This blog has been outed by Othejoys. It was just yesterday that I was driving across the Bay Bridge talking on my mobilephone to Andrew about what it will be like when he's in Australia and I'm in San Francisco and I told him (with a typical big build-up to the ultimate truth) -- you can stay up on what I'm doing in San Francisco because I write a blog and you can read it.

"I suspected as much. You're a blogger!"

"Yeah, Andrew, but don't tell anyone. You're only the second person who knows about it and I'd like to keep it on the down low."

Immortal No More

I am going to miss the Zen Center tonight because the Berkeley group is meeting on Monday instead of Tuesday this week. That means I have an extra night free tomorrow and Hooray! I can give candy to the 1.2 million children who trick-or-treat in my neighborhood...we have a fire dancer on my block and he's a big draw. My biggest problem is that I've already eaten 1/2 a bag of Hershey's Miniatures and there is no stopping me on the chocolate. I will be giving ALL that candy away tomorrow.

It's too bad I'll miss the Buddhists because I certainly spend more time during the week thinking about the Zen lesson than I do thinking about the group. Last week we talked about sickness and death, and during the meeting I thought about my dad's recent death and my mom's sickness and death from malignant melanoma twenty years ago and thought yes, sickness and death are hard to deal with. In general, however, my thoughts during the meeting were: this has no real relevance to me. [Thankfully, I am immortal.]

At 38 and counting (one month from 39), I still feel strong and healthy. For that I am sincerely, deeply grateful. The aches and pains I get come from working too hard or skiing too hard (being as wild and stupid on the mountain as a 10-year-old) have all been temporary. But I am not immortal and it has taken a week to sink in. What about getting older? What about close friends my age who have tried like hell to conceive a child and have been unsuccessful? What about Dave's friend who has breast cancer and no insurance? What about Ken who was diagnosed with lung cancer nearly a year ago at 49 and who died from it last night?

What about Brainhell, a 43-year-old father of two with ALS, Lou Gehrig's disease, who commented a year ago in a heroically restrained way on my frightfully immature rant on how silly men look doing the stairclimber in the gym? I was reading old posts and clicked on his name and god bless him, he's got sickness and death sitting in his lap. I have spent 20 hours in the last 48 reading his account of losing his ability to run, to walk, to speak clearly, to hold his young son and daughter. And at my age he was still immortal too. God bless him, he is living with ALS, praying for something to reverse the disease, and demonstrating great dignity and love for himself, his family, friends, and strangers who read his story. I am praying for you and your family, Brainhell.

The lesson from the Buddhists last Monday have helped me understand in a more personal way that a day will come when my body fails me in some way. I am not immortal. I need to prepare myself for the knowledge that my great health, which I enjoy, will not always be here for me. It has been 11 months and 2 days since I stopped smoking cigarettes and I celebrate this gift of health I have given myself. I appreciate the Buddhists for helping me recognize the great gift that is even one more healthy day. I know people like Ken and Brainhell would give anything for it. God bless them, may they be happy, may all beings be happy.

Party Party

Yesterday I quit work at 1:00, drove to San Jose, and spent the afternoon with Andrew going around getting everything for his party (including one of those great heater-things for outside and a combination smoke machine/many-colored lighted disco ball). We had a nice afternoon-into-evening time with Andrew's girlfriend Stacey and the party began. I was on the lookout for Harold because truthfully there were only a few people there* but Harold didn't show up until around 10 and the party was already past that point where everyone was talking to everyone else. (Harold wore his old-standby whoopee cushion costume and gave mini-whoopee cushions to all guests, including me [which our friend Aaron said shows everything is ok dog-bite-wise and I agree]).

The party was fun and I'm glad I was there for it. Oh man will I miss Andrew.

*including Tom, previously Andrew's neighbor, a middle-aged guy who goes to burning man every year and is an expert in that naked rope-tying thing, who came in a costume as "the sun" wearing a skin-tight sky-blue unitard showing a detailed outline of his package, tube socks, teva sandals, a white poncho with gold glitter edges, and what looked like a giant tambourine edged with orange fake fur on his chest. Later in the evening we learned he had a fan installed in the tambourine that flutters the fake fur. Tom, great costume, you geek. You rock. :)

There is no but

Yesterday I had about thirty meetings back to back with different people in San Jose and oh yes I am taking care of business.

After work I called Josh and he was upset with me because it was after 6:30 and I wouldn't get home until 7:30 and he has an early bedtime! and I am coming home so late! but I cancelled other plans to spend time with you Josh and we didn't agree on a time to meet! and I didn't know you have an early bedtime! We actually managed to get past the problem without any damage at all. I credit my new interpersonal skills, learned from the Berkeley group, and my vow to not react from the Buddhism, and I credit Josh for also having interpersonal skills that allow him to see my side too and look for a way out. It felt really good to solve the problem by just talking it out. It may seem minor but these skirmishes are how I get into trouble.

I got home at 7:30 and Josh brought me a burrito and we just hung out in my kitchen talking. (n.b., I invited him to Lake Tahoe for the weekend of 11/10 and he said he will come.) Before he left he said next time he wants to talk to me about our relationship. He wants to make sure I understand who he is and where he's coming from and oh boy did I get nervous because Keith sat in that same chair and said the same opening line and Keith broke my heart.

Josh said he is really enjoying spending time together. That talking to me is one of the best ways he spends his time. That he has appreciated getting to know each other. And I am sitting there nodding my head and saying uh-huh and me too and then he stops. And I raise my eyebrows. And I say: is there a 'but' coming? because I feel like there is a 'but' coming. But he just smiles and shakes his head. There is no but. He just wants to tell me what's on his mind. Josh is not Keith. He communicates.

I wonder if he's dangerous enough. I've been reading Stephen Mitchell who describes the dichotomy of danger and stability that must be present in love, and how people's gauge of danger and stability in a person is ever-changing. I believe I seek liberal amounts of danger at first and then I want a 180-degree shift into stability. Most of my boyfriends can serve up the danger but they can't serve up the stability and I'm stuck without it. The ones who can serve up the stability just can't muster the danger and they get rejected.

I'm choosing a different path with Josh. He is not dangerous in the way that Tad-the-player was or Keith-don't-touch-my-heart was and I think that is why I do not feel that wild desire, pounding heart, and fluttering stomach that I felt for Keith and Tad and ALL THE OTHER GUYS WHO BROKE MY FUCKING HEART. On the flip side I get this reassuring communication and he actually said a couple of times that he does not want to disappoint me. In all my experience I believe no one has ever said that. So where is the danger with Josh? There must be a little bit there or else I wouldn't find him attractive.

I bet in the same way I have experienced a 180 in the past, so will I experience a 180 in this relationship. (I think stability will quickly give way to huge danger if/when I give my heart to him.) And that if/when this happens the fluttering stomach and pounding heart will show up. I just have a feeling. That's enough for now.

Because I Cannot Stop the Blogging Today

Friday night is Andrew's going-away party (in San Jose, blech!). I've blocked my calendar at work so that I can leave by noon and help him get his house ready, and last night I was talking to him about the plan when it occurred to me to ask: hey Andrew, is Harold going to be at your party? And the chilling response, "of course."

Harold is the unfortunate guy whose face Charlie chose to bite off, and Harold has a terribly unfortunate scar over his left eye as a result of that incident. Good thing it's Halloween, huh? I'm evil and I'm going to hell. I haven't seen Harold since this time last year (nearly to the day, I must add) when the incident happened. I do not want to see Harold, mostly because I have never enjoyed being around him and the fact that my dog bit his face only makes it worse.

Charlie bit Harold about ten minutes after I told Harold not to mess with Charlie and whatever you do don't put your face into his face because he will bite you. It's still not Harold's fault that Charlie bit the shit out of him, but it gives you an idea of why I really don't like hanging around with Harold. He's the definition of nebbish: a pitifully ineffectual, luckless, and timid person (dictionary.com).

There are only 8 people who have said they are planning to go to Andrew's party and Harold is one of them. I do not want to go to this party -- in San Jose an hour from home -- where Harold will be the first person there and the last to leave and it's not like I can escape hanging out with him by talking to other people at the party. But I don't want to hurt Andrew's feelings either. I am thinking about taking the whole day off to spend with Andrew and then leaving before the party starts. Or else faking a bad stomach flu. Oh yes I am evil.

More paintings for my paint-by-number collection: BEHOLD! DEER BESIDE A RIVER. I have a lot of empty wall space in Tahoe and believe it or not you can buy one of these beauties and have it delivered, framed for $20 or less. When will I stop? I do not know...but if you could see how poorly executed the deer in this picture is, you would laugh at its googly eyes.

Now the next one -- BEHOLD! DEER IN THE RIVER! (only $16 delivered). This guy is a vertical painting (somewhat rare) and the gold frame lends a richness to it, don't you think?

Now, imagine this collection of wildlife-themed PBNs hanging in the family room, a fish trophy, a few pine cones on the tables here and there, some Chinese checkers or dominos to play with, and lots and lots of pillows containing wildlife scenes like this:

And you take a look around at the fire burning in the fireplace and the 8 feet of snow outside and you are absolutely sure you're in Lake Tahoe.

I am posting a photo just because I know there is one person who happens to live across the country and happens to have known me these past twenty years who may appreciate seeing a picture of Josh. Besides I think I will enjoy seeing it myself. However I wonder whether that is unfair to him...putting his picture up on the internet somewhere. Ah, but you know what they say, in some cases it's better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.

I mentioned he reminds me of Kevin Marshall and he actually does in a lot of ways. I think they could be pegged as brothers in the way they look except Josh has blue eyes and Kevin's were a hazel brown. They are both only children of a single mother and a father who was never around. They also have a similar way of going on and on in a mini-tirade about something so minor, totally redressing the situation for being ridiculous and wrong, flabbergasted that their lives have been affected, until it becomes a joke that they are even bringing it up. Kevin used to do that a little and Josh does it a lot. It's one of the things that makes me go this is not going to work. It's negative and the amount of feeling behind it seems unnecessary. I want to say OK! I get it! Stop! Take a breath! But maybe it's Josh's way of letting go of negativity. Maybe it's not a big deal in the larger scheme of things (along the lines of fat fingers). Maybe I can understand it and see it differently. I am pretty sure Josh likes me a lot and I like him too, so why not spend time together?

My Tahoe time got cut short because ATT neglected to fix my DSL over there and it's not advisable to try to do your job managing web-based communications over a dial-up connection. So ATT, you suck. So I'm home in San Francisco and here's what's on my mind today:

1. I got my latest paint-by-numbers masterpiece in the mail today. I add this to my growing paint-by-numbers collection which currently includes a bear in the woods, a pheasant in the golden autumn sunlight, and a studly flyfisherman performing his feats of precision and strength mid-stream while two adoring females look on from the bank of the river. BEHOLD! THE STUDLY BUCK. Andrew's girlfriend was here last week and was admiring my growing collection and said, "these are great...are they all by the same artist?" C'mon that's funny. She may become my new room mate since Andrew moved his things out this weekend. His flight to New Zealand is November 13 and his going away party is this Friday. I do not know how I will survive without him.

2. I got a Free Flying Disk in my Laughing Cow bag of cheese minis. Strange that one of these mini cheeses is green, I thought. And it was then that I realized it is not a mini cheese at all. It is a Free Flying Disk, somehow folded and shrink-wrapped and reduced to the size and shape of a mini cheese. Baffled, I put it back in the refrigerator.

3. Josh. I am the definition of ambivalent when it comes to him. Almost from one minute to the next when I'm with him I'm thinking this is great this will never work. But he's sure on my mind. The first time I saw him I was in my car, turning the corner in front of the restaurant where we planned to meet and a taxi driver made a quick turn in front of me and then stopped to let people out, basically cutting me off behind. Josh was standing on the sidewalk and he smiled at me as I waited for the taxi to move and I thought 'what an attractive man' and I smiled back. I didn't know it was Josh who smiled at me because he was an Internet date and I had only seen a picture of him with longer hair but he had buzz-cut his hair earlier that week. I haven't forgotten that. I'm attracted to him sometimes but not all the time. But maybe it's enough. He makes me laugh and he's a good man. So...he's on my mind.

4. Zen Center night. I wish we could have snacks in there. I'm off to meditate on that thought.

I Love Sleeping In on Sunday Morning

Alas I woke up at 4:30 this morning and eventually gave up trying to fall asleep again so ok, I am awake and beginning my day at 5am. While I was in bed thinking I might get up, I thought about things I might do this morning (I am in Tahoe). Here is my list, truly in order of the way it occurred to me:
1) analyze the pull-out couch in the family room to see why it is so unbelievably uncomfortable
2) put the carpets back down and arrange the furniture now that everything is painted
3) get the fireplace going and drink coffee in front of it
4) clean the bathroom

What I have done in the last hour is this:
1) roll out the carpet runner for in front of the front door, vacuum both sides, pour coffee
2) put the fireplace back together, light the pilot, replace the glass, try to put the heavy copper cover back on, get frustrated and quit, sit down to drink coffee and think about how to wrestle the copper cover in place
3) check email, read old Mimi Smartypants entries from 2003

NO SEGUE REQUIRED
I am afraid of a bear at the house now and I have been thinking I should get a new dog to scare the bear away and to have a better first sense of any hauntings going on in the house.

The bear is a viable fear -- the neighbors next door (Amber and someone? Ben? they've lived there for a year and I just me them for some reason) told me that the bear broke into the neighbor's house across the street. And yes, I had seen the plywood covering their front door. Add to the fact that the bear tried to break into my house a week before we closed the deal two years ago. And that I replaced that bear wreck of a front door with a beautiful 2/3 beveled-glass, craftsman-style, mostly glass, mmmm-is-that-a-box-of-white-cheddar-cheez-its-I-can-see-on-the-kitchen-counter new less wood/more glass glass front door and I'm nervous about the bear. Perhaps I am being silly since I have never heard of a bear breaking into a house with people in it. But I am just one small person, and a very quiet sleeper!

Do you know I have seen that bear? Yes, with my very own eyes. He/she was probably 50 feet away, walking in front of Amber & Ben's house, and he/she casually turned back to look at my house since about twelve of us had rushed out the front door to see him/her. My friend Christian had gone outside to smoke a cigarette and in his casual and very quiet way, he had poked his head back inside and said "hey there's a bear out here." And there was. And let me tell you that bear is huge, bigger than a garden tractor, seemingly the size of a small shed. But cuddly somehow. Awfully cute.

The haunting is even sillier since it's very silly to believe in that sort of thing but I appreciated having a dog to keep me company last year when I was alone here. Now the house seems so big and empty and DID I JUST HEAR SOMETHING? occurs to me a lot. Also, IF I PUT MY HAND IN THE ROOM TO TURN ON THE LIGHT WILL SOMETHING GRAB MY HAND? The answer to these questions is, uh, no. And there is nothing under the bed. BUT A DOG WITH ITS HYPER-SENSITIVITY TO NETHER-WORLD PROCEEDINGS WOULD PROVIDE MORE ASSURANCE. Still, all that walking and feeding and being home to let him/her out and the chance that he/she would actually bite/hurt someone is outweighing the chance that a spirit or poltergeist inhabits my house.

I think I can put the copper cover back on if I get a very large pillow or two to raise it up to the right height. Maybe phone books would be better. I'm off to try!

Ah, but one last thought -- I finished recovering the couch and it's truly quite amazing. About 80 hours of work, I estimate. $300 for upholstery fabric. And poof, goodbye purple couch, hello tasteful carmel-beige. Am I living the dream of many future homemakers of america or what?

Message to Stacie:

Hey, I love hanging out with you. I wish you were somehow on my calendar every day, as if I had more than Wednesday and Thursday to spend with people. I'm just saying, I had fun. If Dane Cook ever comes to town, we're going to see him perform, and I'm sleeping with him. I call it.

Monday nights I go to the Zen Center. Tuesday is my group in Berkeley and on Friday, Saturday, Sunday I normally go to Lake Tahoe. That leaves Wednesday and Thursday to see friends. Sort of Elective nights. I want to integrate some one in my life so that I'm seeing at least one friend more than just Wednesday and Thursday. I want my routine to include more fringe benefits.

The thing you said about me hanging out with people who are somehow less than me, I don't 100% agree. Maybe money isn't the most important thing in the world. I value the ability to play four instruments and make music and act in front of people as much as I value my salary. So - ... I am liking Josh and I want my friends to like him too. Be prepared for the hip hop John Wayne, though, he's got that twang...

Zen and the 12 Steps

On Monday nights I often go to the SF Zen Center for the Discussion Group for People in Recovery. It's funny how I started going there --- about five years ago I lived by the Zen Center and I went to a beginners zazen session. It started at oh-god-thirty on a Saturday morning, and I felt I needed an evening alternative.

While at the Zen Center I picked up a flyer that said "Monday Night Discussion Group: 7:30pm," and I thought ah yes, that's for me. It wasn't until half way through the 1.5 hour session that the teacher said "now is the time we introduce ourselves and I'll go first...my name is ........ and I'm an alcoholic." All 30 or 40 people around the room introduced themselves with their affiliations and I realized I was in some kind of Buddhist 12 step meeting. But you know what? I love it.

We talk about spirituality, compassion, patience, atonement, and the four noble truths. Alcoholics and addicts talk about their alternating egomania and feelings of inferiority, the drama they seem to create or hold on to, their appreciation of the little things in life that give them joy, and their stories and mine have so many parallels. I attended for about six or eight months and stopped, but I started going again last March.

Tonight I talked. I shared a story about me. I tried talking two other times over the years but my stage fright is terribly debillitating and I couldn't get through my words. Tonight, however, I started out by saying that I was really afraid of talking in this big group, so I would just talk to my socks. I just kept looking at my socks using cupped-hands blinders and I got all the way through what I wanted to say without crying or stuttering, and that's a big deal. A huge deal!

I often keep things to myself when I have something I need to say to someone, but I am afraid their feelings will be hurt or they will get angry and tell me I'm wrong to feel the way I do -- or they will make fun of me. With friends I'm a lot more confident. With a lover, however, I have the stage fright and I cry and I stutter and I'm embarrassed by my immaturity, so I keep things to myself more often.

I will get better and healthier by going to groups like this and finding my voice, sharing parts of myself that aren't perfect. I will stop stuttering and crying and I will have more confidence when I need to talk to a lover.

I did a good thing tonight, talking. And I actually made people laugh with what I said, and they laughed with me not at me. So I'm feeling pretty zen right now. Deep breaths feel pretty good.

There is no question. The season has turned to fall.

I love all the seasons equally: winter for the excuse to stay indoors all day and read, or the 3 feet of fresh powder together with bright blue skies that makes an amazing ski day. Spring for the smell of the wet earth, tulips, and the promise of a new year. Summer for the first shorts day, lemonade, and sweaty bike trips over the Marin headlands. And then there's fall when you can be all alone on a walk by the river and the trees offer their best yellows, oranges, and reds.

Lake Tahoe was beautiful this weekend. My ski buddy Nicole came with me and helped me paint the living room, a priceless gift of friendship. She also took some camera-phone photos of the house.

Internet, BEHOLD!

Remember this:


Now it's this: