INDIA?

Right now I'm discussing an opportunity to take a rotational assignment in Bangalore, India, for three months to support our most senior executive.

It would mean getting on a plane in about two weeks.

Working 12-15 hours a day, seven days a week.

Living in a hotel or corporate apartment for three months.

Trying to survive in India, which I tried before. I can't muster much enthusiasm, except that the experience will be much different with a per diem and expense account.

Missing the rest of ski season.

But the number one thing it would mean is leaving not only family and friends, but Patrick. My boss says take him with me. And you know what? It's possible. He says it sounds interesting, and his job is so amazingly flexible that he would be able to get away. Crazy....

I haven't been officially offered the position and there are a lot of unknowns, but one thing is certain and that is we need someone experienced in Bangalore, who knows the company and the way we work, right away. Finding someone like that who will agree to be away from home for three months must be next to impossible. But I think I would enjoy it. It would be very good for my career.

It also sounds romantic. But complicated. I'll know more on Tuesday.

Progress

Another Monday. Today began with a flame email to me with a copy to everyone up and down the chain of command. That set off a flurry of phone calls and ass-kissing in between my seventeen meetings today because someone felt like her authority was being questioned and decided to try to take me down a peg over email instead of doing the normal thing and, you know, CALLING ME!

Yeah, I was yelling there. Mainly because I don't think I'm guilty of what I was accused and because I could actually see this situation brewing on Friday but I made a mistake by letting it ride over the weekend. I should have called the woman before it turned into a problem.

I'm actually pretty good at managing relationships at work. I can sense what people need and I can usually anticipate problems. I'm also genuinely interested in having fun and people respond to that. I don't let people get me down, and when they do (see above) I can keep things in perspective. It's extremely rare for me to feel like things are out of control.

When you compare my romantic relationships to my work relationships, things aren't as good. In romantic relationships I am usually trying to sense what my guy needs and anticipate problems but for some reason, I rarely get it right. I am constantly surprised by problems. Lots of things get me down. I have trouble getting the big picture, and I often feel like things are out of control.

I believe it's because business meetings always end with a summary of the proceedings and a discussion of next steps. It's also because people don't act flipping crazy in a business setting since word gets around pretty fast that so-and-so is volatile or lazy or vindictive or whatever. And most of all, no matter what's happening / good or bad / people stay in there and try to fix problems and try to successfully get to the end of a project.

I like business. There are rules that we all generally understand and follow.

The rules are different in every romantic relationship. We rarely summarize our dates for each other, we don't always agree to next steps, sometimes people act flipping crazy, and one person or the other can call it off at any time. With this complete lack of structure, how do we ever get it right?

Patrick's distant behavior came to an end last Tuesday morning at 8:40 when he called in response to a series of phone messages I left Monday night, each increasingly expressing more worry and distress.* Truthfully I didn't know whether he was alive or dead after skiing on Sunday, and while I honestly thought he was simply avoiding me, both outcomes had me worried and distressed.

*I read somewhere that university researchers conducted a test involving the silent treatment: what they found is that a person with low self-esteem tends to react passively to rejection, while the person with a high self esteem is like a boxer coming out of his corner ready to take on a fight to convince the rejecter that they shouldn't be ignored.

He apologized for worrying me, but then he explained why he had been distant. He said that he gets the feeling I don't always tell him the "full story," that I'm often holding something back. He said he feels like I might be keeping him in the dark about some things, and describing other things with a possible spin. He said he thought maybe I could do with being kept in the dark for a little while myself, hence his distance.

With my new relationship conversation skills honed in Tuesday group nights, here's what I had to say:

1. I asked him for an example that makes him believe I'm not telling him the whole story and dammit! he had one. I explained what was going on in my mind when I stopped and kept something to myself. It had to do with death and dying, and I was going to say what would probably kill me, but I stopped myself because my mother died from cancer when she was only 53. I was afraid Patrick would think I had weak genes. True story. In hindsight I should have told him what I was afraid of.
2. I am always honest with him. I will always be honest.
3. I'm still getting to know him and I don't always want to reveal everything to him, but I'll be more and more open over time. I pointed out he doesn't tell me everything (I gave examples).
4. The "tit for tat" approach is not a good one and talking about things is the only way to go. His silence hurt me and also made me angry. Silence won't work for me in our relationship. My dad gave me the silent treatment for nearly three years.
5. I would like him to ask me questions if and when he feels like I'm holding back. And he can call me on it if he feels like I'm spinning something. I promised not to be offended.

The main thing to know is that in all the time we were talking I didn't stutter or cry at all. I also didn't attack him. This is good progress. I feel safe talking to Patrick. We worked through the problem and both of us said we were sorry and everything was OK again, back on solid ground. Amazing progress. Normally I would be writing about how we broke up, boo hoo.

And you know what? Once we worked everything out, our phone calls fell back into that honeymoon stage of "can't wait to see you." We had a fantastic weekend together. I really love him. He loves me too. How cool is that?

Ugh! Mondays are hard. I haven't had to wake up with an alarm for ten days and this morning I got jarred back into life in the city at 6am. Much too early. I'm wearing my uncomfortable grown-up clothes (including some adorable new black high-heel mary janes that make things slightly better...cashmere sweater doesn't hurt either...in fact, what am I complaining about? Besides the scowl on my face, I look pretty cute!).

My schedule is crammed with meetings which started at 8:30 and go straight through to 5. Tomorrow begins a 3-day meeting that I am dreading (I'm too busy to sit still for a total of 24 hours and eat calorie-laden food).

I just want to complain about Patrick for a minute too. After I wrote that rosy-glow post on Thursday he dropped off the face of the earth. We connected briefly on the phone yesterday and made plans to get together late in the afternoon but he didn't call. I feel like I got stood up. I am happy to give him all the space he needs. All I expect is a phone call letting me know what's going on. I am not happy about that this morning.

This week is not getting off to a good start and it's busy busy busy. Grrrrrr!

Let's Catch Up, Huh?

Uh oh, it's another Friday that finds me looking for anything -- anything -- to do besides working. So let's see, what kind of story can I tell?

How about more on Patrick? Yes! Last night we were at his house hanging out. That's rare. We are usually at my house because it's more comfortable but Patrick has a cold and it would have been cruel to do anything other than bring him some delicious vegetarian Thai food and snuggle with him on his own couch.

First, did you notice I said vegetarian food?

If you know me at all you would scoff at the thought of me combining the word "delicious" with the words "vegetarian food" but Patrick only eats organic range-fed meat or vegetarian food. You can't get the organic from a take-out place so we eat vegetarian unless I cook something and I'm really OK with that. I'm pretty sure I'm losing weight again. I've been running during the day.

Did I mention the fact that I have been in Lake Tahoe for almost two weeks now?

Second, Patrick has a solar oven. So sexy.

I found that out last night when he left me with reading material while he took a shower. For my reading pleasure he brought me a solar oven newspaper thingy, a copy of Love Shadows: An Intimate Interlude with the Holy Ghost (a novel that an author friend of his at church gave him), and some literature about the heart-breaking defeat of the Modoc Indian Tribe at Tule Lake.

Tule...too-lee...isn't that a pretty name for a baby? Patrick explained that tule grass grows in marshes all over California and that tule fog, low-lying fog in the central valley, is named for it. I like the way it sounds but it's not terribly pretty or inspirational given that its name means a marshland grass and fog that causes auto accidents. I just love that Patrick teaches me things about nature. He can look at the sky and tell what time it is within 5 minutes (it's true, we play that game all the time). He looks at the mountains and points out things about the tree line, the slope, the camber, the reason there are forests and bald spots. He reads the atlas in his spare time.

Patrick is planning a trip to Lava Beds National Monument and he is taking his solar oven along (he is going to make chili as his first dish) and among his other gear is a propane heater for his tent. He has a checklist he is methodically following to make sure his truck is properly maintained so there will be no surprises. He has been reading about the history of the area and making incredibly neat handwritten notes about things to see while he's there. I love this man.

But back to the novel. And church. I think the second time we went out, maybe the third time, Patrick was on the phone with me planning where we would go and he asked if I would go to church with him and I said no thanks. We went out for breakfast and when we were finished we got in his truck and it was literally 4 minutes before 11 (when church was due to start). Rather than make him late for church by having him drive me home, I said I would go to church with him.

It wasn't too bad. It was actually kind of nice, even if people raised their hands and waved to Jesus during the last hymn. They did a slide show and the high school kids rocked the hymns with a full band. Patrick introduced me to his friend Penny and her husband after church and they were nice people.

But since then Patrick and I have had a talk about religion and he's not happy about the fact that I'm not Christian. He said something like "I have always thought the woman I would end up with would have the same faith I do." Oh dear.

But once again, back to the novel. The synopsis on the back refers to the way one man convinces a non-believing woman to "join him in an unbelievable God-ordered destiny." Patrick hasn't read this book [yet? I don't know if he plans to read it] and I didn't ask him whether he was trying to give a subtle hint about my heathen soul. Thanks to an earlier post you know my views about religion and that I'm not opposed to attending church with him, but I can't cop to the Jesus-loving, Satan-fearing, Christian party line.

Changing topics. This just in -- I have just had a lovely long chat with Fergus who is as wonderful as ever and I'm so blessed that he stays in touch. He says he is coming to visit from England in November. I'm sceptical because he's been saying he's coming to visit for at least three years but maybe 2007 will be his year. Has it really been twelve years since I met Fergus? And how much did I love him? I still have his picture on my bureau in SF. I still love Fergus and likely always will but we've simply become such good friends. What a wonderful person.

And now, for the start of another phenomenal weekend...

Well, I'm back. And I'm feeling pretty good again.

I've been a little unfair to the blogosphere by delaying a new post until now considering I've been feeling pretty good for at least 10 days. But life hasn't been "back to normal" until today, January 8th, the first full week back at work. Getting back to normal feels pretty good.

I have suffered from depression for most of my life, and I've been treated for it since I was 24. The first time I sought treatment I was dealing with a painful break-up when I was arrested for DUI. I reached a point where I didn't know how to shake off the feelings of shame and sadness that were literally incapacitating me and it scared me.

I found a counselor somehow and I visited her through the back door of her stately Atlanta home. The waiting room outside her office had a wing-back chair covered in little lilacs next to the window and sitting in it made me think of wonderful places I had read about in books when I was young. She was middle aged, Catholic, quite pretty, and strong. She reminded me so much of my mother, and she explained depression to me. She talked about how I had become overwhelmed by sadness.

She connected my feelings of loss for my relationship with great unexpressed grief over my mother's death. She connected the shame I felt for my behavior with the shame I feel for my family's misdeeds.

She helped me find a positive way to talk to myself about who I had become, and she helped me see how I had created a new family for myself with the friends I had -- people who were respectable role models for me. I honestly think she is the first person who ever suggested that my graduating from college was a real personal accomplishment. She helped me regain pride in myself.

There have been other episodes of depression that have led me to find a counselor, and every counselor seizes on the same themes of sadness and shame about my family. It's rather reassuring, knowing that I can be consistently diagnosed, and it's also kind of neat that they have all recommended roughly the same thing: change my inner dialogue, learn to put good boundaries in place, manage the anxiety. Easier said than done.

It's been fifteen years since I met my first counselor. I've come a long way toward understanding myself and giving myself a break for not being perfect. But goddamn, I still hurt when shame and sadness pack a one-two punch and knock me out for a week or two. I'm so tired of these depressions that I hesitate to tell friends when I have the blues any more. Aren't they tired of hearing about my latest failed relationship and my drug addict brothers who have hit me up for money and a ride home from jail? I'm tired of telling them.

Those things are sad, and I really want to change my story. I want to tell a story about my wonderful partner, my impish children, and the celebrations we plan for the holidays. Thinking about what I don't have makes me really. fucking. sad.

So isn't the antidote obvious? Don't dwell on that sad stuff. Change the inner dialogue to focus on what's right and good in my life, things I can take pride in knowing and doing. Live in the moment. Help someone less fortunate. Believe.

I rang in 2007 with great anticipation This will be a year of truth, honesty, patience, and consideration. These are the values I will be trying to cultivate and grow. These are the questions I will ask:

Am I being honest with myself? with my friends and family? I want to be able to recognize my feelings, especially my fears.

Could I be more patient in this situation? [without taking an Ativan?]

Finally, am I being considerate? Lately I have come to realize how many ways I tell myself that it's ok to be selfish. It's time to swing the pendulum back.

So the first week of 2007 is complete and so far, so good. My apartment is spotless and I have groceries. All I need are some fresh flowers and I'm good for a while. I guess I'll keep writing in this journal and look back on this depression to see how much time passes until the next one. I'll read this post and maybe it'll snap me out of it a little bit faster. We'll see.