Doing Some Really Good Work
Tuesday. Group therapy night. Third time and I am hearing things like "you did some really good work" and am noticing how close to the surface these people's feelings are. The snap of a finger, the drop of a hat, and people can cry. Me included. Tonight I tried to say something and couldn't and I started crying. I was just trying to say that I couldn't breathe all day. I kept having to take deep breaths and even a walk at lunchtime couldn't clear whatever was making me feel so off. Why couldn't I breathe? What was I afraid of? I think it had something to do with the horrible pervy wolfish Internet date I had last night. He made me feel unclean by the way he looked at me. He was disgusting and he made me feel hopeless because if that's what I have to look forward to, I should just get out of the game. I think that's why I couldn't breathe today. I am missing him, my guy, and how I felt about him, even though I know he's not available to me.
Daniel, therapist no. 2, asked me if I wanted to know why I keep choosing the wrong guy. Yeah, I want to know. But I said it would take a long time to figure that out. I've been trying to figure that out for about 10 years now and I haven't made much progress, but ole Daniel had it out in about 20 minutes. I swear to God. And it blew me away.
He asked me to think about the last guy and what it was about him that was a problem. With him it was the girls. Daniel asked me to remember what hurt me and how that felt. I told Daniel about how he had woken up with me the first time I spent the night and how he went out with another girl after he dropped me off at home.
Then Daniel asked me to think about another guy and what it was that hurt me. I told him about K and how he kept pulling away from me. Daniel asked me how that made me feel and I was able to say that it scared me, thinking that it would always be that way. That it frustrated me to give him the comfort he needed without getting what I needed. What I realized was that I can ask the men I am with for something and they will never tell me no, but they will not give me what I ask for either.
Then Daniel asked me to remember the feeling of not getting what I needed, but leave those men behind and go back to when I was a little girl. My eyes were closed and he took me back to my teenage years and back beyond that to when I was a little girl and then he asked me what came up when I felt that feeling. I wanted to see my dad somehow but the feelings it brought up were all about my mom, and that shocked me.
My mom was the best thing I had going as a little girl. But Daniel helped me realize that I really didn't get what I needed from her. She was busy with 5 kids and her volunteer stuff and the church and work and she was not always available to me. I grew up unsupervised while my parents were away at work, and when things went wrong there was no one there for me. I didn't get the help I needed. No one was paying attention to what I needed.
Daniel helped me realize that the men I have had relationships with are just like that. They give me what I think is love and attention when I don't ask for anything difficult, but when I need them they aren't there for me. They are not available to me. That's the one thing they all have in common. They are pre-occupied with something else and I take a back seat to their preoccupation.
It makes perfect sense once Daniel helped connect it for me. I don't know how this will change things but I hope it will relieve some of this brooding I have been doing over him. I have been praying that he will come back to me. In between times of praying for strength just to get through the pain.
I do pray that he will come back to me. Not because I would welcome and accept him back, but because I want him to know my truth. And that is that feeling the pain of losing him made me look for a way to change what I do in my relationships. And that has led me to Daniel and to a lot of progress in a few short weeks.
I also want him to know that I still believe in him, and that I think he will get to where he wants to be eventually. And I hope he believes in me and my ability to change too. I have a lot of compassion for him, because if he feels even half as bad as I do right now, and I am sure that he does, he deserves my compassion much more than my anger. I want to wish him godspeed in his journey and thank him for being part of this new knowledge I have gotten as a result of losing the relationship with him.
I'm glad something good has come from the pain and the pity of breaking up two people who were having such a wonderful time with each other. I hope more will come from this work I am doing with Daniel and the group. I feel exhausted from so much crying and from the Ambien I stole out of A's bedside table. It's 11:30 and I am going to bed.
Daniel, therapist no. 2, asked me if I wanted to know why I keep choosing the wrong guy. Yeah, I want to know. But I said it would take a long time to figure that out. I've been trying to figure that out for about 10 years now and I haven't made much progress, but ole Daniel had it out in about 20 minutes. I swear to God. And it blew me away.
He asked me to think about the last guy and what it was about him that was a problem. With him it was the girls. Daniel asked me to remember what hurt me and how that felt. I told Daniel about how he had woken up with me the first time I spent the night and how he went out with another girl after he dropped me off at home.
Then Daniel asked me to think about another guy and what it was that hurt me. I told him about K and how he kept pulling away from me. Daniel asked me how that made me feel and I was able to say that it scared me, thinking that it would always be that way. That it frustrated me to give him the comfort he needed without getting what I needed. What I realized was that I can ask the men I am with for something and they will never tell me no, but they will not give me what I ask for either.
Then Daniel asked me to remember the feeling of not getting what I needed, but leave those men behind and go back to when I was a little girl. My eyes were closed and he took me back to my teenage years and back beyond that to when I was a little girl and then he asked me what came up when I felt that feeling. I wanted to see my dad somehow but the feelings it brought up were all about my mom, and that shocked me.
My mom was the best thing I had going as a little girl. But Daniel helped me realize that I really didn't get what I needed from her. She was busy with 5 kids and her volunteer stuff and the church and work and she was not always available to me. I grew up unsupervised while my parents were away at work, and when things went wrong there was no one there for me. I didn't get the help I needed. No one was paying attention to what I needed.
Daniel helped me realize that the men I have had relationships with are just like that. They give me what I think is love and attention when I don't ask for anything difficult, but when I need them they aren't there for me. They are not available to me. That's the one thing they all have in common. They are pre-occupied with something else and I take a back seat to their preoccupation.
It makes perfect sense once Daniel helped connect it for me. I don't know how this will change things but I hope it will relieve some of this brooding I have been doing over him. I have been praying that he will come back to me. In between times of praying for strength just to get through the pain.
I do pray that he will come back to me. Not because I would welcome and accept him back, but because I want him to know my truth. And that is that feeling the pain of losing him made me look for a way to change what I do in my relationships. And that has led me to Daniel and to a lot of progress in a few short weeks.
I also want him to know that I still believe in him, and that I think he will get to where he wants to be eventually. And I hope he believes in me and my ability to change too. I have a lot of compassion for him, because if he feels even half as bad as I do right now, and I am sure that he does, he deserves my compassion much more than my anger. I want to wish him godspeed in his journey and thank him for being part of this new knowledge I have gotten as a result of losing the relationship with him.
I'm glad something good has come from the pain and the pity of breaking up two people who were having such a wonderful time with each other. I hope more will come from this work I am doing with Daniel and the group. I feel exhausted from so much crying and from the Ambien I stole out of A's bedside table. It's 11:30 and I am going to bed.
posted by Ponygirl at 11:02 PM
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