Progress

Another Monday. Today began with a flame email to me with a copy to everyone up and down the chain of command. That set off a flurry of phone calls and ass-kissing in between my seventeen meetings today because someone felt like her authority was being questioned and decided to try to take me down a peg over email instead of doing the normal thing and, you know, CALLING ME!

Yeah, I was yelling there. Mainly because I don't think I'm guilty of what I was accused and because I could actually see this situation brewing on Friday but I made a mistake by letting it ride over the weekend. I should have called the woman before it turned into a problem.

I'm actually pretty good at managing relationships at work. I can sense what people need and I can usually anticipate problems. I'm also genuinely interested in having fun and people respond to that. I don't let people get me down, and when they do (see above) I can keep things in perspective. It's extremely rare for me to feel like things are out of control.

When you compare my romantic relationships to my work relationships, things aren't as good. In romantic relationships I am usually trying to sense what my guy needs and anticipate problems but for some reason, I rarely get it right. I am constantly surprised by problems. Lots of things get me down. I have trouble getting the big picture, and I often feel like things are out of control.

I believe it's because business meetings always end with a summary of the proceedings and a discussion of next steps. It's also because people don't act flipping crazy in a business setting since word gets around pretty fast that so-and-so is volatile or lazy or vindictive or whatever. And most of all, no matter what's happening / good or bad / people stay in there and try to fix problems and try to successfully get to the end of a project.

I like business. There are rules that we all generally understand and follow.

The rules are different in every romantic relationship. We rarely summarize our dates for each other, we don't always agree to next steps, sometimes people act flipping crazy, and one person or the other can call it off at any time. With this complete lack of structure, how do we ever get it right?

Patrick's distant behavior came to an end last Tuesday morning at 8:40 when he called in response to a series of phone messages I left Monday night, each increasingly expressing more worry and distress.* Truthfully I didn't know whether he was alive or dead after skiing on Sunday, and while I honestly thought he was simply avoiding me, both outcomes had me worried and distressed.

*I read somewhere that university researchers conducted a test involving the silent treatment: what they found is that a person with low self-esteem tends to react passively to rejection, while the person with a high self esteem is like a boxer coming out of his corner ready to take on a fight to convince the rejecter that they shouldn't be ignored.

He apologized for worrying me, but then he explained why he had been distant. He said that he gets the feeling I don't always tell him the "full story," that I'm often holding something back. He said he feels like I might be keeping him in the dark about some things, and describing other things with a possible spin. He said he thought maybe I could do with being kept in the dark for a little while myself, hence his distance.

With my new relationship conversation skills honed in Tuesday group nights, here's what I had to say:

1. I asked him for an example that makes him believe I'm not telling him the whole story and dammit! he had one. I explained what was going on in my mind when I stopped and kept something to myself. It had to do with death and dying, and I was going to say what would probably kill me, but I stopped myself because my mother died from cancer when she was only 53. I was afraid Patrick would think I had weak genes. True story. In hindsight I should have told him what I was afraid of.
2. I am always honest with him. I will always be honest.
3. I'm still getting to know him and I don't always want to reveal everything to him, but I'll be more and more open over time. I pointed out he doesn't tell me everything (I gave examples).
4. The "tit for tat" approach is not a good one and talking about things is the only way to go. His silence hurt me and also made me angry. Silence won't work for me in our relationship. My dad gave me the silent treatment for nearly three years.
5. I would like him to ask me questions if and when he feels like I'm holding back. And he can call me on it if he feels like I'm spinning something. I promised not to be offended.

The main thing to know is that in all the time we were talking I didn't stutter or cry at all. I also didn't attack him. This is good progress. I feel safe talking to Patrick. We worked through the problem and both of us said we were sorry and everything was OK again, back on solid ground. Amazing progress. Normally I would be writing about how we broke up, boo hoo.

And you know what? Once we worked everything out, our phone calls fell back into that honeymoon stage of "can't wait to see you." We had a fantastic weekend together. I really love him. He loves me too. How cool is that?