Today's my dad's birthday. He died last year on July 26th, the victim of a freak accident in the hot desert on the shoulder of I-5. He would have been 79.

He was a Gemini, and definitely there were two sides to Merle. One side jovial and teasing, a hard worker, earnest and patient, full of wisdom gained from the school of hard knocks. The other side wavered between sneering and critical, and apathetic and uninterested.

Everyone has their good and bad qualities. Everyone learns lessons as they journey through life. Nearly everyone tries their best every day. I know my dad did, even if things didn't work out all that well every time.

I didn't always give my dad credit for trying his best. I spent years and years baffled by my father's abandonment of me and my family. Early in my life he abandoned our family for work and drink, and later he simply refused to be a part of our lives and hung up the phone when I called.

Today I understand that my father fought the same demons I've run into in my life. Lacking self-esteem, making up for it with intimidation and superiority, feeling fear of opening up with people about feelings and doubts, avoiding people instead. Trying to be perfect. Failing. Hiding. Working hard to become convinced I didn't care anyway.

When I put myself into my father's shoes, I can understand his mistakes, and I can forgive him. For some reason I couldn't do that as well when he was alive. Happy birthday, dad. I miss you.