Standing Facing the Wall
I am really having trouble working today and yesterday and the day before. I lack motivation. Between PMS and my preoccupation with the relationship that still won't die, I am not concerned at all with the presentations and executive communication that I am supposed to be churning out.
I'm waiting for him to call me at around 3. He called me earlier but he was in Sausalito with his partner, doing something, and we couldn't really talk. Today I am going to tell him that we shouldn't talk any more. We should stop talking. It messes with me too much to have the door open between us. As long as he is in my life I will not be able to move on and meet someone else. And since he is still not willing to stop seeing other people I need to move on.
I got an HIV test yesterday and the results don't come until Monday. Maybe Friday though. I changed my name to be anonymous, and I'm not sure why I did that. I was talking to my friend Ed a couple of weeks ago and he mentioned having taken a test recently and how scary it was to wait for the results. I don't really feel scared but I know what he means all the same. I can't imagine what life would be like if I were HIV+.
Last night A and I went and had 2 bottles of wine at Americano, which is a fancy after-work bar down on the Embarcadero. It was so rainy and gray outside yesteday, so dark and depressing. We picked another friend up in a cab on the way home -- she had been to see her therapist and she was terribly upset about her ex-girlfriend. We brought her back to my place and made tea and talked about it all. Seems like there are so many relationships in this world that are so messed up.
I wish I could fall asleep and take a nap right now.
I haven't called my friend B back and she called me on Friday. I really don't want to talk to her. It's amazing how I can be so mean. She is the one who IMed me to say she is upset with me, and she called a few days after that and I just never called her back. I don't want to talk about all of the existential bullshit. I don't want to talk about what's going on with me, or with her, or between us. I just don't care. I might be able to call tomorrow.
I also haven't called my sister-in-law and that's mean too. She and my brother really care about me but I just don't want to talk about anything. Avoid. That always works, right.
I'm waiting for him to call me at around 3. He called me earlier but he was in Sausalito with his partner, doing something, and we couldn't really talk. Today I am going to tell him that we shouldn't talk any more. We should stop talking. It messes with me too much to have the door open between us. As long as he is in my life I will not be able to move on and meet someone else. And since he is still not willing to stop seeing other people I need to move on.
I got an HIV test yesterday and the results don't come until Monday. Maybe Friday though. I changed my name to be anonymous, and I'm not sure why I did that. I was talking to my friend Ed a couple of weeks ago and he mentioned having taken a test recently and how scary it was to wait for the results. I don't really feel scared but I know what he means all the same. I can't imagine what life would be like if I were HIV+.
Last night A and I went and had 2 bottles of wine at Americano, which is a fancy after-work bar down on the Embarcadero. It was so rainy and gray outside yesteday, so dark and depressing. We picked another friend up in a cab on the way home -- she had been to see her therapist and she was terribly upset about her ex-girlfriend. We brought her back to my place and made tea and talked about it all. Seems like there are so many relationships in this world that are so messed up.
I wish I could fall asleep and take a nap right now.
I haven't called my friend B back and she called me on Friday. I really don't want to talk to her. It's amazing how I can be so mean. She is the one who IMed me to say she is upset with me, and she called a few days after that and I just never called her back. I don't want to talk about all of the existential bullshit. I don't want to talk about what's going on with me, or with her, or between us. I just don't care. I might be able to call tomorrow.
I also haven't called my sister-in-law and that's mean too. She and my brother really care about me but I just don't want to talk about anything. Avoid. That always works, right.
posted by Ponygirl at 1:48 PM
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