He's Just Not That Into You
A full month has gone by since my last post. The summer is half over and I have been LAME when it comes to this blog thing. So to make up for it, here is a long one about:
The relationship. Still on. Surprisingly, we are getting along well, but only because I have internalized the ability to REMAIN CALM. K tells me he is not boyfriend material, but he wants me to be his girlfriend. (?) My strategy is to remain calm while he acts out all of his bad-boy behavior, which manifests itself regularly. Am I wrong to think that his last relationship, which ended more than 8 years ago, has made him unable to trust in a new relationship? He's 36 and has not had a girlfriend since. I can't figure out how come he was able to get my number, call me for a date, and ultimately begin a relationship, but freak out entirely a couple months later when the relationship moves to a sexual one. He was the model guy until we got that far, called regularly, arranged dates, dropped off little cards with sweet messages, gave me plenty of attention. Since then he has pulled away from me every time we seem to connect.
For instance, we get together and have a great dinner, he plays some new music, we watch a video of a Japanese punk band, show each other our punk-rock dance styles and fall over laughing. We go to bed and in the heat of the moment he looks at me and says "God I'm lucky."
Then I don't hear from him for 10 days. When I do talk to him, I employ my strategy and remain calm, whereas before I would have started harassing him by phone and email at day 3, obsessing about it completely by day 7, and would have broken up with him on day 10.
This time, when he calls on day 10, he doesn't mention the fact that so much time has passed. What he does is talk with me for a couple of hours, sharing his thoughts about life strategies. And I think this is significant, because the guy has so many walls built around his inner thoughts and experiences.
He tells me something about a girl he knew, a younger sister of one of his childhood friends, and how another friend ended up dating her in high school. How it's strange for the guy to ask her out because they had all grown up together. I tease him about it, saying I detect some lingering regrets on his part, and I immediately sense the door closing on the discussion. He is so sensitive, seems to be afraid of rebuke on a personal level. I know the last relationship ended with the girl breaking up with him, telling him he will never be anything but a loser. And in his words, humiliating him in front of all of their friends. I know he ended his friendships with all of the people they knew together, despite the value of those friendships to him. And he's never let them back into his life, although some of them keep trying as much as 8 years later. Afraid of rebuke on a personal level? What do you think?
My remaining calm about the phone calls, or lack of phone calls, doesn't make sense to my friends. EVERY ONE of them brings up the book "He's Just Not That Into You." I read it, and it made sense to me at the time. I talked to K about it and he said if I believe that, I am generalizing about men in a way that is just small-minded. I think he's right. So does my therapist, if that means anything. If a guy behaves some way, you can't look at a book and divine the motivation behind the behavior. Maybe he has a reason why he is not calling, and it has nothing to do with how he feels about the girl.
I think about a personal example, a guy I was dating when I was only about 24. I was broke at the time. Couldn't pay my rent. And this guy was great -- fun to be with, seemed to like me a lot. He would take me out, pay for everything, every time. And I couldn't take it, I felt like a loser. I didn't know how to handle the relationship, didn't have the skills to confront the topic with him, didn't know what to do. So you know what I did? I pulled away from him and eventually broke up with him. It's not that I didn't like him -- I DID! But I had my own personal problems and a complete lack of relationship skills, so that's how that happened.
I think K doesn't call for similar reasons (even though I don't know yet what they are). But I have faith that he cares about me. Deeply. And so I plan to remain calm for as long as it takes for him to trust me, however long it takes.
The relationship. Still on. Surprisingly, we are getting along well, but only because I have internalized the ability to REMAIN CALM. K tells me he is not boyfriend material, but he wants me to be his girlfriend. (?) My strategy is to remain calm while he acts out all of his bad-boy behavior, which manifests itself regularly. Am I wrong to think that his last relationship, which ended more than 8 years ago, has made him unable to trust in a new relationship? He's 36 and has not had a girlfriend since. I can't figure out how come he was able to get my number, call me for a date, and ultimately begin a relationship, but freak out entirely a couple months later when the relationship moves to a sexual one. He was the model guy until we got that far, called regularly, arranged dates, dropped off little cards with sweet messages, gave me plenty of attention. Since then he has pulled away from me every time we seem to connect.
For instance, we get together and have a great dinner, he plays some new music, we watch a video of a Japanese punk band, show each other our punk-rock dance styles and fall over laughing. We go to bed and in the heat of the moment he looks at me and says "God I'm lucky."
Then I don't hear from him for 10 days. When I do talk to him, I employ my strategy and remain calm, whereas before I would have started harassing him by phone and email at day 3, obsessing about it completely by day 7, and would have broken up with him on day 10.
This time, when he calls on day 10, he doesn't mention the fact that so much time has passed. What he does is talk with me for a couple of hours, sharing his thoughts about life strategies. And I think this is significant, because the guy has so many walls built around his inner thoughts and experiences.
He tells me something about a girl he knew, a younger sister of one of his childhood friends, and how another friend ended up dating her in high school. How it's strange for the guy to ask her out because they had all grown up together. I tease him about it, saying I detect some lingering regrets on his part, and I immediately sense the door closing on the discussion. He is so sensitive, seems to be afraid of rebuke on a personal level. I know the last relationship ended with the girl breaking up with him, telling him he will never be anything but a loser. And in his words, humiliating him in front of all of their friends. I know he ended his friendships with all of the people they knew together, despite the value of those friendships to him. And he's never let them back into his life, although some of them keep trying as much as 8 years later. Afraid of rebuke on a personal level? What do you think?
My remaining calm about the phone calls, or lack of phone calls, doesn't make sense to my friends. EVERY ONE of them brings up the book "He's Just Not That Into You." I read it, and it made sense to me at the time. I talked to K about it and he said if I believe that, I am generalizing about men in a way that is just small-minded. I think he's right. So does my therapist, if that means anything. If a guy behaves some way, you can't look at a book and divine the motivation behind the behavior. Maybe he has a reason why he is not calling, and it has nothing to do with how he feels about the girl.
I think about a personal example, a guy I was dating when I was only about 24. I was broke at the time. Couldn't pay my rent. And this guy was great -- fun to be with, seemed to like me a lot. He would take me out, pay for everything, every time. And I couldn't take it, I felt like a loser. I didn't know how to handle the relationship, didn't have the skills to confront the topic with him, didn't know what to do. So you know what I did? I pulled away from him and eventually broke up with him. It's not that I didn't like him -- I DID! But I had my own personal problems and a complete lack of relationship skills, so that's how that happened.
I think K doesn't call for similar reasons (even though I don't know yet what they are). But I have faith that he cares about me. Deeply. And so I plan to remain calm for as long as it takes for him to trust me, however long it takes.
posted by Ponygirl at 12:43 PM
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