telling Patrick on Sunday that things are going too fast and let's slow down. For him this came from nowhere. The moment I found myself in this conversation I wanted to back up and not say what I said. I really enjoy spending time with him. My fears are just my fears.

Then not talking to him for two days. I didn't call him and I really started freaking out that the relationship would end. Fini.

Cue the not sleeping. Add the poor diet. And the lack of concentration at work. And the not talking to friends and family.

Talking to Patrick helped and it's not over but...I'm all jumpy and I could cry at any moment. Taking a walk consumes all the energy I have. I'm seven pounds overweight.

Something disturbs my sleep in the middle of the night so I stay in bed until 1:30 today. I haven't been grocery shopping in two weeks and I have nothing to eat. Patrick doesn't call to make plans for tonight and I convince myself that I'm being stood up. I do not call him to find out what's up. I just watch TV all day, hungry, without showering, without talking to anyone.

This is depression.

Here's how to overcome depression:

Clean. Sweep everthing, dust, spray and wipe every surface, especially the bathroom. Wash the windows if you can.
Do all the laundry and put it all away.
Pay bills.
Buy groceries and fresh flowers.
Exercise.
Call every friend in town and make plans, even if they are two weeks away.
Get the car washed.
Make a list of personal and work things that need to be done and put them into your calendar.
Shower every day, first thing in the morning. Wear clean clothes and makeup.
Leave the house at least a couple of times each day.

If these things are done, the depression will lift within two weeks and life will seem OK again. Sometimes you can't find the energy to do those things. Sometimes you can't do them all and you end up buying a bottle of wine every night and sitting on your couch. You see your voice message count rise to double digits. People start calling you to ask why you haven't returned their 3 phone calls. You start spending twelve hours a day in front of your laptop and you don't get anything done at all. You stop brushing your teeth. You drink coffee and eat junk food and your face breaks out. This can go on for a long time. Hopefully it won't. I did a lot of laundry today. :)

Patrick's on his way to the Bay Area and we are going to the circus tonight. I'm jumpy and freaky and I am afraid I will say something wrong while I'm with him. I really hope this all works out OK. At least I have a little Christmas present for him. I think that will be nice.

Sucks

2006-12-23T05:17:00.000-08:00

Whatever woke me up at 3am sucks. And the fact that I haven't got back to sleep and it's 5:20am sucks. AND the fact that I feel angst about Patrick coming (actually the angst is over fear that he is not coming) to town tonight to go out with me really sucks.

I hope I can fall asleep before the sun comes up and sleep in today. That would be better.

Because I Owe It To My Fans

2006-12-22T11:32:00.000-08:00

Let's call this an obligatory blog post.

I haven't posted for the past week because I have had nothing to say. Nothing funny has happened to me. I haven't had any epiphanic moments. I got my hair cut (cute!) and had a belated b-day dinner with Don and Dianna and family and friends, but BLAH pretty much sums it up.

Here's the iDog I got for Nicole (age 9) for Christmas:

You plug your ipod into it to play music through its speaker. It also plays a light show and moves its ears and maybe its legs. I think it is IDEAL for a 9 year old girl.

That's all I've got. Perhaps the creativity will return in the new year. Perhaps I will sit and write my goals for the year on New Years Day according to old traditions.

What's the Big Deal about Religion?

2006-12-11T17:33:00.000-08:00

Today both Fussy and Brainhell have posts about God or god and all of that ruminating got me to thinking about my own point of view. I am not aligned with Ms. Kennedy or Brainhell since one seems quite athiestic and the other scientifically mystic. Othejoys believes in the Church of the Zoo and that's getting closer. But me?

I went to church every Sunday as a child, to choir practice on Tuesdays, catechism on Wednesdays, and often volunteered at the church taco hut on Saturdays with my Irish Catholic mother. My mom, president of the Altar and Rosary Society, laundered the holy vestments used in daily mass. I learned to iron by pressing pure white handkerchiefs with cardinal red embroidered crosses.

I can remember feeling the power of the holy spirit a number of times during mass, mostly on the holidays when the rituals of the Catholic church lent a certain majesty to the proceedings.

As a child those experiences seemed transformational since I believed that obeying the laws of the church gave me first-class reservations for heaven. I fretted over babies who died before being baptized because the laws condemned them to Purgatory. I wondered what would happen to Mom's Jewish friends when Jesus came again.

I tried to obey the laws of the church to the letter. I made up sins to confess to the priest in case I had forgotten something terrible I had done. I worried we could all go to hell if Jesus came on a Tuesday, three days before Friday confession, and we accidentally had mortal sins on our souls.

By the time I was seventeen I still believed in God and Jesus but the Catholic church had lost its appeal. The priest's answers to my legitimate questions in catechism were dismissive and dogmatic. My sense of the priest's and the church leaders' point of view was that this is a club where there are rules to follow, and hell to pay if you don't obey. I had had several negative experiences where I perceived a certain hypocrisy in our priest.

So fast forward twenty years. I still believe in God but I'm more interested in having a conversation about principles than in consulting a book that offers rules. I believe in kindness, especially kindness toward oneself. I don't like the idea of threatening hell for nonconformists. I believe in demonstrating moral behavior. I believe in making things right when you have done wrong. I believe in self-reflection and compassion. I believe in lifelong learning. I believe there are people in this world who will make the same mistakes time after time, and that they must be forgiven. I believe there are some very evil people in the world.

I don't do the right thing all the time. No one does. Knowing that keeps me from crucifying my friends and family for their transgressions, at least most of the time.

I'm not sorry I grew up in a religious household. Since my mother died when I was 18 there has been no one to chastise me for leaving the church. Maybe it would be different if anyone had encouraged me to feel the Catholic guilt as an adult. But in looking back, I think the benefits of the community aspect of the church were enough to overcome the limits of the religion. I go to the Buddhist temple for a certain feeling of community that doesn't order up a belief in Jesus and Satan.

I believe spirituality is critical to a healthy inner life, and I believe spirituality is personal by nature. I'm glad not to be confused by my spirituality any longer, as I was for years after my mom died. I imagine athiests, agnostics, and the faithful all have a personal sense of sprirituality and it's enough to allow all of us to connect on some level. Be kind. Do the right thing. Live and let live. That's how I feel about religion.

I Don't Like Where This Post Is Headed

2006-12-11T08:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday started with a phone call from Keith, one that lasted an hour and made little or no sense. We had never spoken despite the bout of emails and phone messages in September, and that was by and large OK with me. I was surprised to hear his voice.

He caught me up on his life -- he lost his job a while back and spent the summer in Cabo San Lucas working on his brother's fishing boat. His upstairs neighbor, who drove Keith nuts with constant noise unmuffled by carpets or good manners, died of a heart attack while in spinning class at the gym. The little feral cat in his back yard is still there, and Keith is still feeding her. It seemed like Keith hadn't changed at all.

I spent the rest of my day running errands (because the rain actually stopped for a few hours) and at 4pm I was at home reading my In Touch celebrity gossip magazine when there was a knock at my door. It was Keith, and he wanted me to go to Mad Dog in the Fog for a drink with him. Spontaneity is the spice of life, he said.

So a drink turned into dinner and a few games of pool and we ended up back at my apartment making out all over the place. Last night with Keith marks the first time I have ever cheated on a boyfriend and I can't say why I did that. Some part of me wanted to test whether I could control my feelings for Keith, and this morning I am not at all sorry that he and I are not together. I don't think it will happen again. It's wrong to have one more time for old time's sake when there is someone else in the picture but fuck it that's what I did. And I'm never NEVER telling Patrick.

Dude Where's My Car?

2006-12-11T08:05:00.000-08:00

Party update: It was raining so damn hard when I left for Party #1 that I dropped the charity auction gift for Party #2 in the water on the ground. It was a picture frame and lucky for me the glass didn't break. Nonetheless it was a bad way to begin the odyssey of Saturday night party-going.

I finally made it to Orinda (did I say it was forty minutes away? Strike that, it is one hour and twenty minutes when the rain is pounding away and everyone else in the Bay Area is mid-odyssey in their own party-going).

The whole way there I kept an eye on how much traffic was going the other direction and I decided there was no way in hell I would make it to Party #2 unless I turned around right now.

And that was fine. I was happy being at Mark and Dina's party.

The average age of the partygoers in Orinda was 40 but I put heavy emphasis on the average age because there were about fourteen children under 7 who balanced fourteen senior citizens in sequined-and-bejeweled Christmas finery. There were also around eight or ten people my age (the parents of the under-7 set) and I was the only single person there. But regardless of all that, it was fun.

Old men seem to love to talk to me and I love flirting with them so I had a great time chatting up the country club set. I also sat by the cookie table for quite a while so I got to make friends with a good number of the kids.

It suddenly strikes me that in my 20's my party strategy was to hang out near the keg to meet all the people at the party and nowadays my party strategy is to hang out near the cookie table.

Unfortunately my hostess's 75-year-old father backed into my Subaru as he was leaving so I've got a big dent across both the front and back doors. But you know, I am so infused with the Christmas spirit that I don't even mind. No improper flirtation occurred and I left the party late enough that traffic wasn't an issue on the way back.

PARTY!

2006-12-09T17:17:00.000-08:00

I did not go to Lake Tahoe this weekend because two friends are having Christmas parties and I wanted very much to go. Often I wonder if my regular jaunts to the lake will one day cause me to cut myself off from life in the city, and I don't want that.

The first party begins at 6:30 in Orinda (it's 5:35 now). The second includes a while elephant charity auction and is about 10 blocks from my apartment.

Orinda is a good 40 minute drive from here. I've got about a half hour to shower, dress, buy a couple of nice hostess gifts, gather up my auctionable white elephant objects, and go out in the cold, cold rain. Guess what? I don't want to go. I'm hoping something inspires me soon.

The second party is being given by a woman from work and I like her a lot. However, I always flirt with her boyfriend to a point beyond what propriety recommends. I can't really help it, he's so attractive. I always go to these social things to hang out with her and end up talking to him with great interest and when he says something funny I just laugh and laugh. After her Christmas party last year I wrote a note that said "it's not a good idea to keep inviting me to your parties because I am hot for your boyfriend," but I didn't give it to her. I threw it away and vowed to behave at the next one. Fat chance. Heh heh.

The party in Orinda is being thrown by dear friends who have been trying very hard to conceive but have been unsuccessful. My heart wants them to have a baby. This party will be attended, I'm told, by quite a number of elderly folks who sponsored them for their country club. I do love the thought of being the youngest at a party. Hasn't happened for a while. I had better get busy, yo. It's time to party.

What the Hell is That

2006-12-08T17:37:00.000-08:00

OK, one more blog post and then I'm done for the day. And hang onto your hats people because you probably don't need to know this.

I have a pimple on my fanny.

Not the American version of the fanny. You folks with the English ancestry know what fanny I'm talking about.

I freaked out when I found it yesterday in one of those early-morning-before-I-really-wake-up-scratchy-scratchy moments because quite honestly I've been sharing my private bits quite a lot lately. I am afraid of the HERPES and I always have been, but unless there is someone who's lying, I've only been with one person with the herpes and he was properly sheathed at all times. But that person was ten months ago and there's a chance that all the sheathing in the world can't keep you from it.

So off to the doctor, right?

Wrong. Where do YOU live? Where can you actually get a dr.'s appt. on the same day you need one. Please. I can get an appt. for Wednesday next week and by then this pimple-thingy had better either be gone without a trace or else ... um ... well, it had better just be gone.

I did a google search and I think this thing is called Folliculitis. I'm pretty sure I don't have the herpes, and my doctor is probably pretty sick of me calling for appointments to make absolutely sure.

I did a search on Google for "bump on my labia" and now whenever I start googling with the letters "bu" the phrase "bump on my labia" will appear above "business blogging seminar" until I type something other than an "m" and a "p" and so on. Sometimes I like the Googling features, sometimes not so much. I'm also afraid that somehow the large multinational corporation where I work is compiling a profile of me based on my googling and my emailing. So when that guy who wanted to join my ski cabin and I told him we were pretty fond of the weed wrote back to me on my work email about "not OK with the pot smoking" I got a little bit concerned about my permanent record at work. Strange and paranoid? I think not.

Can you tell I started with the wine more than an hour ago? This entry may soon be deleted.

Mustard: I Make the Rules

2006-12-08T16:44:00.001-08:00

How many times can you leave brown mustard sitting out on the counter unrefrigerated for hours and not throw it away?

The answer? There is no direction to Keep the Mustard Refrigerated, so I guess you can leave it out as long as you like.

Unless it's the brown mustard that lives in my refrigerator, which has a freshness date of Jun 01 2005. I noticed that when I was looking for the refrigerator decree.

2006-12-08T16:44:00.000-08:00

It's 4:44 and I'm having chocolate cake and a glass of wine.

Have I mentioned how working from home has enhanced my life?

Free Bird

2006-12-07T12:34:00.000-08:00

I just took a half an Ativan so that my afternoon at work would be smooth sailing. I felt like any more adversity might make me wear my frustration on the outside, and given the amount of frustration I'm feeling on the inside? Would be a bad scene.

This day is the day Kevin got out of jail, and I went there to see him when he got out. I took him home, fed him, gave him the mail that had arrived. His things included his state ID and some papers from the lawyers we retained for probate of my dad's estate. Kevin filled out the papers, had a little meal and a piece of chocolate cake, picked up a bicycle he had left at my place nearly a year ago, and made some calls.

He was able to secure a bed in a Salvation Army facility in Oakland beginning tomorrow, which means he needs to find a place to spend the night tonight. I drove him and his bicycle back downtown and wished him luck. I hope he makes it.

Ah, and the Ativan? Every now and then I have a little pill. I can't remember the last time I took one but I have a sense that the anxiety I felt all day would just build once I got to Frustrationville, which is work lately. The pill affects me by chilling me out extremely, to the point where I appear as if I didn't get any sleep the night before or I'm quite preoccupied, and I'm slow to react. This is the perfect response (in my opinion) to over-stimulation from anxiety and frustration. Rather than responding in a stressed way to the people who are stressing me out, I can just think things through and respond with equanimity like I normally do.

So we'll see how it goes. Good luck, Kevin. And here's to a short afternoon working!

2006-12-05T09:52:00.000-08:00

It may seem like I abandoned this blog but the truth is that I have actually been working during the 9 to 5 shift. Rather than take 25 minutes to read my favorites each day I've been doing that thing I do for money.

The ski season officially started last weekend. Eric, Nicole, and I went to Kirkwood, skied 3 runs and ended up in the cafe having some greasy fried food and beer from a blasted bartender. Hooray! the season begins.

We stuck around Kirkwood until 6pm when our Full Moon Hike began. Fully suited in our ski gear and some snowshoes, we were guided through wooded paths and across hushed open meadows bathed in moonlight. No flashlights needed. Just the light of the moon.

Two hours later, tired but happy, we headed back to my house for a soak in the hot tub and some delicious Thai soup.

God I love ski season.

Come on in, take what you want

2006-11-27T15:44:00.001-08:00

Oh man, one thing I neglected to mention is that when I went to my brother's house for Thanksgiving I had a ton of things to load up in the car -- food, borrowed items, a huge stack of presents, just call me Aunt Therese. I made several trips to the car and I was ready to go at around 11.

After a great day at my brother's place I arrived home at around 9:30pm to find my front door standing open.

Wide open.

I must have just not locked it when I breezed off to San Jose. In fact, I must not have closed it.

Since it was dark I was kind of afraid to go in but I was on the phone with Andrew* who would send the police if I was attacked, so I went in. Nothing was gone. The place was 100% undisturbed. After ten hours of wide-openness.

This is incredible. I am lucky. And. Yes. I am stupid.

*Andrew lives in this house

somewhere in Barleigh Shore or something that sounds like that in the Gold Coast. I don't remember the name but I can tell you it's probably more than two thousand miles from California and I miss the idea of seeing him quite soon. Here is the room where I will stay when I visit.

and all I can say is which way to the hot hub, Andrew? Want to go to the beach tomorrow? I miss you tons!!

2006-11-27T15:44:00.000-08:00

PARTY! It's m'birthday today. And I'm happy, happy, happy about it. I have long been a believer that every one deserves dinner and sex on his/her birthday and I've got dinner reservations at 6pm. Patrick took care of the other part yesterday (merely a downpayment). So yeay! And thanks everyone for the phone calls and emails. I'm feeling very loved today!!

2006-11-22T23:17:00.000-08:00

In my years of therapy I have learned that when things go off the rails in one area of life, the balance I've struck with other areas helps me weather the ups and downs. It's a bad idea to over-invest in one area of life. I met someone on the phone this morning who talked about "not working to the same level" over the Thanksgiving holiday. Whoa...please seriously try to find some balance, work guy. I'm totally supportive of working hard and achieving your goals, but take a day off.

This weekend I hooked up with Patrick, a Tahoe guy I met some months ago. He invited me to the Divided Sky (the only bar in Meyers) for some band on Friday night and I went. Patrick's very cute, and he's also very fun to spend time with. In fact, I spent the whole weekend with him. So much for taking time to get to know someone before sleeping with them...there is no proof one way or the other that not sleeping with someone is better.

I'm going to Don and Dianna's for the bird tomorrow, and I'm excited. I have big presents for Nicole and Erika...Nicole's birthday was Oct 19 and I haven't seen her since then so the present thing is something to look forward to. I got a nice present for Erika too because I may have gone overboard with presents for Nicole. I love to spoil them and I might as well.

I'm bringing the casserole makings for green bean casserole and a homemade mac and cheese casserole. Must haves for T-giving if you ask me. Happy holidays everyone. Enjoy your families. Enjoy the food. Enjoy the peace of our lives.

Another Battle with the Neighbor

2006-11-17T18:37:00.000-08:00

The neighbor Greg has begun to say hello to me again. This, after months of coordinated blindness when we pretend we don't actually see each other out on the sidewalk. It annoys the crap out of me that he has started to say hello to me in the morning because the last thing he said to me was, "Ponygirl, the last thing I want to do first thing in the morning is talk to you." And here he is talking to me first thing in the morning.

So yesterday morning I was leaving my apt. to get some milk from the corner store and he said hello and I was not in a mood. My brain was still itching from all the sugared sweets and gallons of coffee I had drunk the day before and I probably shouldn't have said anything but:

GREG: Hello Ponygal
ME: ...
GREG: How are you today?
ME: ...
ME: Hey Greg, it's nice that you are saying hello to me now, I guess that's your way of letting me know that you want to get past the whole thing with the shoes.
GREG: Well, actually, I have no intention of moving my shoes.

Let me just point out that I've been living with the shoe thing for over a year and I did not just ask him to move his motherfucking shoes. But whatever.

ME: Yeah, well I just decided to live with that. But this no-talking thing has been going on for a long time, and I wanted to tell you that I was really offended by the way I tried to work this thing out with you but in response you said something that really wasn't helpful to the situation and I felt kind of insulted. But I'm willing to just let it blow over if you are.
GREG: Well I don't think what I said was insulting. I have a lot of other things to do besides deal with problems around here and I was just letting you know that. If you were insulted that's your problem.
ME: Wow, ok. I have a problem with the insulting way you talk to me.

All I can say is that the conversation spiraled into Dante's 7th circle of hell from there. It got to this point:

ME: Well while we are on the subject of problems around the house, let me just tell you that someone upstairs has some seriously squeaky bedsprings. The kind that wake me up in the middle of the night and allow me to time the act.

And then it got to this point:

GREG: I would appreciate it if you would make an appointment with us whenever you have something to talk about.
ME: Nah, I'll just go back to not talking to you.

Office Life

2006-11-16T15:51:00.000-08:00

This week has been devoted to three full days of meetings. Sitting in the same crowded, windowless room packed with people and trays of food. Today my brain itches and aches a little, and I think I need a little mental holiday.

Seriously, why do they deliver food that represents about 10,000 calories per person every day? I can't not eat the meals and the snacks because it's the only reason I have to get up out of my chair during the day.

2006-11-12T22:55:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish I had a digital camera. Not terribly often, but I can tell that this tickling of a wish for one is going to grow. Kind of like the itch to get a cell phone...I resisted for a very long time and when I finally got one I realized I didn't want to live without one.

The camera would have come in handy today so that I could show you the little family of baby mice I uncovered as I rolled out a carpet pad that was their home. I take pride in being quite capable in most situations. I can read a map, change a tire, jump a dead battery, nail things, drill things, change electrical plugs and switches. But mice? Fuck that.

When I unrolled the pad enough to see telltale signs of a mouse (a cache of dog food and some fluffy nest-y stuff and mouse poop, eeeewwwwww), I jumped back, pulled up the cuffs of my jeans (so it didn't run up my legs!), jumped on the couch but then jumped down to open the sliding door to the deck (in case it would maybe just run outside and I could then safely close the door!) and then jumped up on the couch again looking for signs of life from the nest-y part. I thought I could see slight movement but the sick thing is that I could hear chirping. These were baby mice.

I did the only logical thing in this situation -- I ran next door and got my neighbor Joey. He was clearly watching football but he clearly had no way out of this. He came over and took a look, sort of jiggled the nest a little bit and a wee little mousey came stumbling out. Too young to run, poor little guy. I'll save you the play-by-play...they got cleaned up into a garbage bag and Joey took them away.

The mama is definitely in my house somewhere, and next weekend I'll set traps (I had no bait other than Cap'n Crunch cereal, soup, cheezits, and broccoli). I just hope Joey won't mind coming over again if I catch one.

Squeegee = Great Income

2006-11-11T14:13:00.000-08:00

Oi kvetch. I woke up to a bit of a snowstorm (I'm in Tahoe, natch) and that meant today's window washing plan was iffy. Adding insult to injury, I have no squeegee. I went on a special squeegee buying trip earlier this week and call me what you will, but I was quite excited about using the squeegee to clean the windows over here.

Are you surprised that I have just come indoors from washing windows in freezing rain without a squeegee, with only a bucket and sponge and some paper towels? No? You shouldn't be. I can not be thwarted (put your mind around that word). What should surprise you is that I washed the windows etc., etc. and I am not even high. I'm pushing 39 and I can not find a source for the weed anywhere. It is having a negative effect on my productivity here in Tahoe. Will the weed smoking go the way of cigarette smoking*? Don't count on it but sheesh.

*I have not smoked for 348 days. Let's say I averaged a half a pack a day or 10 cigarettes -- that means I have not smoked 3,480 cigarettes that I would have ordinarily. I estimate I have smoked more than 70,000 cigarettes in my life.

2006-11-06T22:26:00.000-08:00

Oh the Buddhists. How much I love them. I love them for gently helping me realize that people do change, me included. How silly of me to forget and feel hopeless. In hindsight I needed to ask Josh if he wasn't over-reacting thinking that I was so frustrated by him that we needed to break up. But seriously, the boy did go on and on about things and I was really trying. Maybe trying too hard.

I did hug a tree today but I forgot it was going to be dark at 6:00! I got up from my desk after a full day of corporate communications and dog gone it, there was a nearly-full moon out there. I enjoyed my walk a LOT and feel grateful for so many things today. Here are a few of them (I love a list!):

I ate healthy food all day today except quite a few low fat potato chips with dip which made me want to barf but tasted great. I also exercised for more than an hour.
the Deer Beside the River painting came in the mail today and it is a masterpiece. Words cannot express. Lo, the googly eyes!
I have three more paintings coming very soon. Maybe tomorrow!
working from home tomorrow, alarm rings at 6:30
going to the chiropractor first thing in the AM and she's at the end of my block
getting new brakes on the Subaru. Responsible car ownership turns me on. I love me.
I got busy on the ski share and am working things out...have already cashed a check for $2100 and expect another $10,500. Bank!
going to Tahoe on Friday...on the agenda for the weekend: washing windows and making curtains. Who wants to come with me? I'll cook!
I have made a decision that because I have never been any good at returning ANYTHING in my life (seriously I think I have returned less than five things in my entire life) -- I am DONATING the porch swing and lanterns that I bought for the house and didn't use. Habitat for Humanity will eat them up (you know, I have the good taste). Probably paid $1K for them but they were going to charge me 25% restocking and all the shipping anyway and I get the 8 damn boxes that have been sitting there since July out of my cube and I feel good about giving something nice to H for H. ROCK!
time for bed -- I made my bed today. I'm such an adult sometimes.

Hiking in the city

2006-11-06T10:39:00.000-08:00

Wow, yesterday was a negative post day. But life's not always sunny skies, is it? Today is brighter and I'm working at home, planning to get outside at the end of the day and hug a tree in Golden Gate Park.

It's also Zen Center night and I'll walk there too. I love San Francisco because it's such a walking city. The bus on my corner will take me to the park and from there I can spend 45 minutes strolling past the Conservatory of Flowers

and Stow Lake

grab a cup of coffee at the de Young Museum cafe, and then hike across town to the Zen Center at Page and Laguna which should take about 15 minutes.

Yes, living in the city comes with some challenges like difficulty parking and no back yard, but they are almost insignificant compared to the joy of taking off on foot and seeing such natural beauty, interesting architecture, and the city's rich mix of people.

There was a but after all

2006-11-05T18:10:00.000-08:00

I'd like to think that I played this one by the book. I met Josh, offered him friendship, didn't sleep with him, talked to him about my thoughts and feelings, compromised on the things that aren't too important, listened to him with compassion and understanding, and in the end there was still a but.

He cancelled on me at 6:15 on Thursday night, said he didn't feel up to going out. That's the second time he's cancelled at the last possible minute -- he let the whole day go by and then stood me up. On the phone with me he was off on a diatribe about traffic and people in his lane and he wasn't going to be able to find a parking place and he wasn't letting me say much of anything. I did tell him I was frustrated because I had left work early to be home at 6:30 for him but I could tell he wasn't listening to me. I decided to talk to him about it when he was in another frame of mind.

So I tried talking to him on Friday, but he was out shopping and was not really focused on our conversation. Same thing happened Saturday morning...he was out walking and doing errands and wasn't focused on our conversation, kept interrupting me, and I didn't feel right trying to bring up anything of weight. I asked him if he would call me back when he got home and he said he didn't know when he'd have time. I told him I was frustrated because he seemed distracted lately and I just wanted to have his full attention. He said he would call back around 5.

He called when he said he would and he told me that he didn't think this whole thing between us would work out, that he thinks I want more than he can give, and that he didn't want to feel like he had frustrated and disappointed me. I could go on but it's all along the same theme. He said he has to take care of himself and that means being selfish. He also said he's still got feelings around the break-up of his marriage and that is leading him to keep me at arm's length. (Karuna)

You know what? That's all I need to hear. I want more than he can give, if giving means being open to a relationship, present for a conversation, and doing your best to work through a problem. We talked yesterday and again today and we both got a chance to say how we feel and we even worked out the frustrating conversation issue but it didn't matter. He said he likes me and felt a connection but this fight happened too early in the relationship and it's not going to work. I agree.

I'm angry with myself today. (Maitra) I picked Josh out of 16 other men and damned if he didn't end up being available only on his terms. All I can do is try again. And again. And again. I feel like I try things different each time but I end up in the same place. I thought I was trying something new with Josh -- I believed he's not like other men I've dated, but that's not really true. He's a lot like other men I've dated who are not available for one reason or another.

Speaking of unavailable men, Keith left a message on my phone last night. What's that, about 7 weeks later? That's unfortunately pretty much what I expected from him.

In other news, I wrenched my back trying to lift something heavy and am wearing a brace for a week or so. Sucks.

In more other news, Kevin's in jail again and asking me for money and some kind of support when he gets out so that he doesn't have to go back on the street. John got his mentally ill, drug-addicted girlfriend pregnant (this will be her fifth child...where are the other four??) and he wants me to welcome her into the family. He also totaled his uninsured car...I'm pretty sure he's wrapped up in crystal meth again. I hate this part of my life, and I want my life to change. It's a no-win situation...cutting off my family doesn't work and continually hearing about their bad choices makes me angry. I'm not willing to continue to support them so that they can continue to make bad choices. Telling them "I'm sorry things are so hard for you" is about all I will do after twenty years of this. There is a difference between helping and enabling, and I can't help either one of them.

They have both had years to change course and yet end up in the same place over and over. So in the spirit of Carrie Bradshaw I ask, do people change? Really? Despite the work I've done on relationships I don't believe my outcomes have changed. Do people change? I'm awfully skeptical.

Dry Landscape Design and the Zen Aesthetic

2006-11-05T11:31:00.000-08:00

My place in Tahoe is at an altitude of 6300 feet and not much grows without irrigation installed. I don't want to install irrigation for several reasons: a) it's a waste of precious water, b) the run-off from watering fertilized lawns and flower beds is directly adding to the algae bloom in Lake Tahoe and the destruction of its famous clarity, c) green lawns and non-native flowers are totally unnatural to the Sierra landscape, and finally d) everyone with an irrigation system spends large amounts of time and money maintaining the system each year and cutting the grass and I would like to avoid that.

Since I renovated the house in the tradition of Greene and Greene (architects whose work embodied the aesthetic of the Arts and Crafts movement with a subtle Japanese influence), I believe a Zen garden ideal which repeats the natural materials I used (red cedar, stone, brick) will complement the house and its natural surroundings.

It might be a bit pretentious though, given the fact that the house is in the mountains among mountain people. I've been reading the Western Garden Book and matching it to web sites to understand how the Zen garden aesthetic can be applied in native plants in Tahoe.

The Four Arms of Buddhist Love

2006-11-01T15:12:00.000-08:00

It's no secret. I love the Buddhists. I think of the four arms of Buddhist love often and I have them listed in a PowerPoint file on my desktop. I open it every once in a while to remind myself how I can spread happiness by loving people.

Maitra -- A boundless feeling of friendliness and wishing well for others. It implies friendliness: befriending and accepting yourself, your body and mind, and the world.
Karuna -- Compassion, empathy, being moved by feeling what others feel.
Upeksha -- Equanimity, recognizing the equality of all that lives.
Mudita -- Spiritual joy and satisfaction. This includes rejoicing in the virtue and success of others. The antidote to envy and jealousy.

Let's all offer Andrew some karuna today -- pray he finds the precious thing he lost.

2006-10-31T10:13:00.000-08:00

This blog has been outed by Othejoys. It was just yesterday that I was driving across the Bay Bridge talking on my mobilephone to Andrew about what it will be like when he's in Australia and I'm in San Francisco and I told him (with a typical big build-up to the ultimate truth) -- you can stay up on what I'm doing in San Francisco because I write a blog and you can read it.

"I suspected as much. You're a blogger!"

"Yeah, Andrew, but don't tell anyone. You're only the second person who knows about it and I'd like to keep it on the down low."

Immortal No More

2006-10-30T14:46:00.000-08:00

I am going to miss the Zen Center tonight because the Berkeley group is meeting on Monday instead of Tuesday this week. That means I have an extra night free tomorrow and Hooray! I can give candy to the 1.2 million children who trick-or-treat in my neighborhood...we have a fire dancer on my block and he's a big draw. My biggest problem is that I've already eaten 1/2 a bag of Hershey's Miniatures and there is no stopping me on the chocolate. I will be giving ALL that candy away tomorrow.

It's too bad I'll miss the Buddhists because I certainly spend more time during the week thinking about the Zen lesson than I do thinking about the group. Last week we talked about sickness and death, and during the meeting I thought about my dad's recent death and my mom's sickness and death from malignant melanoma twenty years ago and thought yes, sickness and death are hard to deal with. In general, however, my thoughts during the meeting were: this has no real relevance to me. [Thankfully, I am immortal.]

At 38 and counting (one month from 39), I still feel strong and healthy. For that I am sincerely, deeply grateful. The aches and pains I get come from working too hard or skiing too hard (being as wild and stupid on the mountain as a 10-year-old) have all been temporary. But I am not immortal and it has taken a week to sink in. What about getting older? What about close friends my age who have tried like hell to conceive a child and have been unsuccessful? What about Dave's friend who has breast cancer and no insurance? What about Ken who was diagnosed with lung cancer nearly a year ago at 49 and who died from it last night?

What about Brainhell, a 43-year-old father of two with ALS, Lou Gehrig's disease, who commented a year ago in a heroically restrained way on my frightfully immature rant on how silly men look doing the stairclimber in the gym? I was reading old posts and clicked on his name and god bless him, he's got sickness and death sitting in his lap. I have spent 20 hours in the last 48 reading his account of losing his ability to run, to walk, to speak clearly, to hold his young son and daughter. And at my age he was still immortal too. God bless him, he is living with ALS, praying for something to reverse the disease, and demonstrating great dignity and love for himself, his family, friends, and strangers who read his story. I am praying for you and your family, Brainhell.

The lesson from the Buddhists last Monday have helped me understand in a more personal way that a day will come when my body fails me in some way. I am not immortal. I need to prepare myself for the knowledge that my great health, which I enjoy, will not always be here for me. It has been 11 months and 2 days since I stopped smoking cigarettes and I celebrate this gift of health I have given myself. I appreciate the Buddhists for helping me recognize the great gift that is even one more healthy day. I know people like Ken and Brainhell would give anything for it. God bless them, may they be happy, may all beings be happy.

Party Party

2006-10-28T17:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I quit work at 1:00, drove to San Jose, and spent the afternoon with Andrew going around getting everything for his party (including one of those great heater-things for outside and a combination smoke machine/many-colored lighted disco ball). We had a nice afternoon-into-evening time with Andrew's girlfriend Stacey and the party began. I was on the lookout for Harold because truthfully there were only a few people there* but Harold didn't show up until around 10 and the party was already past that point where everyone was talking to everyone else. (Harold wore his old-standby whoopee cushion costume and gave mini-whoopee cushions to all guests, including me [which our friend Aaron said shows everything is ok dog-bite-wise and I agree]).

The party was fun and I'm glad I was there for it. Oh man will I miss Andrew.

*including Tom, previously Andrew's neighbor, a middle-aged guy who goes to burning man every year and is an expert in that naked rope-tying thing, who came in a costume as "the sun" wearing a skin-tight sky-blue unitard showing a detailed outline of his package, tube socks, teva sandals, a white poncho with gold glitter edges, and what looked like a giant tambourine edged with orange fake fur on his chest. Later in the evening we learned he had a fan installed in the tambourine that flutters the fake fur. Tom, great costume, you geek. You rock. :)

There is no but

2006-10-26T07:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had about thirty meetings back to back with different people in San Jose and oh yes I am taking care of business.

After work I called Josh and he was upset with me because it was after 6:30 and I wouldn't get home until 7:30 and he has an early bedtime! and I am coming home so late! but I cancelled other plans to spend time with you Josh and we didn't agree on a time to meet! and I didn't know you have an early bedtime! We actually managed to get past the problem without any damage at all. I credit my new interpersonal skills, learned from the Berkeley group, and my vow to not react from the Buddhism, and I credit Josh for also having interpersonal skills that allow him to see my side too and look for a way out. It felt really good to solve the problem by just talking it out. It may seem minor but these skirmishes are how I get into trouble.

I got home at 7:30 and Josh brought me a burrito and we just hung out in my kitchen talking. (n.b., I invited him to Lake Tahoe for the weekend of 11/10 and he said he will come.) Before he left he said next time he wants to talk to me about our relationship. He wants to make sure I understand who he is and where he's coming from and oh boy did I get nervous because Keith sat in that same chair and said the same opening line and Keith broke my heart.

Josh said he is really enjoying spending time together. That talking to me is one of the best ways he spends his time. That he has appreciated getting to know each other. And I am sitting there nodding my head and saying uh-huh and me too and then he stops. And I raise my eyebrows. And I say: is there a 'but' coming? because I feel like there is a 'but' coming. But he just smiles and shakes his head. There is no but. He just wants to tell me what's on his mind. Josh is not Keith. He communicates.

I wonder if he's dangerous enough. I've been reading Stephen Mitchell who describes the dichotomy of danger and stability that must be present in love, and how people's gauge of danger and stability in a person is ever-changing. I believe I seek liberal amounts of danger at first and then I want a 180-degree shift into stability. Most of my boyfriends can serve up the danger but they can't serve up the stability and I'm stuck without it. The ones who can serve up the stability just can't muster the danger and they get rejected.

I'm choosing a different path with Josh. He is not dangerous in the way that Tad-the-player was or Keith-don't-touch-my-heart was and I think that is why I do not feel that wild desire, pounding heart, and fluttering stomach that I felt for Keith and Tad and ALL THE OTHER GUYS WHO BROKE MY FUCKING HEART. On the flip side I get this reassuring communication and he actually said a couple of times that he does not want to disappoint me. In all my experience I believe no one has ever said that. So where is the danger with Josh? There must be a little bit there or else I wouldn't find him attractive.

I bet in the same way I have experienced a 180 in the past, so will I experience a 180 in this relationship. (I think stability will quickly give way to huge danger if/when I give my heart to him.) And that if/when this happens the fluttering stomach and pounding heart will show up. I just have a feeling. That's enough for now.

Because I Cannot Stop the Blogging Today

2006-10-24T14:55:00.000-07:00

Friday night is Andrew's going-away party (in San Jose, blech!). I've blocked my calendar at work so that I can leave by noon and help him get his house ready, and last night I was talking to him about the plan when it occurred to me to ask: hey Andrew, is Harold going to be at your party? And the chilling response, "of course."

Harold is the unfortunate guy whose face Charlie chose to bite off, and Harold has a terribly unfortunate scar over his left eye as a result of that incident. Good thing it's Halloween, huh? I'm evil and I'm going to hell. I haven't seen Harold since this time last year (nearly to the day, I must add) when the incident happened. I do not want to see Harold, mostly because I have never enjoyed being around him and the fact that my dog bit his face only makes it worse.

Charlie bit Harold about ten minutes after I told Harold not to mess with Charlie and whatever you do don't put your face into his face because he will bite you. It's still not Harold's fault that Charlie bit the shit out of him, but it gives you an idea of why I really don't like hanging around with Harold. He's the definition of nebbish: a pitifully ineffectual, luckless, and timid person (dictionary.com).

There are only 8 people who have said they are planning to go to Andrew's party and Harold is one of them. I do not want to go to this party -- in San Jose an hour from home -- where Harold will be the first person there and the last to leave and it's not like I can escape hanging out with him by talking to other people at the party. But I don't want to hurt Andrew's feelings either. I am thinking about taking the whole day off to spend with Andrew and then leaving before the party starts. Or else faking a bad stomach flu. Oh yes I am evil.

2006-10-24T13:01:00.000-07:00

More paintings for my paint-by-number collection: BEHOLD! DEER BESIDE A RIVER. I have a lot of empty wall space in Tahoe and believe it or not you can buy one of these beauties and have it delivered, framed for $20 or less. When will I stop? I do not know...but if you could see how poorly executed the deer in this picture is, you would laugh at its googly eyes.

Now the next one -- BEHOLD! DEER IN THE RIVER! (only $16 delivered). This guy is a vertical painting (somewhat rare) and the gold frame lends a richness to it, don't you think?

Now, imagine this collection of wildlife-themed PBNs hanging in the family room, a fish trophy, a few pine cones on the tables here and there, some Chinese checkers or dominos to play with, and lots and lots of pillows containing wildlife scenes like this:

And you take a look around at the fire burning in the fireplace and the 8 feet of snow outside and you are absolutely sure you're in Lake Tahoe.

2006-10-24T10:08:00.000-07:00

I am posting a photo just because I know there is one person who happens to live across the country and happens to have known me these past twenty years who may appreciate seeing a picture of Josh. Besides I think I will enjoy seeing it myself. However I wonder whether that is unfair to him...putting his picture up on the internet somewhere. Ah, but you know what they say, in some cases it's better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.

I mentioned he reminds me of Kevin Marshall and he actually does in a lot of ways. I think they could be pegged as brothers in the way they look except Josh has blue eyes and Kevin's were a hazel brown. They are both only children of a single mother and a father who was never around. They also have a similar way of going on and on in a mini-tirade about something so minor, totally redressing the situation for being ridiculous and wrong, flabbergasted that their lives have been affected, until it becomes a joke that they are even bringing it up. Kevin used to do that a little and Josh does it a lot. It's one of the things that makes me go this is not going to work. It's negative and the amount of feeling behind it seems unnecessary. I want to say OK! I get it! Stop! Take a breath! But maybe it's Josh's way of letting go of negativity. Maybe it's not a big deal in the larger scheme of things (along the lines of fat fingers). Maybe I can understand it and see it differently. I am pretty sure Josh likes me a lot and I like him too, so why not spend time together?

2006-10-23T17:26:00.000-07:00

My Tahoe time got cut short because ATT neglected to fix my DSL over there and it's not advisable to try to do your job managing web-based communications over a dial-up connection. So ATT, you suck. So I'm home in San Francisco and here's what's on my mind today:

1. I got my latest paint-by-numbers masterpiece in the mail today. I add this to my growing paint-by-numbers collection which currently includes a bear in the woods, a pheasant in the golden autumn sunlight, and a studly flyfisherman performing his feats of precision and strength mid-stream while two adoring females look on from the bank of the river. BEHOLD! THE STUDLY BUCK. Andrew's girlfriend was here last week and was admiring my growing collection and said, "these are great...are they all by the same artist?" C'mon that's funny. She may become my new room mate since Andrew moved his things out this weekend. His flight to New Zealand is November 13 and his going away party is this Friday. I do not know how I will survive without him.

2. I got a Free Flying Disk in my Laughing Cow bag of cheese minis. Strange that one of these mini cheeses is green, I thought. And it was then that I realized it is not a mini cheese at all. It is a Free Flying Disk, somehow folded and shrink-wrapped and reduced to the size and shape of a mini cheese. Baffled, I put it back in the refrigerator.

3. Josh. I am the definition of ambivalent when it comes to him. Almost from one minute to the next when I'm with him I'm thinking this is great this will never work. But he's sure on my mind. The first time I saw him I was in my car, turning the corner in front of the restaurant where we planned to meet and a taxi driver made a quick turn in front of me and then stopped to let people out, basically cutting me off behind. Josh was standing on the sidewalk and he smiled at me as I waited for the taxi to move and I thought 'what an attractive man' and I smiled back. I didn't know it was Josh who smiled at me because he was an Internet date and I had only seen a picture of him with longer hair but he had buzz-cut his hair earlier that week. I haven't forgotten that. I'm attracted to him sometimes but not all the time. But maybe it's enough. He makes me laugh and he's a good man. So...he's on my mind.

4. Zen Center night. I wish we could have snacks in there. I'm off to meditate on that thought.

I Love Sleeping In on Sunday Morning

2006-10-22T05:57:00.000-07:00

Alas I woke up at 4:30 this morning and eventually gave up trying to fall asleep again so ok, I am awake and beginning my day at 5am. While I was in bed thinking I might get up, I thought about things I might do this morning (I am in Tahoe). Here is my list, truly in order of the way it occurred to me:
1) analyze the pull-out couch in the family room to see why it is so unbelievably uncomfortable
2) put the carpets back down and arrange the furniture now that everything is painted
3) get the fireplace going and drink coffee in front of it
4) clean the bathroom

What I have done in the last hour is this:
1) roll out the carpet runner for in front of the front door, vacuum both sides, pour coffee
2) put the fireplace back together, light the pilot, replace the glass, try to put the heavy copper cover back on, get frustrated and quit, sit down to drink coffee and think about how to wrestle the copper cover in place
3) check email, read old Mimi Smartypants entries from 2003

NO SEGUE REQUIRED
I am afraid of a bear at the house now and I have been thinking I should get a new dog to scare the bear away and to have a better first sense of any hauntings going on in the house.

The bear is a viable fear -- the neighbors next door (Amber and someone? Ben? they've lived there for a year and I just me them for some reason) told me that the bear broke into the neighbor's house across the street. And yes, I had seen the plywood covering their front door. Add to the fact that the bear tried to break into my house a week before we closed the deal two years ago. And that I replaced that bear wreck of a front door with a beautiful 2/3 beveled-glass, craftsman-style, mostly glass, mmmm-is-that-a-box-of-white-cheddar-cheez-its-I-can-see-on-the-kitchen-counter new less wood/more glass glass front door and I'm nervous about the bear. Perhaps I am being silly since I have never heard of a bear breaking into a house with people in it. But I am just one small person, and a very quiet sleeper!

Do you know I have seen that bear? Yes, with my very own eyes. He/she was probably 50 feet away, walking in front of Amber & Ben's house, and he/she casually turned back to look at my house since about twelve of us had rushed out the front door to see him/her. My friend Christian had gone outside to smoke a cigarette and in his casual and very quiet way, he had poked his head back inside and said "hey there's a bear out here." And there was. And let me tell you that bear is huge, bigger than a garden tractor, seemingly the size of a small shed. But cuddly somehow. Awfully cute.

The haunting is even sillier since it's very silly to believe in that sort of thing but I appreciated having a dog to keep me company last year when I was alone here. Now the house seems so big and empty and DID I JUST HEAR SOMETHING? occurs to me a lot. Also, IF I PUT MY HAND IN THE ROOM TO TURN ON THE LIGHT WILL SOMETHING GRAB MY HAND? The answer to these questions is, uh, no. And there is nothing under the bed. BUT A DOG WITH ITS HYPER-SENSITIVITY TO NETHER-WORLD PROCEEDINGS WOULD PROVIDE MORE ASSURANCE. Still, all that walking and feeding and being home to let him/her out and the chance that he/she would actually bite/hurt someone is outweighing the chance that a spirit or poltergeist inhabits my house.

I think I can put the copper cover back on if I get a very large pillow or two to raise it up to the right height. Maybe phone books would be better. I'm off to try!

Ah, but one last thought -- I finished recovering the couch and it's truly quite amazing. About 80 hours of work, I estimate. $300 for upholstery fabric. And poof, goodbye purple couch, hello tasteful carmel-beige. Am I living the dream of many future homemakers of america or what?

Message to Stacie:

2006-10-12T22:06:00.000-07:00

Hey, I love hanging out with you. I wish you were somehow on my calendar every day, as if I had more than Wednesday and Thursday to spend with people. I'm just saying, I had fun. If Dane Cook ever comes to town, we're going to see him perform, and I'm sleeping with him. I call it.

Monday nights I go to the Zen Center. Tuesday is my group in Berkeley and on Friday, Saturday, Sunday I normally go to Lake Tahoe. That leaves Wednesday and Thursday to see friends. Sort of Elective nights. I want to integrate some one in my life so that I'm seeing at least one friend more than just Wednesday and Thursday. I want my routine to include more fringe benefits.

The thing you said about me hanging out with people who are somehow less than me, I don't 100% agree. Maybe money isn't the most important thing in the world. I value the ability to play four instruments and make music and act in front of people as much as I value my salary. So - ... I am liking Josh and I want my friends to like him too. Be prepared for the hip hop John Wayne, though, he's got that twang...

Zen and the 12 Steps

2006-10-02T21:52:00.000-07:00

On Monday nights I often go to the SF Zen Center for the Discussion Group for People in Recovery. It's funny how I started going there --- about five years ago I lived by the Zen Center and I went to a beginners zazen session. It started at oh-god-thirty on a Saturday morning, and I felt I needed an evening alternative.

While at the Zen Center I picked up a flyer that said "Monday Night Discussion Group: 7:30pm," and I thought ah yes, that's for me. It wasn't until half way through the 1.5 hour session that the teacher said "now is the time we introduce ourselves and I'll go first...my name is ........ and I'm an alcoholic." All 30 or 40 people around the room introduced themselves with their affiliations and I realized I was in some kind of Buddhist 12 step meeting. But you know what? I love it.

We talk about spirituality, compassion, patience, atonement, and the four noble truths. Alcoholics and addicts talk about their alternating egomania and feelings of inferiority, the drama they seem to create or hold on to, their appreciation of the little things in life that give them joy, and their stories and mine have so many parallels. I attended for about six or eight months and stopped, but I started going again last March.

Tonight I talked. I shared a story about me. I tried talking two other times over the years but my stage fright is terribly debillitating and I couldn't get through my words. Tonight, however, I started out by saying that I was really afraid of talking in this big group, so I would just talk to my socks. I just kept looking at my socks using cupped-hands blinders and I got all the way through what I wanted to say without crying or stuttering, and that's a big deal. A huge deal!

I often keep things to myself when I have something I need to say to someone, but I am afraid their feelings will be hurt or they will get angry and tell me I'm wrong to feel the way I do -- or they will make fun of me. With friends I'm a lot more confident. With a lover, however, I have the stage fright and I cry and I stutter and I'm embarrassed by my immaturity, so I keep things to myself more often.

I will get better and healthier by going to groups like this and finding my voice, sharing parts of myself that aren't perfect. I will stop stuttering and crying and I will have more confidence when I need to talk to a lover.

I did a good thing tonight, talking. And I actually made people laugh with what I said, and they laughed with me not at me. So I'm feeling pretty zen right now. Deep breaths feel pretty good.

2006-10-02T07:53:00.000-07:00

There is no question. The season has turned to fall.

I love all the seasons equally: winter for the excuse to stay indoors all day and read, or the 3 feet of fresh powder together with bright blue skies that makes an amazing ski day. Spring for the smell of the wet earth, tulips, and the promise of a new year. Summer for the first shorts day, lemonade, and sweaty bike trips over the Marin headlands. And then there's fall when you can be all alone on a walk by the river and the trees offer their best yellows, oranges, and reds.

Lake Tahoe was beautiful this weekend. My ski buddy Nicole came with me and helped me paint the living room, a priceless gift of friendship. She also took some camera-phone photos of the house.

Internet, BEHOLD!

Remember this:

Now it's this:

Working From Home

2006-09-26T09:24:00.000-07:00

Working from home used to mean sitting on the couch, feet up, and laptop in lap. After 8 hours this position is crampy and hard on the lower back (so I would just stop working after about 6 hours, problem solved!). A few months ago I bought a desk and chair at IKEA and set it up in my room, but here's the rub. I have my workspace against one wall in my room, and no one wants to stare at the wall when they work, right? So I got a mirror to go across the wall above the desk and brighten up the space but now I just sit and look at myself for 8 hours. I'm doing it right now, raising an eyebrow to see if my reflection has anything to add.

News From September

2006-09-25T12:16:00.000-07:00

Oh my, too much time since my last post. Here is a big long post to make up for it.

The big news is that I got a great job and have left the chief bitching officer and her psychotic sidekick behind. I'm free to pursue a new role as a team lead (that's right, now I'm some poor soul's manager) on internal communication for the second largest organization at the multinational corporation I call home. This rules.

Then there's the bad news...we had a weekend away with my sister and my two brothers who are not in jail and it sucked. Royally. Here are some actual quotes:
"You're an idiot if you don't lie to your lawyers."
"I asked you a simple question but you don't want to answer it. That's because you're a woman."
"You live in your own little world."
If you think we argued, you're entirely correct. We argued a lot and eventually my oldest brother pounded his fists on the table, stood up so that his chair rocketed and crashed against the back wall, screamed at his kids to get in the car, and left without another word. And yes, in case you're wondering, I made the comment that led to his dramatic behavior. And yes, yes, we aren't speaking.

And then there is good news. The work on the outside of the house in Tahoe is done and all of you on the Internet will be treated to a before/after comparison photo as soon as I get the urge to drive over there again. It might be a couple of weeks...stay tuned.

I am on date number 16 with regard to Internet dates. Here's the update:
16. Josh the Plumber...he's a cross between Kevin Marshall and Vic Chesnutt...plays the clarinet, saxophone, flute, and about a hundred other instruments...has some kind of Vic Chesnutt southern twang even though he grew up right here in SF...sweet, sweet guy. I've hung out with him a few times and I think he's pretty great. But as a boyfriend? I'm not feeling it. :(

15. Doug the Recently Divorced, Bitter About Selling the House Guy...billed himself as an ex-punk rocker...I need to read more closely in these email exchanges because it turns out the guy's taste in music runs closer to Anne Murray these days and we all know that won't do for me. He's also unemployed and seems to still be in love with his ex-wife (who left him for someone else, taking their 5 y.o. son and light of Doug's life). This was a bad, bad date.

14. Matthew the Pediatrician...this is the guy you wish you could see as a stone fox but I found him puffy and effeminate. He's wonderful, though. Matthew does magic tricks for sick kids to make them laugh. He spent the first few years after undergrad organizing a non-profit childcare center in Seattle, and then went to medical school. He's smart and funny and makes sure you're comfortable. He's a good date. But am I attracted to Matthew? Nope, not a bit.

13. David the A&M Guy...I believe I wrote about David before, but here's how our second date went: I cried. Real tears. I was stressed out and he has trouble with boundaries. I wore a skirt and he kept putting his hand on my leg, even when I told him in very clear words not to put his hand on my leg, that wasn't kosher. He laughed like he thought it was funny. Then he tried to pull me in and kiss me. I felt violated. I didn't have the strength to get angry, and I cried. We didn't go out again.

So that brings us up to date on my Internet dating life. The only other thing to add is that I sent Keith an email last week to wish him a happy birthday. That's the first time I've reached out to him since we split up (July 05), and I did it because I want to know what's going on with him. He called me a few days later...it was a bit of a shock to hear his voice on my voicemail and it made my heart skip several beats. He still has a pull for me, apparently.

I called him back the following morning and left a message on his phone. Now the irony kicks in, because for about 24 hours I was all nostalgic about Keith, remembering the good times I had with him and thinking I want to see him again. But I left him the message on Friday morning and it's Monday afternoon and he hasn't called again.

In case I had forgotten what it was like dealing with Keith and his phone-calling silences! Aaaarrrrrgh! But I do still have a huge soft spot for Keith...you should have heard his message...he thanked me for my email, called it a birthday present. My heart still breaks for Keith.

Finding Kevin

2006-08-28T15:35:00.000-07:00

I knew the right thing to do was to drive to my brother Don's house to be with him and his wife and kids. But first I had to find my brother Kevin and tell him what had happened. Kevin's homeless. He lives two miles from me in San Francisco, and I know this because he and I have dinner from time to time. He's been homeless for about two months...before that he was living in a single room occupancy hotel down in the Tenderloin, but at least he had a place to live. He's been shooting heroin and smoking crack for the better part of ten years and while he has gotten and stayed sober a number of times, he's been "out" for almost two years this time. He's seriously sick, weighs only 160 lbs and he's 6'3", and his teeth are almost falling out of his head. It's heartbreaking because he just can't stop the drugs. But back to my story.

I wanted to find him and tell him what happened before I left the city. I knew that once I left home I wouldn't be back for a long while because we all had to go to Illinois for the funeral. I wanted to leave with a clear conscience. But I was afraid of everything involved in looking for Kevin. Maybe irrationally afraid. But I was going to have to do it and so off I went...I got on the Muni train and went down to the Civic Center station. I got out of the train station and my friend Andrew called me. I told him what I was about to do, and that I was afraid, and he gave me a good pep talk. So I hung up and went over to some security officers that were patrolling the farmers market down there, sort of asked them what I should do. I figured I would have to go around asking other homeless people if they knew him or if they had seen him and I was seriously afraid of doing that. So it was easier to talk to the cops.

The cop told me that I needed to ask the people around there. He also told me I should go to St. Anthony's because it was almost lunch time and that's where most of the homeless people at their mid-day meals. So I went off to St. Anthony's and checked out the people in line for lunch but Kevin was not there. I asked the guy at the door who seemed to be in charge, and he asked if I had a picture of Kevin. What a good idea that would have been, huh! I felt discouraged.

At that point in time my phone rang and it was Andrew again. He called to say he had gotten a babysitter for his son and he was in the car on the way to help me find Kevin. Andrew is such a close friend. I love him dearly. I decided to find a restaurant, sit down, have some lunch, and wait for Andrew to get there.

When he got there he drove me back to my apartment to get some recent photographs of Kevin. I had some from Thanksgiving when our entire family got together. Andrew and I made a flyer with Kevin's picture and my phone number, and we started walking around. It took no time to spot a guy who looked homeless and a little bit out of it. We talked to him, showed him Kevin's picture, and he immediately straighted up and looked us in the eye. He said he knew Kevin, had just seen him the day before. He took the flyer from us and he pointed out a couple of other places to look. The guy was really nice, concerned. That was our experience throughout the entire day. Without exception, people listened to us and tried to help. We gave away four flyers to people who said they knew Kevin.

We didn't find him, and we walked for miles, looking. I have a better understanding of the homeless experience by having to look for Kevin, but my experience lasted only a few hours. Finding a place to get out of the sun is difficult, and all that walking is exhausting and hard on the feet. Kevin told me his feet are in appalling shape...he said I would be horrified by them. The places where people eat their meals are welcoming but smelly, loud, and unappetizing. Just surviving the day is hard enough...I can't imagine what it's like to try to make progress toward a job or a place to live.

We went back to my apartment and I began packing. My phone rang and it was Kevin. The network worked. I told him what happened over the phone and I asked if he would meet me for some coffee. I went and picked him up and we talked for a while. He said he wasn't in any shape to participate in the funeral. He said he felt guilty that dad died while he was still out, and that he had worried dad for so long. He said he would try to detox the next day. He said he would try again to get sober. He said he would call me in a few days to check in. That was a month ago. I haven't heard from him.

I was so sad to have to leave him, knowing how much it hurt to lose my dad and knowing that Kevin had to sleep on the street that night while he was hurting. Kevin's troubles break my heart. He's my little brother and he's a part of me. I can't fix him though. I can only pray for him.

I Can't Believe It Either

2006-08-27T22:02:00.000-07:00

Wow. What a difference a month makes. I totally deserted this site when things got rough. Here's the thing. My dad died. The very next day after I wrote that "don't go in the desert" post, my dad drove that 1989 Toyota Camry into the desert and it broke down on the interstate for some reason or the other. Dad left the Bay Area early that morning and by the time I got to my brother's house, dad had already gone. His car broke down after he had been driving for most of the day and he was pulled over on the side of I-5 at a callbox. He had called a tow truck for help, and he was sitting in his car waiting.

He was killed by a bad driver who lost control of her vehicle, a 2003 Camry. She hit his car at 76 miles per hour. Twice. Her front left fender went into the back of my dad's car, and then her car flipped around sort of whip-the-kitty and the rear end of the driver's side went into the side of my dad's car. Both of my dad's femurs were broken and he took a hard blow to the head, which killed him instantly. My sister got a call the next morning and she called me on my mobile phone. I was at the builders supply store in san francisco and I took it hard. I'll tell you about the rest of my day later.

---t

Being Real

2006-07-24T23:31:00.000-07:00

My dad had a horrible accident on a mountain road on his way to Tahoe on Saturday and he totaled his car. He's lucky to be alive, let alone to have sustained mere scratches and bruises from the accident. He's 78. He's feeling fine today. I'm giving him my car tomorrow so that he can drive home because he's almost out of medecine. I'm not sure when I'll get the Subaru back but you can't send your ole dad driving 10 hours across the desert in your brother's 1993 Toyota Camry. Hello reality? Leave me alone. I hate you. I hope the Camry doesn't smell.

So today was surprisingly relaxing. Maybe because I am feeling pretty fucking great about taking the house in Tahoe from this:

to this:

Granted, it hasn't happened yet, but by god I'm going to make this thing work out if it kills me. I am not even going to think about the fact that work is going to suck giant donkey dicks tomorrow.

Saying giant donkey dicks makes me think of Kelly Hancock. And you know what? Kelly has MS. She also got addicted to drugs somewhere along the line and I wish none of that were true. I get news of Kelly from time to time through my friend Jill, since Kelly got angry with me years ago and cut me off. If you knew how often I pray for Kelly you might be surprised. It's about half as often as I pray for Kevin and that's a lot. Kelly became a part of me when I lived in Atlanta, and I'm sorry things didn't work out better for her. I still laugh over the way she turned a phrase, and I picture her when I'm trying to be gentle with someone that I don't understand. Poor Kelly, I miss her.

Lucky No. 13

2006-07-12T23:40:00.001-07:00

No 13 -- David, age 37

I met David on Friday night at the Bigfoot Lodge. I had talked to him on the phone earlier and he said he has a beard because he got hurt in a couple of back-to-back accidents and he has been recovering. But he couldn't do anything physical for 4+ months so he had gotten to feeling like a sloth. So he grew the beard so that he wouldn't just feel like a sloth, he would look like a sloth too. He said it's his concept. I respect that. But I was afraid he'd be all puffy. But he wasn't. And he said the beard is negotiable. I like him. He got a literature degree from UC Berkeley and his family lives here in SF. He's Jewish. Tall. Dark hair and brown eyes. And here's the killer...he's an A&R guy who worked for a label and he signed the flaming fucking lips. Done. Deal. He said he's on my Fearless Freaks DVD which I would totally watch right now except that the new season of Project Runway is on and I'm otherwise occupied. We'll see how the next encounter goes. Friday.

Not A Way To Score Points

2006-07-12T23:40:00.000-07:00

Conversation in the hallway outside the office of the chief marketing officer:

Me [to Tracy and woman who I think is Tracy's boss Christine but I'm not sure because she is much heavier and has blonde hair now]: Oh hey! hi you guys.

Tracy, Other: hey, wow haven't seen you in a while, what a cute outfit.

Me [with ruffles on skirt which are never my thing]: oh really? thanks...I'm trying out a new style. Oh, hey you know, I'm looking for a new position. Would appreciate it if you hear of anything...

Tracy: I know Diane M is looking for people

Me: oh, yeah, huh huh [nervous laugh] ... I sent her my resume a couple of weeks ago and just never heard back from her...tried to call her a couple of times...huh, huh...I used to work for her... ... Ha! Maybe THAT's why she never called. [Then turn and make "blowing a wish" action from my hand.]

This is when I truly laugh because I think that's honestly funny. Get it? She blew me off.

Tracy and Other: Yeah...well, people are crazy busy these days. It's been that way for like a year. [then they turn and speak in another language which is english but there are no nouns or verbs in proper order...they are talking about what happened in some meeting]

Me: ...

Tracy, Other: Oh well. Hope it works out for you!

Me: Right! Thanks.

The Voice Mail Hall of Fame

2006-07-07T09:02:00.000-07:00

Got a message back this morning from the senior vice president, thanking me for my great voice mail. Great? Ah, the obsequious begging works. Testify.

I've been looking for a job for more than a month and sometimes it gets me down. It's different trying to get a job within the company where I've worked for seven years than it is trying to get a job with a new company. Witness: when someone in a new company doesn't call you back you can't take it personally. When someone you know in the company where you've worked for 7 years doesn't call you back -- you still can't take it personally. But it's really, really hard not to.

The Neighbor Has Obviously Been On Vacation

2006-07-06T17:41:00.000-07:00

The shoes on the front landing disappeared for three weeks. I honestly thought it was because more than once the upstairs neighbors have observed me watering their nearly-dried-up plants after dark. In fact I have brought the plants back to health with my gardening at night. I thought that maybe the triad up there decided I am actually a nice person who doesn't deserve to have dirty shoes on her landing any longer. I thought maybe the Greg guy decided he was being an ass about his shoes and that he could just leave them inside. I was wrong. The shoes are back.

I forgot to mention another blah.com date

2006-07-06T17:33:00.000-07:00

No. 12 -- Michael, age 39. Michael is a tall, dark and handsome Irishman from Tipperary. He was well-dressed in a casual sport jacket and he was so polite when I got there. He's been living in SF for 13 or 14 years, working as a carpenter. But he only finished 8th grade. He said that he grew up across from a school, but he had to tend to the cows and they were more important than his education. It's a damn shame, I like an intellectual. He was pretty cute.

The Critical Voice Mail

2006-07-06T16:24:00.000-07:00

I just left a voice mail for a senior vice president, begging for a job. I am an obsequious brown-noser. Here's what I said...I think it has a nice ring to it, one that says please god could you just hire me already? I'll do anything.

Hi Kathy, it's [me]. I just want to leave you a quick voice mail to let you know I'm. very. interested in continuing the conversation with you on your communications position. I would really like to work with you and I feel privileged to be considered. I hope you have had a chance to gather some feedback from the folks we talked about -- Rob (my last boss) mentioned you guys exchanged voice mails and he told me he thinks we would do well together. I'm eager to prove to you that I'm a team player, I believe in listening to you closely and doing whatever it takes to make you successful, and I'm completely committed to my role in helping you and your team achieve the goals you've set out as an organization. I hope we'll have another chance to connect on this soon, Kathy. All the best to you. Bye bye.

Punk Rock

2006-07-05T15:49:00.001-07:00

In order for me to date a guy he needs to be punk rock. I try to tell people (friends, family) what I'm looking for in a man, what I find attractive and it's that. It's an attitude. This explains why I don't find men at work attractive 99% of the time. They're not punk rock.

I work in a corporate la-la-landscape and I see stuff every day that is definitely not punk rock. Maybe it's because we are all almost 40 and most normal people have stopped believing in punk rock by this age, but I still believe in having a certain punk aura.

Here is what I know: if you're a guy, using a stairclimber is not punk rock. Don't even get on the thing. You are going to look like a sissy bouncing up and down on one of those things. There is just no way to look cool while you are bouncing like that. Mr. Sweating Man on the Stairclimber with the free company t-shirt, you are not punk rock.

The Parade Continues

2006-07-05T15:49:00.000-07:00

No. 11 -- Paul, age 41

Paul's wife of 2.5 years left him unexpectedly for some other guy 9 months ago. In that time he has moved from the suburbs to the city, shaved his head, lost 25 pounds, and posted a profile on fastcupid.com. He's a decent guy and he deserves a girlfriend. It won't be me, though. I'm afraid I am not in the least bit attracted to him.

2006-05-05T09:34:00.000-07:00

Last night I met Gordon at Cha Cha Cha in the Haight. I got there a few minutes early and got a chance to chat with the 2 bartenders and a guy to my right, and they were cool.

I had a bad feeling that I was not going to be into Gordon and for the first time I actually contemplated ditching the date. But the little Catholic guilt inside me stood up and said NO! YOU WILL MEET GORDON! and so I did. He's not my type, my little inward sense was correct.

After 1.5 hours of small talk and a little food and beer, we walked out of there. Standing just outside, we both said thanks, it was nice to meet you, and then we both nodded and walked away. There was no way we were a match and neither of us was going to pretend. It was 8:30 and I went home to watch I Shouldn't Be Alive on the Discovery channel.

THE SHOES
Three people live upstairs in the 2 BR flat...Greg, Sarah, and Nicole, and they have been there for six months. I'm thinking two of them must be a couple because last week I got woken up at 2:51am to some serious bedspring commotion in the room above my bedroom, but I don't actually know what their deal is.

What I do know is when they moved in they put no less than 10 potted plants outside on and around the stoop, and there was a bunch of crap in a milk crate and some broken boards and other junk sitting outside their front door for about a month until I finally said something about it. I saw Greg outside and asked if he wouldn't mind clearing off the landing...where our front doors are...because I like that to be free of clutter. He said he would talk to the others about it. A few days later I saw Sarah, and I made the same request, but still nothing happened. On the weekend, I picked up the milk crate and other crap and moved them to the side of the house behind the dumpsters and I left them a note. That didn't go over very well, I'm afraid.

They were all outside when I came home and Greg spoke for their team, saying he didn't think it was right that I moved their things. Sorry, I said, but I mentioned it a couple of times and nothing happened. I don't mind you putting the plants around the steps as long as they are neat, but let's keep the entry clear. They said OK and the situation seemed to be resolved, but then the shoes started showing up outside.

It was just one pair of shoes, but then there was another pot with dirt and a dead plant in it, and then there was some kind of tube of something, and it wasn't going away. It was there for 2 months, and every day when I would come home I would look at those fucking shoes and wonder why they had to be there. So the other night I wrote a note asking if they wouldn't mind clearing the landing again. I could hear Greg come home some time after ten and he was obviously pissed because he slammed the door and threw the note in front of my door. The shoes were moved but THEN THEY GOT MOVED BACK before the end of the night. Now they are there with the dead plant and the tube of whatever and I am being challenged to be really Zen about it when what I really want to do is throw that shit in the dumpster.

2006-04-28T22:54:00.001-07:00

I have realized that I have not met one person [guy] with a name that has more than 5 letters. I have 7 letters in my name. And I have been considering 8 my lucky number lately. That's all I'm saying.

2006-04-28T22:54:00.000-07:00

Oh the horror. That was my date tonight. I really question my judgment given the second date with a madman. He was so weird. He was really weird at first when I met him the first time, gesticulating wildly and pulling his hair. In hindsight that was extremely weird. Tonight I realized how NOT attracted to him I am. Question of Judgment, the 2nd date with Bill. Bill is a solid 4, bless him. Yuh.

2006-04-27T15:09:00.000-07:00

Six weeks have gone by since I broke up with Tad, and in that time I have been Internet dating like mad. My friend Stacie said it's her theory that you have to meet eleven or twelve people before you meet someone that you really like. So with typical gusto I have taken up the challenge. BRING ON THE PARADE!

I have already met eight men...eight in six weeks. And I'm here to tell you about them.

No. 1 -- Max, 39
I met Max for sushi at Country Station in the Mission. Three things disqualified Max: 1) missing tooth and no mention of why said tooth is missing, 2) profile describes him as a "film-maker" but he is really one of the AV guys at City College, 3) not as tall as his purported 5'10"

No. 2 -- Cliff, 38
I met Cliff for a drink at Cha Cha Cha in the Mission. Cliff smokes, unfortunately, and being a new non-smoker I couldn't go there. Cliff is actually a fairly nice guy, seemed to be flailing in a career but was more interested in music so no big surprise.

No. 3 -- Mark, 52
I was supposed to meet Mark for a drink at Cozmo's in the Marina, but it wasn't open so I went down the street to Izzy's Steakhouse -- he met me there. Mark is an earnest, erstwhile Canadian and he doesn't look 52, but he is 52. After thinking about it for a couple of days I turned him down for date #2.

No. 4 -- Zack, 38
I met Zack for Thai food somewhere in the Upper Haight. Zack is from Boston, spent years trying to be a rock star, took a 5-week computer course and came out of it with a job as a systems analyst. He's come out of a horrible childhood with a good sense of humor and a positive outlook on life. I went out with Zack 3x but neither of us seems very interested in a relationship.

No. 5 -- Dan, 46
I met Dan for a glass of wine at Andalu on 16th Street. Dan creeped me out by looking at me with smoldering glances and touching my arm several times with intent. He was salivating. A wolf. Ew. Ick. I cried after the date with Dan because I missed Tad so much and if guys like Dan were who I would have to go out with I should just admit I'm hopeless.

No. 6 -- Bill, 39
I met Bill for a glass of wine at the Slow Club in Potrero Hill. Bill was so nervous he was gesticulating wildly and sort of pulling on his hair, making it stand up straight and stick out in lots of places. He is a scientist (ontology...the science of information) and he's new in town. I forget where he's from but most recently it's Austin. He's now known as the "mad scientist" and I am seeing him tomorrow night for sushi. On the 1 to 10 scale, Bill is a solid 7.

No. 7 -- Another Dan, 37
I met Dan outside his apartment bldg down the hill from mine. I picked him up on the way to Hotel Biron in Hayes Valley. He's from Champaign, IL, and went to school at U of I at the same time I was there. He is friends with my friends Randy and Steve, and we had a lot of fun things to talk about. Dan is investigating generating cap-and-trade credits through plankton farming to stop global warming. He's now known as the "plankton farmer" and I am seeing him Saturday night for dinner and a horror movie. On the 1 to 10 scale, Dan is an 8, but he could go much higher. I really liked his style.

No. 8 -- Bryce, 30
I met Bryce at the Village Tavern down the hill in Noe Valley. Bryce develops policy for sex education for teens through a non-profit. He seemed like a nice guy but I wasn't feeling it. He's too young anyway. I had been secretly hoping that he would be young and totally hot and in principle I could just hang out and have great sex with him but in fact the idea didn't appeal.

Coming soon, No. 9 -- Mateo, 35
I haven't met Mateo but his profile says he's tall. I am meeting him on Saturday afternoon for coffee (and frisbee :). I love his name and he's got that Latin thing going on. Depending on how the Latin thing is done, I could be into it. He's a huge skier and that wins points.

So it's an all-date weekend. Bill Friday night, Mateo Saturday afternoon, and Dan Saturday night. I'm very much hoping that I will find a new relationship that will help me finally get over Tad completely. I am still obsessing over Tad.

My therapist gave me a new weapon against the constant reminders of him. ACTION: Putting pepper on my eggs in the morning. THOUGHT: It was cute how Tad was embarrassed by the amount of pepper he put on his eggs. NEW STRATEGY: Oh, that was another thought about Tad. I don't want to think about him right now. How about some grated cheddar cheese on those eggs? ACTION: Sitting in my living room working, hear a motorcycle drive by: THOUGHT: Man I loved riding on the back of Tad's motorcycle, holding on to him. NEW STRATEGY: Oh, that was another thought about Tad. I don't want to think about him right now. I had better get back to work on blah blah blah.

Get it? It's zen. It's the power of now. Someone borrowed that book from me and I should just go buy a new one because the power of now keeps tapping me on the shoulder and I could use a refresher course.

2006-04-18T16:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to dinner with Zack for the third time, and folks I think this is over. He's quite nice and kind of funny. But his chubbiness is threatening to become fatness if his eating behavior is any indication. He kept eating and eating, long past the point when my mind was screaming STOP EATING. So yes, that's one thing. The other thing is that each time we have hung out he has said something like "If I would have been there I would have knocked that guy out." Or something along the lines of beating someone up. And that, folks, is enough to turn me off.

2006-04-11T11:28:00.001-07:00

I am so tired of this bad feeling. Sad feeling. Whatever it is, I am tired of it and it's with me at least half of my awake time. I am going to kick it out!

Last night I went to the SF Zen Center for the buddhist discussion group for people in recovery. This is something I came upon accidentally about five years ago and I haven't been there for a few years. I went back last night because I need the time with people who are hurting as much as me. It was worthwhile even if the topic wasn't 100% apropos to my situation. And there was a guy who was pretty cute. He had both his ears pierced and I realized I think that is gorgeous. Really sexy. I told Andrew that when I got home and he said maybe he would pierce both ears but I am not sure how it would go with his haircut.

Andrew helped me put up the new rice paper shades for the living room windows -- thanks IKEA for the 4 hour project! -- we only got 2 shades complete and hung, so there are still more to do. Again, thanks IKEA for making something look easy when it's painful and complicated! But they look great so I'm pretty pleased.

My back is killing me. I hyper-extended it while skiing on March 3rd and yeah, it hurt when I did it. But I pulled a muscle while rolling out of bed in the middle of the night on March 29 and that puppy STILL hurts. I've been going to the chiropractor and I should have gotten an x-ray 10 days ago but I still haven't. The pain has prompted me to schedule an x-ray tomorrow. I went skiing on the weekend and it hurt a lot! I am definitely not going skiing this weekend. :(

Priceless

2006-04-11T11:28:00.000-07:00

Test results are completely normal. I am still A-OK and that makes me happy.

2006-04-08T21:40:00.000-07:00

I'm in Tahoe and there are 14 people in my house. It's so cool except for the fact that I -- me -- I spilled bong water on the rug in the living room. Any pretense of maturity has been erased.

Ha!

Doing Some Really Good Work

2006-04-04T23:02:00.000-07:00

Tuesday. Group therapy night. Third time and I am hearing things like "you did some really good work" and am noticing how close to the surface these people's feelings are. The snap of a finger, the drop of a hat, and people can cry. Me included. Tonight I tried to say something and couldn't and I started crying. I was just trying to say that I couldn't breathe all day. I kept having to take deep breaths and even a walk at lunchtime couldn't clear whatever was making me feel so off. Why couldn't I breathe? What was I afraid of? I think it had something to do with the horrible pervy wolfish Internet date I had last night. He made me feel unclean by the way he looked at me. He was disgusting and he made me feel hopeless because if that's what I have to look forward to, I should just get out of the game. I think that's why I couldn't breathe today. I am missing him, my guy, and how I felt about him, even though I know he's not available to me.

Daniel, therapist no. 2, asked me if I wanted to know why I keep choosing the wrong guy. Yeah, I want to know. But I said it would take a long time to figure that out. I've been trying to figure that out for about 10 years now and I haven't made much progress, but ole Daniel had it out in about 20 minutes. I swear to God. And it blew me away.

He asked me to think about the last guy and what it was about him that was a problem. With him it was the girls. Daniel asked me to remember what hurt me and how that felt. I told Daniel about how he had woken up with me the first time I spent the night and how he went out with another girl after he dropped me off at home.

Then Daniel asked me to think about another guy and what it was that hurt me. I told him about K and how he kept pulling away from me. Daniel asked me how that made me feel and I was able to say that it scared me, thinking that it would always be that way. That it frustrated me to give him the comfort he needed without getting what I needed. What I realized was that I can ask the men I am with for something and they will never tell me no, but they will not give me what I ask for either.

Then Daniel asked me to remember the feeling of not getting what I needed, but leave those men behind and go back to when I was a little girl. My eyes were closed and he took me back to my teenage years and back beyond that to when I was a little girl and then he asked me what came up when I felt that feeling. I wanted to see my dad somehow but the feelings it brought up were all about my mom, and that shocked me.

My mom was the best thing I had going as a little girl. But Daniel helped me realize that I really didn't get what I needed from her. She was busy with 5 kids and her volunteer stuff and the church and work and she was not always available to me. I grew up unsupervised while my parents were away at work, and when things went wrong there was no one there for me. I didn't get the help I needed. No one was paying attention to what I needed.

Daniel helped me realize that the men I have had relationships with are just like that. They give me what I think is love and attention when I don't ask for anything difficult, but when I need them they aren't there for me. They are not available to me. That's the one thing they all have in common. They are pre-occupied with something else and I take a back seat to their preoccupation.

It makes perfect sense once Daniel helped connect it for me. I don't know how this will change things but I hope it will relieve some of this brooding I have been doing over him. I have been praying that he will come back to me. In between times of praying for strength just to get through the pain.

I do pray that he will come back to me. Not because I would welcome and accept him back, but because I want him to know my truth. And that is that feeling the pain of losing him made me look for a way to change what I do in my relationships. And that has led me to Daniel and to a lot of progress in a few short weeks.

I also want him to know that I still believe in him, and that I think he will get to where he wants to be eventually. And I hope he believes in me and my ability to change too. I have a lot of compassion for him, because if he feels even half as bad as I do right now, and I am sure that he does, he deserves my compassion much more than my anger. I want to wish him godspeed in his journey and thank him for being part of this new knowledge I have gotten as a result of losing the relationship with him.

I'm glad something good has come from the pain and the pity of breaking up two people who were having such a wonderful time with each other. I hope more will come from this work I am doing with Daniel and the group. I feel exhausted from so much crying and from the Ambien I stole out of A's bedside table. It's 11:30 and I am going to bed.

2006-03-27T15:52:00.000-08:00

I had a terrible weekend and the terribleness is persisting.

I texted him on Friday to tell him I wanted to talk to him. It was in the middle of the work day and I asked him to call me when he could. I never expected him not to call me. So I spent the day and the evening and even part of the next morning wondering if he was going to call. Then I spent the rest of the time feeling bad because he didn't call.

Why did I call him in the first place? Good question, but if you know me at all you know that I can't leave well enough alone. I wanted to keep it going. I thought I wanted to tell him two things. One was that I have done something positive as a result of all the negative stuff between us and I wanted to encourage him to do the same thing. The other was to tell him that I still believe in him, and that I hoped he still believed in me. I honestly didn't think he wouldn't want to talk to me. That hurts. It's understandable and it's fair -- but it hurts nonetheless. It is the ultimate in rejection and abandonment, and I guess it's what I need in order to stop obsessing eventually. Ouch.

My thought after he didn't call was that I could mail him a letter, telling him what I want to tell him. I am going to work on it tonight and see what George thinks tomorrow.

This is after I meet the 52 year old Internet date tonight. 52? That's really reaching.

2006-03-21T15:54:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to the interview with Daniel, the new group therapist. The office is in the basement of a church in Berkeley, kind of a sad little place with worn industrial carpeting, low ceilings, mismatched cheap furniture, a few neglected plants, and kids' toys here and there. I found myself fantasizing about an HGTV makeover for this place, all they need is the Design on a Dime team.

I was all choked up. Daniel asked me the first question, why was I there, and I couldn't speak. I think it's that I feel so sorry for myself for having to be there in the first place. I am so sad over this failed relationship -- I miss him and I wish I was in a happy relationship but I don't have the skills. So I am in a sorry little church basement signing up for a "find your inner child" therapy group instead of having dinner with a man who loves me.

I know. Self pity.

I am trying to look on the positive side. If it weren't for this failed relationship I wouldn't be looking for help, and I need to get better. I am lucky that it happened. And if I'm really lucky it won't happen again. Please god.

2006-03-21T15:50:00.000-08:00

Does 20 minutes pumping strength machines count as a workout? What if you add a 15 minute walk at lunch?

2006-03-20T18:20:00.000-08:00

Today I'm in Berkeley and I'm going to be interviewed for a therapy group. The interview is a requirement before I can join the group. They want to see if I will fit in, and they want to see if the therapist can help me. If I am approved it will mean I have 2 therapists and still no house cleaner.

This group is going to help me work on my co-dependence. I'm hoping I can beat whatever makes me find and fall for guys who are seriously broken. Finding them isn't all that easy but falling for them seems like a piece of cake.

I read a little bit about their methods and it sounds like a lot of Berkeley hoo-ha but I'm willing to try. It's Tuesday nights from 7 to 9 -- yowsa that's a lot of time to devote.

I've been spending cycles today trying to decide what to do with the tickets to Britt Daniel that I bought to surprise him. The show is sold out and I have plenty of people from Craig's List who will buy them. I have four tickets and I am tempted to just sell 2 and go to the show. There is a guy from Nerve that I think would be psyched to go with me, and I think the show will be fantastic.

It may be bad form to go and have even the tiniest risk that he will be there (but he won't be there, I'm almost sure). It may also put bad ju-ju on the new guy. But on the other hand it might be freeing for me -- putting him in the past and moving on. I'm more than a little curious about what might happen.

I am also wondering why I am spending time thinking about it. Maybe I'm still obsessing. Maybe selling the tickets will be a way to just get past all this (versus spending another 10 days until the show thinking, thinking, thinking).

The answer is just totally obvious, isn't it? NO. IT'S. NOT. Maybe this is a great question to pose to therapist no. 2 tonight. :)