Let's let this blog follow me into depression, shall we? It has been coming on for two weeks and right now I feel like I am in the middle of it.

It would be nice if we knew whether ex-boyfriend Keith was a chicken or an egg but I think there was birthday-related depression swirling near me and sleeping with him scooted me over the edge and into the vortex. There was also a fear (irrational?) that a relationship with Patrick can't work out because I don't always like the way he smells.

Work being what it is -- demanding, unrelenting, and with rewards that come intermittently -- sucked me further in. Work has not been much fun since mid-November.

I stopped socializing, stopped listening to voice mail, stopped opening my mail at home, stopped putting dirty dishes into the dishwasher, stopped writing in this diary, stopped showering and wearing clean clothes. This went on for a week.

Then my period arrived! The day before I was going back to Tahoe for the weekend. I believe as I have gotten older my period has begun to coincide with serious anxiety, deep frustration, a short temper, and a desire to hide somewhere. Sprinkle in some existential questions of whether I should have ever been born. Add some fear of dying alone, and now the swirling vortex is really got a hold on me.

Which leads to the acting out. Telling Patrick on Sunday that things are going too fast and let's slow down. For him this came from nowhere. The moment I found myself in this conversation I wanted to back up and not say what I said. I really enjoy spending time with him. My fears are just my fears.

Then not talking to him for two days. I didn't call him and I really started freaking out that the relationship would end. Fini.

Cue the not sleeping. Add the poor diet. And the lack of concentration at work. And the not talking to friends and family.

Talking to Patrick helped and it's not over but...I'm all jumpy and I could cry at any moment. Taking a walk consumes all the energy I have. I'm seven pounds overweight.

Something disturbs my sleep in the middle of the night so I stay in bed until 1:30 today. I haven't been grocery shopping in two weeks and I have nothing to eat. Patrick doesn't call to make plans for tonight and I convince myself that I'm being stood up. I do not call him to find out what's up. I just watch TV all day, hungry, without showering, without talking to anyone.

This is depression.

Here's how to overcome depression:

1. Clean. Sweep everthing, dust, spray and wipe every surface, especially the bathroom. Wash the windows if you can.
2. Do all the laundry and put it all away.
3. Pay bills.
4. Buy groceries and fresh flowers.
5. Exercise.
6. Call every friend in town and make plans, even if they are two weeks away.
7. Get the car washed.
8. Make a list of personal and work things that need to be done and put them into your calendar.
9. Shower every day, first thing in the morning. Wear clean clothes and makeup.
10. Leave the house at least a couple of times each day.

If these things are done, the depression will lift within two weeks and life will seem OK again. Sometimes you can't find the energy to do those things. Sometimes you can't do them all and you end up buying a bottle of wine every night and sitting on your couch. You see your voice message count rise to double digits. People start calling you to ask why you haven't returned their 3 phone calls. You start spending twelve hours a day in front of your laptop and you don't get anything done at all. You stop brushing your teeth. You drink coffee and eat junk food and your face breaks out. This can go on for a long time. Hopefully it won't. I did a lot of laundry today. :)

Patrick's on his way to the Bay Area and we are going to the circus tonight. I'm jumpy and freaky and I am afraid I will say something wrong while I'm with him. I really hope this all works out OK. At least I have a little Christmas present for him. I think that will be nice.