Well, I'm back. And I'm feeling pretty good again.

I've been a little unfair to the blogosphere by delaying a new post until now considering I've been feeling pretty good for at least 10 days. But life hasn't been "back to normal" until today, January 8th, the first full week back at work. Getting back to normal feels pretty good.

I have suffered from depression for most of my life, and I've been treated for it since I was 24. The first time I sought treatment I was dealing with a painful break-up when I was arrested for DUI. I reached a point where I didn't know how to shake off the feelings of shame and sadness that were literally incapacitating me and it scared me.

I found a counselor somehow and I visited her through the back door of her stately Atlanta home. The waiting room outside her office had a wing-back chair covered in little lilacs next to the window and sitting in it made me think of wonderful places I had read about in books when I was young. She was middle aged, Catholic, quite pretty, and strong. She reminded me so much of my mother, and she explained depression to me. She talked about how I had become overwhelmed by sadness.

She connected my feelings of loss for my relationship with great unexpressed grief over my mother's death. She connected the shame I felt for my behavior with the shame I feel for my family's misdeeds.

She helped me find a positive way to talk to myself about who I had become, and she helped me see how I had created a new family for myself with the friends I had -- people who were respectable role models for me. I honestly think she is the first person who ever suggested that my graduating from college was a real personal accomplishment. She helped me regain pride in myself.

There have been other episodes of depression that have led me to find a counselor, and every counselor seizes on the same themes of sadness and shame about my family. It's rather reassuring, knowing that I can be consistently diagnosed, and it's also kind of neat that they have all recommended roughly the same thing: change my inner dialogue, learn to put good boundaries in place, manage the anxiety. Easier said than done.

It's been fifteen years since I met my first counselor. I've come a long way toward understanding myself and giving myself a break for not being perfect. But goddamn, I still hurt when shame and sadness pack a one-two punch and knock me out for a week or two. I'm so tired of these depressions that I hesitate to tell friends when I have the blues any more. Aren't they tired of hearing about my latest failed relationship and my drug addict brothers who have hit me up for money and a ride home from jail? I'm tired of telling them.

Those things are sad, and I really want to change my story. I want to tell a story about my wonderful partner, my impish children, and the celebrations we plan for the holidays. Thinking about what I don't have makes me really. fucking. sad.

So isn't the antidote obvious? Don't dwell on that sad stuff. Change the inner dialogue to focus on what's right and good in my life, things I can take pride in knowing and doing. Live in the moment. Help someone less fortunate. Believe.

I rang in 2007 with great anticipation This will be a year of truth, honesty, patience, and consideration. These are the values I will be trying to cultivate and grow. These are the questions I will ask:

Am I being honest with myself? with my friends and family? I want to be able to recognize my feelings, especially my fears.

Could I be more patient in this situation? [without taking an Ativan?]

Finally, am I being considerate? Lately I have come to realize how many ways I tell myself that it's ok to be selfish. It's time to swing the pendulum back.

So the first week of 2007 is complete and so far, so good. My apartment is spotless and I have groceries. All I need are some fresh flowers and I'm good for a while. I guess I'll keep writing in this journal and look back on this depression to see how much time passes until the next one. I'll read this post and maybe it'll snap me out of it a little bit faster. We'll see.