There was a but after all
I'd like to think that I played this one by the book. I met Josh, offered him friendship, didn't sleep with him, talked to him about my thoughts and feelings, compromised on the things that aren't too important, listened to him with compassion and understanding, and in the end there was still a but.
He cancelled on me at 6:15 on Thursday night, said he didn't feel up to going out. That's the second time he's cancelled at the last possible minute -- he let the whole day go by and then stood me up. On the phone with me he was off on a diatribe about traffic and people in his lane and he wasn't going to be able to find a parking place and he wasn't letting me say much of anything. I did tell him I was frustrated because I had left work early to be home at 6:30 for him but I could tell he wasn't listening to me. I decided to talk to him about it when he was in another frame of mind.
So I tried talking to him on Friday, but he was out shopping and was not really focused on our conversation. Same thing happened Saturday morning...he was out walking and doing errands and wasn't focused on our conversation, kept interrupting me, and I didn't feel right trying to bring up anything of weight. I asked him if he would call me back when he got home and he said he didn't know when he'd have time. I told him I was frustrated because he seemed distracted lately and I just wanted to have his full attention. He said he would call back around 5.
He called when he said he would and he told me that he didn't think this whole thing between us would work out, that he thinks I want more than he can give, and that he didn't want to feel like he had frustrated and disappointed me. I could go on but it's all along the same theme. He said he has to take care of himself and that means being selfish. He also said he's still got feelings around the break-up of his marriage and that is leading him to keep me at arm's length. (Karuna)
You know what? That's all I need to hear. I want more than he can give, if giving means being open to a relationship, present for a conversation, and doing your best to work through a problem. We talked yesterday and again today and we both got a chance to say how we feel and we even worked out the frustrating conversation issue but it didn't matter. He said he likes me and felt a connection but this fight happened too early in the relationship and it's not going to work. I agree.
I'm angry with myself today. (Maitra) I picked Josh out of 16 other men and damned if he didn't end up being available only on his terms. All I can do is try again. And again. And again. I feel like I try things different each time but I end up in the same place. I thought I was trying something new with Josh -- I believed he's not like other men I've dated, but that's not really true. He's a lot like other men I've dated who are not available for one reason or another.
Speaking of unavailable men, Keith left a message on my phone last night. What's that, about 7 weeks later? That's unfortunately pretty much what I expected from him.
In other news, I wrenched my back trying to lift something heavy and am wearing a brace for a week or so. Sucks.
In more other news, Kevin's in jail again and asking me for money and some kind of support when he gets out so that he doesn't have to go back on the street. John got his mentally ill, drug-addicted girlfriend pregnant (this will be her fifth child...where are the other four??) and he wants me to welcome her into the family. He also totaled his uninsured car...I'm pretty sure he's wrapped up in crystal meth again. I hate this part of my life, and I want my life to change. It's a no-win situation...cutting off my family doesn't work and continually hearing about their bad choices makes me angry. I'm not willing to continue to support them so that they can continue to make bad choices. Telling them "I'm sorry things are so hard for you" is about all I will do after twenty years of this. There is a difference between helping and enabling, and I can't help either one of them.
They have both had years to change course and yet end up in the same place over and over. So in the spirit of Carrie Bradshaw I ask, do people change? Really? Despite the work I've done on relationships I don't believe my outcomes have changed. Do people change? I'm awfully skeptical.
He cancelled on me at 6:15 on Thursday night, said he didn't feel up to going out. That's the second time he's cancelled at the last possible minute -- he let the whole day go by and then stood me up. On the phone with me he was off on a diatribe about traffic and people in his lane and he wasn't going to be able to find a parking place and he wasn't letting me say much of anything. I did tell him I was frustrated because I had left work early to be home at 6:30 for him but I could tell he wasn't listening to me. I decided to talk to him about it when he was in another frame of mind.
So I tried talking to him on Friday, but he was out shopping and was not really focused on our conversation. Same thing happened Saturday morning...he was out walking and doing errands and wasn't focused on our conversation, kept interrupting me, and I didn't feel right trying to bring up anything of weight. I asked him if he would call me back when he got home and he said he didn't know when he'd have time. I told him I was frustrated because he seemed distracted lately and I just wanted to have his full attention. He said he would call back around 5.
He called when he said he would and he told me that he didn't think this whole thing between us would work out, that he thinks I want more than he can give, and that he didn't want to feel like he had frustrated and disappointed me. I could go on but it's all along the same theme. He said he has to take care of himself and that means being selfish. He also said he's still got feelings around the break-up of his marriage and that is leading him to keep me at arm's length. (Karuna)
You know what? That's all I need to hear. I want more than he can give, if giving means being open to a relationship, present for a conversation, and doing your best to work through a problem. We talked yesterday and again today and we both got a chance to say how we feel and we even worked out the frustrating conversation issue but it didn't matter. He said he likes me and felt a connection but this fight happened too early in the relationship and it's not going to work. I agree.
I'm angry with myself today. (Maitra) I picked Josh out of 16 other men and damned if he didn't end up being available only on his terms. All I can do is try again. And again. And again. I feel like I try things different each time but I end up in the same place. I thought I was trying something new with Josh -- I believed he's not like other men I've dated, but that's not really true. He's a lot like other men I've dated who are not available for one reason or another.
Speaking of unavailable men, Keith left a message on my phone last night. What's that, about 7 weeks later? That's unfortunately pretty much what I expected from him.
In other news, I wrenched my back trying to lift something heavy and am wearing a brace for a week or so. Sucks.
In more other news, Kevin's in jail again and asking me for money and some kind of support when he gets out so that he doesn't have to go back on the street. John got his mentally ill, drug-addicted girlfriend pregnant (this will be her fifth child...where are the other four??) and he wants me to welcome her into the family. He also totaled his uninsured car...I'm pretty sure he's wrapped up in crystal meth again. I hate this part of my life, and I want my life to change. It's a no-win situation...cutting off my family doesn't work and continually hearing about their bad choices makes me angry. I'm not willing to continue to support them so that they can continue to make bad choices. Telling them "I'm sorry things are so hard for you" is about all I will do after twenty years of this. There is a difference between helping and enabling, and I can't help either one of them.
They have both had years to change course and yet end up in the same place over and over. So in the spirit of Carrie Bradshaw I ask, do people change? Really? Despite the work I've done on relationships I don't believe my outcomes have changed. Do people change? I'm awfully skeptical.
posted by Ponygirl at 6:10 PM
1 Comments:
Friend. I'm sorry the Josh thing didn't work out, but it sounds like you're in a good place about it anyway. I do want to remind you that you ARE/WERE doing something differently with him... you are just going to have to keep doing THAT until you find the right guy to do THAT with, kapeesh?!
So sorry to hear about J and K. Man. I think your approach is the right one though.
Thinking of you and sending you love,
J
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