Monday, March 27, 2006

I had a terrible weekend and the terribleness is persisting.

I texted him on Friday to tell him I wanted to talk to him. It was in the middle of the work day and I asked him to call me when he could. I never expected him not to call me. So I spent the day and the evening and even part of the next morning wondering if he was going to call. Then I spent the rest of the time feeling bad because he didn't call.

Why did I call him in the first place? Good question, but if you know me at all you know that I can't leave well enough alone. I wanted to keep it going. I thought I wanted to tell him two things. One was that I have done something positive as a result of all the negative stuff between us and I wanted to encourage him to do the same thing. The other was to tell him that I still believe in him, and that I hoped he still believed in me. I honestly didn't think he wouldn't want to talk to me. That hurts. It's understandable and it's fair -- but it hurts nonetheless. It is the ultimate in rejection and abandonment, and I guess it's what I need in order to stop obsessing eventually. Ouch.

My thought after he didn't call was that I could mail him a letter, telling him what I want to tell him. I am going to work on it tonight and see what George thinks tomorrow.

This is after I meet the 52 year old Internet date tonight. 52? That's really reaching.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Last night I went to the interview with Daniel, the new group therapist. The office is in the basement of a church in Berkeley, kind of a sad little place with worn industrial carpeting, low ceilings, mismatched cheap furniture, a few neglected plants, and kids' toys here and there. I found myself fantasizing about an HGTV makeover for this place, all they need is the Design on a Dime team.

I was all choked up. Daniel asked me the first question, why was I there, and I couldn't speak. I think it's that I feel so sorry for myself for having to be there in the first place. I am so sad over this failed relationship -- I miss him and I wish I was in a happy relationship but I don't have the skills. So I am in a sorry little church basement signing up for a "find your inner child" therapy group instead of having dinner with a man who loves me.

I know. Self pity.

I am trying to look on the positive side. If it weren't for this failed relationship I wouldn't be looking for help, and I need to get better. I am lucky that it happened. And if I'm really lucky it won't happen again. Please god.
Does 20 minutes pumping strength machines count as a workout? What if you add a 15 minute walk at lunch?

Monday, March 20, 2006

Today I'm in Berkeley and I'm going to be interviewed for a therapy group. The interview is a requirement before I can join the group. They want to see if I will fit in, and they want to see if the therapist can help me. If I am approved it will mean I have 2 therapists and still no house cleaner.

This group is going to help me work on my co-dependence. I'm hoping I can beat whatever makes me find and fall for guys who are seriously broken. Finding them isn't all that easy but falling for them seems like a piece of cake.

I read a little bit about their methods and it sounds like a lot of Berkeley hoo-ha but I'm willing to try. It's Tuesday nights from 7 to 9 -- yowsa that's a lot of time to devote.

I've been spending cycles today trying to decide what to do with the tickets to Britt Daniel that I bought to surprise him. The show is sold out and I have plenty of people from Craig's List who will buy them. I have four tickets and I am tempted to just sell 2 and go to the show. There is a guy from Nerve that I think would be psyched to go with me, and I think the show will be fantastic.

It may be bad form to go and have even the tiniest risk that he will be there (but he won't be there, I'm almost sure). It may also put bad ju-ju on the new guy. But on the other hand it might be freeing for me -- putting him in the past and moving on. I'm more than a little curious about what might happen.

I am also wondering why I am spending time thinking about it. Maybe I'm still obsessing. Maybe selling the tickets will be a way to just get past all this (versus spending another 10 days until the show thinking, thinking, thinking).

The answer is just totally obvious, isn't it? NO. IT'S. NOT. Maybe this is a great question to pose to therapist no. 2 tonight. :)

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Ka-put

Yesterday we finished it. He had asked me to dinner and I felt I had to remind him that we broke up. That I wasn't going out with him any more. And that the reason I wasn't going out with him is that I asked him to stop seeing other people and he wouldn't do it.

Somehow he didn't see things the same way. He said quit saying we broke up -- we didn't break up. He also said that we weren't together because I had asked him for a commitment. And that he was afraid of committing because of 3 things -- the trust issues I have, the fact that he feels rushed by me in this relationship, and the fact that I quit smoking just 4 months ago and could start again.

So I don't understand where he is coming from. We DID break up two weeks ago. And I wish I had the words to explain what I was asking him for -- a sacrifice, not a commitment. I think in his mind he was trying to qualify this relationship for marriage. Not like -- is this the kind of person I can see myself married to? but rather, is this the person I want to marry?

Either way, I was tired of talking about the same things and I was tired of yearning for him but not being able to be with him and I was tired of feeling partially rejected. So I told him that the time had come to just call it. I couldn't give him any more time. So he called it -- his answer was no. And I said well that's probably for the best. We're just different. And I thanked him for a really fantastic time and tried to say all that I had written in my letter to him. One of the last things he said is that he really respects me. I thought that was great. He also asked if he changed his mind would it be OK to call me. I said "of course," and I wonder if that's healthy. I also told him in a defensive way don't you dare call me unless that's what you have to say. He said he understood, we hung up.

I don't feel like screaming and crying. I'm sad for both of us, being broken and unable to have a healthy relationship with each other. If I had done things differently I wonder if everything would have turned out different, or if the outcome would be the same. I'll keep wondering for some time, I think.

Meanwhile I am trying to sign up for a group therapy thing in Berkeley, working on codependence. That's one positive thing that came out of the relationship with him. I am sure there are other positive things but I am hoping for one very negative thing.

Friday, March 17, 2006

OK that last post? Forget it. Sort of. Maybe. I still need to talk to him.

I have not told him what I'm afraid of, and I should. On Valentine's Day when I saw him he pulled me onto his lap and he said "I'm scared." Of what? I asked, and he told me he was afraid of how strongly he felt about me and how awful and scary it was the day before when we had a misunderstanding. That was in the first 2 weeks of the relationship but he had the courage to tell me he was scared within about 24 hours of the thing that scared him.

Me? I have been terrified for the past 3 weeks and I haven't told him what I'm afraid of. So I thought about it and I made a list. A long list:

1. His interest in other women scratches against my fear of abandonment and my fear of my own weakness. He tells me stories about women who are interested in him in a relationship/sexual way, and he assures me that he is not tempted to act on it. But I'm afraid one day he will act on it and leave me. It also stirs my fears (that are compliments of one Terry Lewis) around not being able to leave a relationship that is not monogamous.

2. I am afraid he will have a secret life from me -- one in which he is seeing other women but keeping it a secret -- and I'll be a fool.

3. When he talks about other women I am afraid at some point I might not measure up. What if one time he doesnt want me? And why will that be? My smile? My skin? My weight?

4. I am afraid he is seeing other women now because he is addicted to the flirtation and affection and attention that he gets from them. I am afraid he needs constant new attention, and that this is part of his addiction. I am afraid he will never be able to stop.

5. I am afraid my own codependency is being stirred up and I am not acting in a healthy way. I am afraid I don't know how to be healthy in a relationship.

6. I am afraid he is not emotionally available and he is another guy in a long line of guys who can never love me.

7. I am afraid that by staying in touch with him the way I am, he will convert me to ex-girlfriend status and I will end up like his current ex-girlfriend, hysterical on the phone. I am afraid this is a game and I am just the latest prize.

8. I am afraid I can't survive another unsuccessful relationship -- afraid to love and afraid not to love. I am afraid my love will not be returned, and I am afraid I am not being honest as a result.

Wow, 8 items on the list. Big deep breath.

Love's Executioner

Thinking. Thinking. Thinking. This is all I have been doing for 2 weeks, and here is what I have concluded. That he and I simply value different things in the sense that I value the ability to investigate a person in a well-defined 1:1 environment and he values the ability to investigate a person in an environment where he has other people to compare to. I will always insist on boundaries around a relationship and I believe he will always want to have more freedom than that.

Neither of us is right or wrong, good or bad. We're just different. And that difference will keep us apart. It hurts a lot, but I don't blame him or me for it. It's life after all. It's out of my control.

I really appreciate the time I spent with him. I want to thank him for taking an interest in me and sharing himself with me. I had fallen into a routine and didn't know I could feel so on fire until he came along. It gives me hope for the future. I have hope for him too. He is a wonderful person, so rich. He is one of the most positive people I have ever met. I feel honored.

The past couple of weeks have been tearing me apart and I want to let go. I simply want to respect each other for being good people and admit we are different. Neither of us should change and we probably can't anyway.

What Scares Me

I am still punishing the little girl inside me. Still whipping her with the leather strap that was kept in the bottom drawer in the kitchen.

This morning I feel the terrifying dread that I felt when there was a problem at home and the ugly anger found me as its target.

Back then I would plead silently with my brothers and sister as they backed away from me.
"Someone tell them that I didn't do it!"
"Tell them I am NOT lying"
"Tell them I can be a good girl"
"Tell them not to hurt me. I am so scared."

That little girl got a whipping, her arm jerked up high bent over a chair with her naked bottom exposed. She bumped her head. She feels dirty with her pants down.

Five lashes, maybe ten, maybe twenty. And then sent away alone with no one to comfort her, dry her tears, tell her everything will be all right.

Did she even understand what she had done wrong? Or how to stop doing the wrong thing she had been punished for?

How can someone who loves you hurt you like that? And keep on hurting you like that?

Love is not supposed to be so terrifying and confusing.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Self-Reliance

Self-Reliance: "A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within, more than the lustre of the firmament of bards and sages. Yet he dismisses without notice his thought, because it is his. In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts: they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty. Great works of art have no more affecting lesson for us than this. They teach us to abide by our spontaneous impression with good-humored inflexibility then most when the whole cry of voices is on the other side. Else, to-morrow a stranger will say with masterly good sense precisely what we have thought and felt all the time, and we shall be forced to take with shame our own opinion from another. "

I love this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson. Especially "when the whole cry of voices is on the other side." The courage, then, to believe yourself is priceless.

Raison D'Etre La Blog

This is a diary of my thoughts. It's my journal. But it's online and virtually anyone could read it, which is sort of strange. I have only told one person about its existence.

I have kept a journal from time to time, in different periods of my life. Not often. Once when I was a senior in college. Again when I was breaking up with Mark. Again when I went to Europe. And now. When I go back and read my thoughts I can see myself in the before stage. I'm seeking understanding of something or another and I seem so frightfully ignorant. The questions I wrestled with have clear answers now, but at the time there were so many possible outcomes.

Writing about it helps me remember the point, and it also helps me tell myself the truth instead of telling myself a story. When I tell myself stories they always start out with the truth, but in the re-telling, details get changed and feelings and motivations get attached to things that don't really deserve them. This diary keeps me honest to some extent.

I really wish it was funny, that my humor was present in all this. But all of that would be for someone else and this, this is a gift to myself.

Seriously, Is This Healthy?

I just talked to him again and I don't want to let go. He makes me believe. I know I am taking a risk but it seems a calculated one. It can't be that hard to get over him even if I let this go for a couple more weeks, right?

He said again that he doesn't take the connection between us lightly, and he doesn't take me for granted. He told me that his subscription to Nerve is going to expire on the 23rd and he doesn't know what he will do, but he will probably not renew it. He said that he is feeling defeated by all of this uncertainty, and it is taking a toll on everything he is trying to do. He knows how rare it is to meet someone you connect with and he doesn't expect it to happen again any time soon.

He said he is troubled by the way I am trying to move this relationship along so quickly. He is also troubled by the fact that I have not been honest in the way I communicate, that I have a roundabout way about me. He said he thinks the strong feelings I have for him can become a liability because extracting himself from the relationship would be messy and difficult if things fell apart. And he said that he has fantasized about asking me to go forward with this relationship on several specific conditions but that seems ridiculous. He said maybe he needs therapy but he's trying to work this out on his own.

I let him know that I am meeting new people. But I am not closing the door on this either. It's possible I will see him at Kirkwood this weekend. I have plans to meet the film guy on Wednesday. Is this healthy in your opinion? I am not seeing George (my therapist) again until Monday.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Standing Facing the Wall

I am really having trouble working today and yesterday and the day before. I lack motivation. Between PMS and my preoccupation with the relationship that still won't die, I am not concerned at all with the presentations and executive communication that I am supposed to be churning out.

I'm waiting for him to call me at around 3. He called me earlier but he was in Sausalito with his partner, doing something, and we couldn't really talk. Today I am going to tell him that we shouldn't talk any more. We should stop talking. It messes with me too much to have the door open between us. As long as he is in my life I will not be able to move on and meet someone else. And since he is still not willing to stop seeing other people I need to move on.

I got an HIV test yesterday and the results don't come until Monday. Maybe Friday though. I changed my name to be anonymous, and I'm not sure why I did that. I was talking to my friend Ed a couple of weeks ago and he mentioned having taken a test recently and how scary it was to wait for the results. I don't really feel scared but I know what he means all the same. I can't imagine what life would be like if I were HIV+.

Last night A and I went and had 2 bottles of wine at Americano, which is a fancy after-work bar down on the Embarcadero. It was so rainy and gray outside yesteday, so dark and depressing. We picked another friend up in a cab on the way home -- she had been to see her therapist and she was terribly upset about her ex-girlfriend. We brought her back to my place and made tea and talked about it all. Seems like there are so many relationships in this world that are so messed up.

I wish I could fall asleep and take a nap right now.

I haven't called my friend B back and she called me on Friday. I really don't want to talk to her. It's amazing how I can be so mean. She is the one who IMed me to say she is upset with me, and she called a few days after that and I just never called her back. I don't want to talk about all of the existential bullshit. I don't want to talk about what's going on with me, or with her, or between us. I just don't care. I might be able to call tomorrow.

I also haven't called my sister-in-law and that's mean too. She and my brother really care about me but I just don't want to talk about anything. Avoid. That always works, right.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

There Is A Freaking Bird Trapped In My Chest

Something's going on with me today. I've got a general shaky feeling. A flutter in the center of my rib cage (which in turn feels like it's wrapped in Saran Wrap). And it feels kind of moldy.

I want a Xanax and a drink and a cigarette. Or a Vicodin. And I want a bunch of boys sitting around me flirting with me and loud music and some kind of cool stuff to look at. That's the unhealthy side of me talking but you know the story of the hard dying of old habits.

However, I am not going to drink or smoke or ... well I might have a Xanax if it gets much worse.

I have 1.2 more days of work left before I head to Tahoe for 5 feet (and counting) of the fresh pow. The gnar, if you will. I am going to ski and ski and ski and just get all of this moldy shaky fluttery feeling OUT and get so tired on the mountain that I just fall asleep among the mayhem at my house. I hope.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

A Nooner Post

I've been sitting on my roommate's bed "working" since 9am and frankly I'm pretty sick of it. I have to sit here because the wormhole to the Internet is in his closet and the wireless isn't fucking working. He does have a comfy mattress though, I'll say that for him.

I'm right in the thick of heartbreak at the moment and it's at this time that one of my best friends decides to send me an IM telling me that she is really bothered by a little heated disagreement we got into last night. An IM. This is how she chooses to communicate. When I suggest we actually Talk. On the Phone. she says she doesn't have time. Luckily this makes me feel superior.

Four of us shared three bottles of wine last night and then I came home to write bad breakup poetry which turned into a soul-baring dear john letter. I finally exhausted myself by weeping uncontrollably and went to sleep, only to wake up and realize What the hell? We have already broken up! Who needs a dear john letter at this stage? Except that yesterday he called me to say he has been thinking about things since we broke up on Saturday, and he feels he is getting closer to having some clarity. To him clarity is around whether he can commit to dating just me or continuing to play the field. Good for him and his approaching clarity. That's peachy. He needs to leave me alone.

And I think hey! I should tell him that he needs to leave me alone! But then I realize that a much better response is to ignore him. But that's what is making me angry. I don't like doing nothing. I need to go for a run along the Embarcadero and look at the bay for about an hour, and that will make me feel a whole lot better.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Remix

5:00 and today has been S-L-O-W. I got a new laptop about 4 days ago and it doesn't really work. Constant tie-ups where I have to just sit and wait.

I'm in the midst of relationship angst again. See, that's what happens when you don't write anything for 3 months. You go ahead and take a month off work, quit smoking, lose 15 pounds, and the next thing you know you meet a wonderful guy and start having mind-blowing sex again. Hooray!

But by the time you can even finish one post which is 3 months late anyway, the relationship ends and you're single again. Hooray! Or not.


I definitely need new photos before posting to another Internet dating site.
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