There is no but
Yesterday I had about thirty meetings back to back with different people in San Jose and oh yes I am taking care of business.
After work I called Josh and he was upset with me because it was after 6:30 and I wouldn't get home until 7:30 and he has an early bedtime! and I am coming home so late! but I cancelled other plans to spend time with you Josh and we didn't agree on a time to meet! and I didn't know you have an early bedtime! We actually managed to get past the problem without any damage at all. I credit my new interpersonal skills, learned from the Berkeley group, and my vow to not react from the Buddhism, and I credit Josh for also having interpersonal skills that allow him to see my side too and look for a way out. It felt really good to solve the problem by just talking it out. It may seem minor but these skirmishes are how I get into trouble.
I got home at 7:30 and Josh brought me a burrito and we just hung out in my kitchen talking. (n.b., I invited him to Lake Tahoe for the weekend of 11/10 and he said he will come.) Before he left he said next time he wants to talk to me about our relationship. He wants to make sure I understand who he is and where he's coming from and oh boy did I get nervous because Keith sat in that same chair and said the same opening line and Keith broke my heart.
Josh said he is really enjoying spending time together. That talking to me is one of the best ways he spends his time. That he has appreciated getting to know each other. And I am sitting there nodding my head and saying uh-huh and me too and then he stops. And I raise my eyebrows. And I say: is there a 'but' coming? because I feel like there is a 'but' coming. But he just smiles and shakes his head. There is no but. He just wants to tell me what's on his mind. Josh is not Keith. He communicates.
I wonder if he's dangerous enough. I've been reading Stephen Mitchell who describes the dichotomy of danger and stability that must be present in love, and how people's gauge of danger and stability in a person is ever-changing. I believe I seek liberal amounts of danger at first and then I want a 180-degree shift into stability. Most of my boyfriends can serve up the danger but they can't serve up the stability and I'm stuck without it. The ones who can serve up the stability just can't muster the danger and they get rejected.
I'm choosing a different path with Josh. He is not dangerous in the way that Tad-the-player was or Keith-don't-touch-my-heart was and I think that is why I do not feel that wild desire, pounding heart, and fluttering stomach that I felt for Keith and Tad and ALL THE OTHER GUYS WHO BROKE MY FUCKING HEART. On the flip side I get this reassuring communication and he actually said a couple of times that he does not want to disappoint me. In all my experience I believe no one has ever said that. So where is the danger with Josh? There must be a little bit there or else I wouldn't find him attractive.
I bet in the same way I have experienced a 180 in the past, so will I experience a 180 in this relationship. (I think stability will quickly give way to huge danger if/when I give my heart to him.) And that if/when this happens the fluttering stomach and pounding heart will show up. I just have a feeling. That's enough for now.
After work I called Josh and he was upset with me because it was after 6:30 and I wouldn't get home until 7:30 and he has an early bedtime! and I am coming home so late! but I cancelled other plans to spend time with you Josh and we didn't agree on a time to meet! and I didn't know you have an early bedtime! We actually managed to get past the problem without any damage at all. I credit my new interpersonal skills, learned from the Berkeley group, and my vow to not react from the Buddhism, and I credit Josh for also having interpersonal skills that allow him to see my side too and look for a way out. It felt really good to solve the problem by just talking it out. It may seem minor but these skirmishes are how I get into trouble.
I got home at 7:30 and Josh brought me a burrito and we just hung out in my kitchen talking. (n.b., I invited him to Lake Tahoe for the weekend of 11/10 and he said he will come.) Before he left he said next time he wants to talk to me about our relationship. He wants to make sure I understand who he is and where he's coming from and oh boy did I get nervous because Keith sat in that same chair and said the same opening line and Keith broke my heart.
Josh said he is really enjoying spending time together. That talking to me is one of the best ways he spends his time. That he has appreciated getting to know each other. And I am sitting there nodding my head and saying uh-huh and me too and then he stops. And I raise my eyebrows. And I say: is there a 'but' coming? because I feel like there is a 'but' coming. But he just smiles and shakes his head. There is no but. He just wants to tell me what's on his mind. Josh is not Keith. He communicates.
I wonder if he's dangerous enough. I've been reading Stephen Mitchell who describes the dichotomy of danger and stability that must be present in love, and how people's gauge of danger and stability in a person is ever-changing. I believe I seek liberal amounts of danger at first and then I want a 180-degree shift into stability. Most of my boyfriends can serve up the danger but they can't serve up the stability and I'm stuck without it. The ones who can serve up the stability just can't muster the danger and they get rejected.
I'm choosing a different path with Josh. He is not dangerous in the way that Tad-the-player was or Keith-don't-touch-my-heart was and I think that is why I do not feel that wild desire, pounding heart, and fluttering stomach that I felt for Keith and Tad and ALL THE OTHER GUYS WHO BROKE MY FUCKING HEART. On the flip side I get this reassuring communication and he actually said a couple of times that he does not want to disappoint me. In all my experience I believe no one has ever said that. So where is the danger with Josh? There must be a little bit there or else I wouldn't find him attractive.
I bet in the same way I have experienced a 180 in the past, so will I experience a 180 in this relationship. (I think stability will quickly give way to huge danger if/when I give my heart to him.) And that if/when this happens the fluttering stomach and pounding heart will show up. I just have a feeling. That's enough for now.
posted by Ponygirl at 7:18 AM
1 Comments:
Sister. Stay the course. Haven't you ever heard me talk about my relationship with J vs. K? J was all stormy wind swept rocky sea cliffs with one wild orchid growing despite the... the STORMINESS of it all. K is described as a working farm. Crops get planted, they grow, they get harvested, repeat. I am here to tell you that the working farm is what you want in your life. The danger is just too much chaos and stress. I love that you are getting to know Josh. If he can become your best friend, the very best friend you EVER had, then he is the person you should be with forever. A commitment to a life partnership is a REALLY LONG TERM contract. Danger, attraction, sex are all small parts of the long haul. You want the bestest friend ever because over the long term sex and danger will become something relatively unimportant.
Stay the course my friend. See where this goes. Open your mind, your heart and your burrito bag.
I love you.
J
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