Meditation on Faith and Religion
Simple statement. I believe the four noble truths are true:
My sense that I am suffering points me to going back to the Zen Center, and soon! I haven't been to the Zen discussion group since I met Patrick and started extending my weekends in Tahoe into Monday. Now that I'm home again on Monday nights I just haven't resumed the habit of walking to Haight and Laguna for a reminder of what is important to me. I think Saturday morning will find me sitting zazen at the Zen Center.
Faith is elusive to many and yet I'm pretty sure I have always had it in one form or another. I think it's faith that has sustained me through every setback in life, and there have been many. It's religion that I have found and lost and found again.
I used to think of my faith in Catholic terms, but the stories of the bible did not offer the insight that I craved, the self-righteousness of Christian leaders turned me off, the exclusivity of heaven and hell seemed like something greedy people devised, and the misogyny inherent in bible stories all led to my rejection of Christian faith.
I stopped supporting Christian ideals in my 20's and eventually questioned whether there is a god at all. It was a slow emergency, a crisis of faith that played out over ten years.
My usual habit of saying prayers at night became troublesome. The guilt I felt at rejecting Christianity threatened my personal relationship with a higher power. I couldn't separate God from Jesus, Mary, and Judas. Though I had been taught to pray as a child, in my 20's I stopped. It meant I no longer reflected with intent on what was in my mind and heart. I did not take time out to consciously practice compassion for myself and others through prayer.
I spent years in a state of confusion about spirituality. I was taught that there is a black-and-white choice between Christianity and -- well, hell. Given that absolute choice, at the time I was choosing hell because I rejected Christianity. I was trying to rationalize that choice in my mind and I began to entirely reject God.
Meanwhile, I believed I invented my own religion and I called it the Church of Kindness. Or the Church of Nature. I found energy in a daily appreciation of the beauty of acts of kindness, those I performed or observed. I was always conscious of the beauty of nature: the shape or the fragrance of a tree, the song or quick movements of a bird, the color of a flower, the sense of a breeze or cool water.
These observations touched that spirituality inside me and brought me joy over the beauty, the intricacy, the rightness of life. But I can't say that faith sustained me.
I love the saying from AA that I had a god-sized hole in my heart, because for me it's true. I think losing my religion was a damn shame. It could have gone another way, one where I studied and found the insight that I know exists in the bible, where I found a community of Christians who acknowledged hypocrisy and self-righteousness, where I transcended the words of the parables that slander women. Nah, probably not. For me, Catholicism and Christianity was too tied up in the shame of my youth, and I believe I wanted to find my own way.
My interest in Eastern religions began when I was 23 or 24 but it was only ten years later that I began to learn the tolerance, the tenets of Buddhism. All beings are connected by energy...this I knew because it was also one of my tenets of the Church of Kindness and the Church of Nature. When I learned about the four noble truths and the eight-fold path I rejoiced in a way of living and a way of believing that brought me insight, compassion, and understanding. Hypocrisy and self-righteousness are still dangers but I understand them more from a place of compassion and imperfect-ness so they lose their power.
While my spiritual practice is all but unrecognizable to Buddhists, it is a practice that sustains me. For that I am very grateful. I have no ill feelings toward Christianity. I just chose another path, one that works for me. Sort of like the choice between a Chevy and a Ford. Hard to say whether one's better than the other but whatever works.
I just took forty-five minutes to write this despite so many unfinished tasks for work and PEOPLE! I feel so much better about starting my day. It is good to stop and remember that the way out of suffering is meditation. I love the way life works. I absolutely love it.
- Life is suffering.
- The origin of suffering is craving.
- It is possible to end suffering.
- The way to end suffering is through the eight-fold path, which is about living within the right view, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration.
My sense that I am suffering points me to going back to the Zen Center, and soon! I haven't been to the Zen discussion group since I met Patrick and started extending my weekends in Tahoe into Monday. Now that I'm home again on Monday nights I just haven't resumed the habit of walking to Haight and Laguna for a reminder of what is important to me. I think Saturday morning will find me sitting zazen at the Zen Center.
Faith is elusive to many and yet I'm pretty sure I have always had it in one form or another. I think it's faith that has sustained me through every setback in life, and there have been many. It's religion that I have found and lost and found again.
I used to think of my faith in Catholic terms, but the stories of the bible did not offer the insight that I craved, the self-righteousness of Christian leaders turned me off, the exclusivity of heaven and hell seemed like something greedy people devised, and the misogyny inherent in bible stories all led to my rejection of Christian faith.
I stopped supporting Christian ideals in my 20's and eventually questioned whether there is a god at all. It was a slow emergency, a crisis of faith that played out over ten years.
My usual habit of saying prayers at night became troublesome. The guilt I felt at rejecting Christianity threatened my personal relationship with a higher power. I couldn't separate God from Jesus, Mary, and Judas. Though I had been taught to pray as a child, in my 20's I stopped. It meant I no longer reflected with intent on what was in my mind and heart. I did not take time out to consciously practice compassion for myself and others through prayer.
I spent years in a state of confusion about spirituality. I was taught that there is a black-and-white choice between Christianity and -- well, hell. Given that absolute choice, at the time I was choosing hell because I rejected Christianity. I was trying to rationalize that choice in my mind and I began to entirely reject God.
Meanwhile, I believed I invented my own religion and I called it the Church of Kindness. Or the Church of Nature. I found energy in a daily appreciation of the beauty of acts of kindness, those I performed or observed. I was always conscious of the beauty of nature: the shape or the fragrance of a tree, the song or quick movements of a bird, the color of a flower, the sense of a breeze or cool water.
These observations touched that spirituality inside me and brought me joy over the beauty, the intricacy, the rightness of life. But I can't say that faith sustained me.
I love the saying from AA that I had a god-sized hole in my heart, because for me it's true. I think losing my religion was a damn shame. It could have gone another way, one where I studied and found the insight that I know exists in the bible, where I found a community of Christians who acknowledged hypocrisy and self-righteousness, where I transcended the words of the parables that slander women. Nah, probably not. For me, Catholicism and Christianity was too tied up in the shame of my youth, and I believe I wanted to find my own way.
My interest in Eastern religions began when I was 23 or 24 but it was only ten years later that I began to learn the tolerance, the tenets of Buddhism. All beings are connected by energy...this I knew because it was also one of my tenets of the Church of Kindness and the Church of Nature. When I learned about the four noble truths and the eight-fold path I rejoiced in a way of living and a way of believing that brought me insight, compassion, and understanding. Hypocrisy and self-righteousness are still dangers but I understand them more from a place of compassion and imperfect-ness so they lose their power.
While my spiritual practice is all but unrecognizable to Buddhists, it is a practice that sustains me. For that I am very grateful. I have no ill feelings toward Christianity. I just chose another path, one that works for me. Sort of like the choice between a Chevy and a Ford. Hard to say whether one's better than the other but whatever works.
I just took forty-five minutes to write this despite so many unfinished tasks for work and PEOPLE! I feel so much better about starting my day. It is good to stop and remember that the way out of suffering is meditation. I love the way life works. I absolutely love it.
Labels: faith
posted by Ponygirl at 6:56 AM
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