The Nightengales Are Singing...The Song of Breaking Up
One thing that is wrong with me on a base level is that I don't have the ability to connect what I am feeling emotionally with the events happening to me and around me. This is a problem, something deep inside me, and I need to fix it, or at least get better at managing.
The way it affects me is that I go along in life, always doing the best I can, and without too much adversity I can manage my life. I think I usually do a pretty good job with that. I have managed to overcome a lot of the damage that happened to me as a kid.
I have good friends who are smart, wise in many ways, interesting, kind, and they are good people. And they love me. I have these friends because my family has never been a means of support for me. Because of the way I grew up, people in my family are all damaged and we all suffer from feeling like losers. Some more than others. But I suffer from being told when I was a kid that I was stupid, a liar, unimportant, unlovable because of the way I behaved.
What happened to me, I think, is that I believed that. I believed I would fail, and that I would never do anything good. I have always felt like a fraud as I went along pretending that I am someone with something to offer, that what I personally value is worth caring about, and that I can be successful. Inside I am totally insecure, and I am afraid that I will be revealed as the very person I was told I would end up being, a loser. It's the voice in my head that tells me I am no good.
Over time I have learned to tell the voice in my head to shut up. I am not a liar. I am not stupid. I am not unimportant. I am not unlovable.
My friends have done that for me. I know they love me for my quirky way of looking at life. For my way of picking myself up and keeping on no matter what knocks me down, whether it's the death of my mother, having no money in college & after and no one to fall back on, the fact that my dad didn't talk to me for years and told me I was bad and only cared about myself, the way I keep trying to be a good example and a good listener for my little brother, for getting past being fired from my job and coming to California and doing better than I ever could have in Atlanta, for staying upbeat even when I'm dealing with a lot of gnarly things all at one time. For being generous with anyone who needs a helping hand. For looking for some good part in everyone, no matter what they have done in life, good or bad. But down deep I always think they give me too much credit.
When too much adversity hits me at one time, when I have trouble with money, work, home life, and relationships all at one time, that voice in my head gets mean, starts getting real hard on me. It starts to tell me that I am a loser. Fifty times a day I hear god you are stupid. You are going to fail, no doubt about it. You are failing right now. You are going to end up nowhere. You're going to lose everything you have and it's no surprise. You have never been any good. You are such a loser.
That's what has been happening with me lately. I have problems with money that have been worrying me for months, and I don't know how they are going to work themselves out. I am afraid I can't pay my mortgage and I have been buiding up credit card debt, which is a cardinal sin in the way I do things. I am afraid I made a huge mistake taking on the responsibility of the house in Tahoe and I really need to do something to make that work a little better, but it's not that simple and I feel overwhelmed.
My little brother has me worried out of my mind. He is homeless again and he is going to die. And I can't help him. I am crying uncontrollably right now. I love him so much and he is in such pain and I can't help him. He's my baby brother and he is such a sweet person, but so sick and alone and I can't help him.
These are things that are just the baseline of my worries. Normally I can handle this much adversity in my life. It's not outside the range of normal for me.
Five things happened to me last week that sent me flailing. These things don't seem very important by themselves, and normally I could just roll with it, but they ganged up on me and I reacted. I don't know if it is because I had my period and my emotions were off kilter, or because I was just at a low energy point, or if it's just a cycle of my ability to cope because I seem to get really down every three or four months. I don't know what it is, but I just know that sometimes I don't have the strength to face it all. On Friday I let it all out on Keith. He didn't react with kindness.
The relationship with Keith ended tonight and I am mortally sad. But I know I was just hanging on to the hope that my love could reach him. What I found out, what I knew was true all along, is that he is just another guy I fell in love with who could never love me.
I vow to maintain hope. I will find someone who will love me.
I think there is a nightengale outside my apartment, singing. Are there nightengales in San Francisco, or only in novels? I don't care, I think it is a good sign.
The way it affects me is that I go along in life, always doing the best I can, and without too much adversity I can manage my life. I think I usually do a pretty good job with that. I have managed to overcome a lot of the damage that happened to me as a kid.
I have good friends who are smart, wise in many ways, interesting, kind, and they are good people. And they love me. I have these friends because my family has never been a means of support for me. Because of the way I grew up, people in my family are all damaged and we all suffer from feeling like losers. Some more than others. But I suffer from being told when I was a kid that I was stupid, a liar, unimportant, unlovable because of the way I behaved.
What happened to me, I think, is that I believed that. I believed I would fail, and that I would never do anything good. I have always felt like a fraud as I went along pretending that I am someone with something to offer, that what I personally value is worth caring about, and that I can be successful. Inside I am totally insecure, and I am afraid that I will be revealed as the very person I was told I would end up being, a loser. It's the voice in my head that tells me I am no good.
Over time I have learned to tell the voice in my head to shut up. I am not a liar. I am not stupid. I am not unimportant. I am not unlovable.
My friends have done that for me. I know they love me for my quirky way of looking at life. For my way of picking myself up and keeping on no matter what knocks me down, whether it's the death of my mother, having no money in college & after and no one to fall back on, the fact that my dad didn't talk to me for years and told me I was bad and only cared about myself, the way I keep trying to be a good example and a good listener for my little brother, for getting past being fired from my job and coming to California and doing better than I ever could have in Atlanta, for staying upbeat even when I'm dealing with a lot of gnarly things all at one time. For being generous with anyone who needs a helping hand. For looking for some good part in everyone, no matter what they have done in life, good or bad. But down deep I always think they give me too much credit.
When too much adversity hits me at one time, when I have trouble with money, work, home life, and relationships all at one time, that voice in my head gets mean, starts getting real hard on me. It starts to tell me that I am a loser. Fifty times a day I hear god you are stupid. You are going to fail, no doubt about it. You are failing right now. You are going to end up nowhere. You're going to lose everything you have and it's no surprise. You have never been any good. You are such a loser.
That's what has been happening with me lately. I have problems with money that have been worrying me for months, and I don't know how they are going to work themselves out. I am afraid I can't pay my mortgage and I have been buiding up credit card debt, which is a cardinal sin in the way I do things. I am afraid I made a huge mistake taking on the responsibility of the house in Tahoe and I really need to do something to make that work a little better, but it's not that simple and I feel overwhelmed.
My little brother has me worried out of my mind. He is homeless again and he is going to die. And I can't help him. I am crying uncontrollably right now. I love him so much and he is in such pain and I can't help him. He's my baby brother and he is such a sweet person, but so sick and alone and I can't help him.
These are things that are just the baseline of my worries. Normally I can handle this much adversity in my life. It's not outside the range of normal for me.
Five things happened to me last week that sent me flailing. These things don't seem very important by themselves, and normally I could just roll with it, but they ganged up on me and I reacted. I don't know if it is because I had my period and my emotions were off kilter, or because I was just at a low energy point, or if it's just a cycle of my ability to cope because I seem to get really down every three or four months. I don't know what it is, but I just know that sometimes I don't have the strength to face it all. On Friday I let it all out on Keith. He didn't react with kindness.
The relationship with Keith ended tonight and I am mortally sad. But I know I was just hanging on to the hope that my love could reach him. What I found out, what I knew was true all along, is that he is just another guy I fell in love with who could never love me.
I vow to maintain hope. I will find someone who will love me.
I think there is a nightengale outside my apartment, singing. Are there nightengales in San Francisco, or only in novels? I don't care, I think it is a good sign.
posted by Ponygirl at 12:12 AM
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