OK that last post? Forget it. Sort of. Maybe. I still need to talk to him.
I have not told him what I'm afraid of, and I should. On Valentine's Day when I saw him he pulled me onto his lap and he said "I'm scared." Of what? I asked, and he told me he was afraid of how strongly he felt about me and how awful and scary it was the day before when we had a misunderstanding. That was in the first 2 weeks of the relationship but he had the courage to tell me he was scared within about 24 hours of the thing that scared him.
Me? I have been terrified for the past 3 weeks and I haven't told him what I'm afraid of. So I thought about it and I made a list. A long list:
1. His interest in other women scratches against my fear of abandonment and my fear of my own weakness. He tells me stories about women who are interested in him in a relationship/sexual way, and he assures me that he is not tempted to act on it. But I'm afraid one day he will act on it and leave me. It also stirs my fears (that are compliments of one Terry Lewis) around not being able to leave a relationship that is not monogamous.
2. I am afraid he will have a secret life from me -- one in which he is seeing other women but keeping it a secret -- and I'll be a fool.
3. When he talks about other women I am afraid at some point I might not measure up. What if one time he doesnt want me? And why will that be? My smile? My skin? My weight?
4. I am afraid he is seeing other women now because he is addicted to the flirtation and affection and attention that he gets from them. I am afraid he needs constant new attention, and that this is part of his addiction. I am afraid he will never be able to stop.
5. I am afraid my own codependency is being stirred up and I am not acting in a healthy way. I am afraid I don't know how to be healthy in a relationship.
6. I am afraid he is not emotionally available and he is another guy in a long line of guys who can never love me.
7. I am afraid that by staying in touch with him the way I am, he will convert me to ex-girlfriend status and I will end up like his current ex-girlfriend, hysterical on the phone. I am afraid this is a game and I am just the latest prize.
8. I am afraid I can't survive another unsuccessful relationship -- afraid to love and afraid not to love. I am afraid my love will not be returned, and I am afraid I am not being honest as a result.
Wow, 8 items on the list. Big deep breath.
Me? I have been terrified for the past 3 weeks and I haven't told him what I'm afraid of. So I thought about it and I made a list. A long list:
1. His interest in other women scratches against my fear of abandonment and my fear of my own weakness. He tells me stories about women who are interested in him in a relationship/sexual way, and he assures me that he is not tempted to act on it. But I'm afraid one day he will act on it and leave me. It also stirs my fears (that are compliments of one Terry Lewis) around not being able to leave a relationship that is not monogamous.
2. I am afraid he will have a secret life from me -- one in which he is seeing other women but keeping it a secret -- and I'll be a fool.
3. When he talks about other women I am afraid at some point I might not measure up. What if one time he doesnt want me? And why will that be? My smile? My skin? My weight?
4. I am afraid he is seeing other women now because he is addicted to the flirtation and affection and attention that he gets from them. I am afraid he needs constant new attention, and that this is part of his addiction. I am afraid he will never be able to stop.
5. I am afraid my own codependency is being stirred up and I am not acting in a healthy way. I am afraid I don't know how to be healthy in a relationship.
6. I am afraid he is not emotionally available and he is another guy in a long line of guys who can never love me.
7. I am afraid that by staying in touch with him the way I am, he will convert me to ex-girlfriend status and I will end up like his current ex-girlfriend, hysterical on the phone. I am afraid this is a game and I am just the latest prize.
8. I am afraid I can't survive another unsuccessful relationship -- afraid to love and afraid not to love. I am afraid my love will not be returned, and I am afraid I am not being honest as a result.
Wow, 8 items on the list. Big deep breath.
posted by Ponygirl at 4:21 PM
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